A Path of Roots, Grounding, Ancestors, Sensuality

I wake up some mornings and forget for a moment that we're in the middle of this pandemic. It would be easy, as someone "non-essential," with a roof over my head, to feel directionless in the middle of all of this - the chaotic soup of events in the world right now, caught by the latest turmoil and my powerlessness over each thing in another part of the world, and also in mine. I've grounded myself, instead, in remembering things I've felt passionate about, nourishing parts of myself that I haven't, and in excavating my childhood through an emotional sobriety 12-step process. Alternating things that delight me with those that challenge me to look at, back and forth, the terrible, and that which I love, taking a breath. And going back and back and back into my past brings up many things, and one of them is my ancestors. The dysfunction in my family, and the creativity and life in it, the dysfunction in the cultures I come from, western and eastern, and the beauty in them too. I'm starting to get unstuck from my trauma and be able to go back and forth with more flow between pleasure and challenge, rather than sticking with either until I go flat.

This is something I want for everyone in our greater pandemic isolation - starting with resources to relax somewhat in it, including housemates / a small pod of people, and plenty of supportive conversations from a distance - and then to look at the places in ourselves that we haven't fed, watered, and/or soaked in sunshine or a salt bath in a long time. To connect our senses, and available forms of nourishment with our memories, grief, anger, and hunger. To clear the skeletons out of our closets, and have a fresh start.

A place where I was stuck was, as most people I know often are, around my family, it's patterns and cultures. It's hard for me to relate to a lot of my ancestors, starting with my parents, and yet hard for me to feel as connected to others as I did to my family as a child. I've been applying a similar method - appreciating when I occasionally come across something beautiful that feels connected: an old friend, an unexpectedly connected call with a sibling, writing about a cultural game or a tea ceremony. I've been taking some space and deep breath when I feel most discouraged by my family and memories. My reluctance to let go and take space from my family comes from displacement, grief and loneliness I've inherited from them. And I've realized recently that my aversion to learning more, to new experiences around my family and culture comes from the misogyny from three different cultures mixed together, the straight up hatred of women that has caused so much suffering for so many of my ancestors, for my mom, and still for my sisters, and myself so recently. I'm remembering the strength that my women ancestors have had, in surviving worlds I have never experienced, as even the places I've lived have gone through so much change in recent years, and in contrast, I'm remembering that choosing suffering and excessive martyrdom is not strength, not sustainable, and not what's needed ...or what I want for women.

I am remembering that I can cultivate my strength without that kind of chronic self harm. I can eat the good part, and spit out the bones, as one of my teachers says. And so, bit by bit, I'm integrating things I learn about my ancestors, moving my grief about them, and that I've inherited from them. Developing a relationship I want with places and ancestors. Appreciating untangling the threads of my roots, and understanding how different some are from others even within the same person.

...What I want for you in this pandemic are these same things: to sift through all the layers blocking you from your deepest desires and dreams. To make peace with the stillness that requires, expand into the space that it requires, and get through all the layers of dust, to be messy in this pandemic distanced space, and keep going. To air yourself out in lots of fresh air around the greenest empty spaces you can find. To drench yourself in sunshine and water often, in your favorite ways. To watch people from a distance in various ways. And to navigate and negotiate better relationships with all the things closest at hand - with food, water, space, technology, and people near and far.

P.S. My family is Chinese and German, and other probably Celtic European that's been in Texas for a while.