Affairs, And Envy

“The Book of Questions”, by Gregory Stock, Ph.D — These are questions of a different sort — questions about you. They are about your values, your beliefs, and your life; love, money, sex, integrity, generosity, pride, and death are all here.

Here is an enjoyable way to find out more about yourself and others, and to confront ethical dilemmas in a concrete rather than an abstract form.

To respond to these questions, you will need to examine and interpret your past, project yourself into hypothetical situations, face difficult dilemmas and make painful choices.

These questions can be an avenue for individual growth, a tool for deepening relationships, a quick way to get to know a stranger, or merely a pleasant amusement.

Affairs

use the back stairs

Envy

putting you in a frenzy

While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets or spends the night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done? Gregory Stock, Ph.D

If I knew, I wouldn't be sure that it wouldn't happen again. That would break my trust in him, and it did. How would I continue in our relationship knowing that happened? My recovery and understanding of addiction helped me to know and understand more about addiction and sex.

With my first husband, it happened. He drank without me after our children were born. And he drove a truck over the road and would drink on layovers. I was jealous and sarcastic in this relationship. After recovery that changed.

With husband two, again it happened in his relapse. Online sex. And his thinking that he was falling in love with a computer romance. No jealousy, that was just too weird for me at the time to stay in the relationship.

Number three husband is faithful and he attributes that to his recovery and what he has learned in recovery. He believes that for him to do certain old behaviors he would consider himself in relapse. He is almost 75 now and sex happens less, which is okay with me.

When I wrote a book on aging, a friend and I were talking about that and she said, I remember reading that book and thinking sex on Wednesday and Sunday. Wow, and that is less sex when aging.

In correcting her, I said, the Dr. gave me four pills for weekly intercourse to prevent Urinary tract infections (UTIs) and I laughed and told her that my husband is in his 70s, and we have set date nights of Wednesday and Sunday for possible sex nights. We probably don't need four pills a week.

How serious would an affair need to be before you would want and expect to be told about it? What makes hearing such a confession so threatening that most people would rather be deceived? Is this kind of honesty more likely be destructive, or to lead to greater intimacy and trust? How much do you trust your lover? How much can you be trusted? Gregory Stock, Ph.D

During my first marriage, a counselor asked my husband to tell me about his 4 different experiences during our marriage. Not in detail. Just that he had them. We were married for 13 years and they happened during his alcoholism. One-time acts for sex he said.

Because of my recovery program, I felt like I already knew and had forgiven him. It wasn't a big deal for me his confessing and I know it was difficult for him. It did make a difference in my trusting him when he would relapse because he told me. So it was important for both of us.

I had only one experience where I came close to having an affair. When married I didn't look at other men. I thought that was because I truly loved my husband. He was the father of my children. Even when using drugs and alcohol that was not on my mind or part of my actions.

Are there people you envy enough that you want to trade lives with them? Who are they? Gregory Stock, Ph.D

No. It wouldn't be about envy for me. I just wrote about injustice. There are some things that I would consider changing places for if I could truly make a difference in the injustice that happens in the world.

There are way too many injustices in our country and with our people. And what are we leaving to our future generations?