‏A Journey of Search

‏I know I am in the abyss. The feeling of drifting is very enjoyable, like a free-falling pilot. I sense these moments as I drift quickly. The wind teases my face as it brushes against it. I know I am falling, but I enjoy the fall so much. I am fully aware that the crash will be painful and deadly, but the desires of my soul have pulled me with all their strength. The scary part is that I know I am falling, yet I am deeply in love with all the feelings and sensations that come with falling and drifting.

‏I am also in a whirlpool of infatuation—a body without a soul. My soul is wandering in the depths of desire, lost in fantasy, and the joy of amusement. I know this, yet I act as if I don’t. I know, but I do nothing to save myself from me. I know with full certainty that I am harming myself. Even my prayers are focused on myself, and I have abandoned the efforts to fix the situation. What is happening? I see everything but remain still.

‏A deadly silence, a cold stillness—I can’t even find the words to weave together for this situation, nor can I find the right expression.

‏I seek mercy, I seek the truth, I seek righteousness, the purity of heart, a clear conscience, and to distance myself from indulgence.