200 Stories on Vocal.Media

Once again I struggle to find the words to describe what this accomplishment means to me. Even now I flounder in the deep end of my doubts, wondering if I can support myself in the future with my writing, and yet I still haven't given up on the dream.

The dream is too precious to walk away from.

Unlike the last time I looked back on 100 stories on Vocal.Media, I don't want to lay bare my past struggles. I'd rather focus on past successes, the present feelings on writing, and future goals.

So allow me to dive into my past, current, and future work!

To say I've gotten braver with my rhetoric within the last two years would be an understatement. Whether it be poetry, fiction, or think pieces I've given less thought to who I might put off. Honesty and authenticity is a commodity these days, and it felt like continuing to bury my head in the sand wasn't going to make the online environment any better.

I'm very proud of my work that has talked about the widening gap between the rich and poor, feminism, and the struggle for creatives to make a living in a capitalist society. ( USA, am I right? )

These are topics I generally shy away from as lately in my country, saying the wrong things online can get you fired or blacklisted! I actually have been fired this way ( 2021, former Librarian during the Book Ban Controversy ) and it instilled in me such a fear of speaking my mind that it's only been these last two years that I've begun to find my voice again and break away from that fear.

While these pieces don't get crazy reads, I am still going to try to write them every so often, as it keeps me engaged with my mind, my thoughts, and those around me who are fighting against oppression every day.

Speaking of writing from the mind, that is also something I've been trying to do more of. Writing from an emotionally vulnerable place is something I can more easily do, but writing from my brain - the place that constantly runs on rusty gears at speeds unhealthy to the whole structure - is another domain that is very nerve wracking to share.

In my brain lives the anxious, doubt-filled writer fueled by self-hatred, stubbornness, and copious amounts of coffee. She refuses to share that energy with the rest of my functions which leads to many days passed out in the chair, the couch, the bed, or god forbid - the floor.

These days swinging between super-productivity and flatlining in my pajamas has become something of a 'lifestyle' I am still learning to accept. My brain still protests that it can do what any other person can do all the while sabotaging my chances of doing anything but.

Just writing this out makes me feel a little lighter about the whole situation. It's also kind of funny imagining me snoring on the floor after finishing a writing session.

Despite this I have still made goals and plans that some healthy people would feel is impossible for them ( so I have been told xD ). Publishing novels and poetry books, submitting to online journals, writing lore for a video game sever and even daydreaming about script writing for a fantasy show...oh yeah, I've thought about it all.

Novel writing continues to be my main goal, but like with everything in my life, it is incredibly difficult to focus on a project consistently.

I actually went and got tested for ADHD for this reason, as I was getting so frustrated with how easily distracted and demotivated I was getting every time I sat down to write. And sometimes even the thought of picking up my draft again sent so much anxious energy into my brain that I would avoid it all together.

Of course, nothing came of the test other than, "No, it's just your anxiety." So, I went back to the old fashioned way: forcing my way through.

If you've been keeping up with me and my shenanigans, you might be aware that I went on a two month writing sprint where I doubled the word count of my current draft: CASTLING. It is something that I am still very proud of and it gives me so much hope about my abilities to 'get shit done' in the future when things aren't against me.

I hope to do it again before the year is out ( maybe a month instead of two ) to push my novel to its end point and FINALLY get this draft into the editing phase and out into the hands of eager readers.

As far as my usual content of poetry and short dark fantasy stories, I have continued with both traditions in...pretty brave fashion. :'D

From poetry that unflinchingly continues to explore the realities of mental health, to the dark and sometimes admittedly 'open for interpretation' shorts that combine fantasy elements with psychological or supernatural horror, I keep trying to expand beyond my comfort worlds I have made for myself.

One very rewarding project that I've enjoyed writing spins together epic fantasy, Greek mythology, and post apocalyptic fiction. You might know it as An End of Gods & Dust.

This is my first multi-chapter project on Vocal that's not poetry, and to say I was nervous even sharing it on this platform is probably selling my feelings short!

Despite the lower engagement, I think this will go on to be something I will be proud of for a long time after I finish it. From the few but very kind and supportive comments, to the TWO top story placements Vocal generously bestowed upon the series so far...yeah, it makes me happy to write and share this little series. <3

And one last thing before I let you go, cause I know how exhausting it is to read/listen to someone talk about themselves, haha! But, you might have noticed I've been entering in more Vocal contests, and that's for a reason beyond just wanting to participate!

I really, REALLY want to win ONE contest. Just ONE!!

At this rate I think it's more of a "I want to prove to MYSELF that I can write something that good." The closest I've gotten was second place in the Writers Challenge where I talked about my journey writing my first novel.

But that was me just...talking. I want a story or a poem to reach first place; something that better reflects my style of writing. So I'm going to keep trying, cause that's all we writers can do!

I got five badges to my name, can I add more in the next 100 stories on Vocal? Only time will tell. (:

Thank you for taking the time to hear me ramble. I can't wait to continue writing alongside all you creative powerhouses on this platform. It's truly been a privilege and a joy!

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