Being Pulled One Way and Then the Other

Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones Deck prompts - Make a list of the polarities you live with. What pulls you one way and then the other? Okay, now tell me: What is your strongest weakness? Go.

Living in two worlds - the world of my Anishinabe people, my family and then society as a whole. Two very different worlds.

Living in recovery - All the temptations around me. Most of the time it is not an issue but when I am sick or overstressed, those items are tempting. (i.e. Marijuana is legal now. Chocolate and sugar I gave up for my diabetes. Other drugs and alcohol. A temporary fix to a huge problem that will lead to trauma and even death for me.)

I think my strongest weakness is in writing fiction - These writing prompts out of Writing Down the Bones Deck - they may take me out of my comfort zone in writing about me specifically. It probably has helped me to stretch and to maybe someday write an autobiography.

I have no plans to write an autobiography at this time, as I think that I write about my day-to-day life and past happenings already. I want to write fiction but haven't really gotten there yet, other than a few things that didn't come easily to me.

Why don't I write more fiction? I think it is a weakness.

Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones Deck prompts - We are often unconsciously making comments in our minds: Good or bad, yes or no. We're anchored between extremes; quiet/loud, artist/businessperson, craving structure/hating structure, sexual explorer/shy longer, controlling/letting go, white/nonwhite. The list goes on. Peace lies in the middle, softening our edges, our opinions; bearing the opposites; getting our arms around both and not being yanked around.

Writing can help with this. Sometimes we need to fully write out our utmost fantasies to see them, to not be beleaguered by them. Then we can step through and write from a deeper place, write what we want from a position of more wholeness.

The way is not difficult. Just avoid picking and choosing. -SENG TS'AN, ZEN'S THIRD ANCESTOR

I can be loud, I don't really need a microphone when speaking to a smaller to medium sized group. Because of my culture people have often mistaken me for being shy/quiet, when it is the teaching to watch, listen before speaking. It is a safety thing but also growing up socialized to recognize that we have two eyes, two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Artist - my writing is an art at times. Poetry is pretty artsy. I practice different art all of the time. I am not good at most but I do my best. Art is healing and I choose healing.

Businessperson - I am probably a better businessperson. I have always had opportunities to learn to sell and not buy because of learning the tricks to selling.

Craving structure - I grew up without the same curfew others had and same boundaries as my friends. I craved that so much that I found friends that had that and partners that had that, to the point that I call my current husband anal retentive, while he calls himself organized.

Hating structure - I got stuck into only one way to do things thinking. I am so glad that I have become more open minded to knowing there are other ways and openminded enough to know that mine isn't always the best way.

Sexual explorer/shy loner - I had the opinion that you had to be engaged to participate in sex and that is what I did. I was sixteen when getting engaged and married at seventeen. No children until ages 21 and 24. Babies were supposed to be three years apart I was told.

As I said, I don't think I have ever been shy. I have had three husbands and had no reason to ever go outside of my marriages to explore. So I have only ever been with three men.

Controlling/Letting go - I learned about letting go when I got into recovery. It was so freeing for me. The slogans Live and Let Live and Let Go and Let God helped. Along with the Serenity prayer and living one day at a time and living in this day only, one minute at a time if need be.

White/nonwhite - not sure what this is referring to - is it having black or white thinking or is it about being white or not white? My black or white thinking is pretty much gone, although I would have to think about that for longer.

Even though I have non-Native American blood, in my heart I am Native American, I didn't know I was Scottish for example until I got my ancestry results. I didn't think I even knew anyone that is Scottish. There are a few other nationalities, but I am over 55 percent Native American from this country.

Enough said.

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Author's Note: This is Writing Down the Bones Deck prompts number 57 of 60 total prompts. Have these prompts helped me to be a better writer? I can't tell. It hasn't been anything I haven't talked about or written about before I don't think.