A girl who Wanders

Some people are just not meant to have a home. Some people are their own home. I am one of those people.

I’ve always talked how tough it is for me to answer one simple question: where are you from? Yes, technically I’m from Poland but to say it’s my “home” or even “home country” just doesn’t feel right. I’m Polish, I was born and raised there, and since I can remember, I wanted to live somewhere else. I begged my parents to send me to boarding schools and looked for student exchange programs to leave the country since I was probably 10 years old. So no, Poland is not a home. It’s a place where I was born and forced to live while being constantly bullied and judged by its people.

I never felt at home in Poland because Polish people made me feel like an outsider. I was too loud, too liberal, my hair was too red, I wasn’t pretty enough, I was too chubby, then I was too skinny, then I was fat again, I spent too much time with my male classmates and not enough time with other girls who bullied me for as long as I could remember. My dreams were too big for the small town I grew up in. Every time I mentioned wanting to study abroad I had my family, teachers and peers telling me it was impossible and laughing at my high hopes. Once I started traveling a lot I was called rich, privileged and accused of buying my friends. Nothing I ever did was enough… or it was too much.

I was gone within a week of graduating from high school. I started as an Au Pair in America and while the first year was hard, and made me want to come back home, it took me only about three months of being back in Poland to run away as fast as I could. I went to Greece, London, traveled around the world while living in the UK, and then went back to the US. After another year as an Au Pair I got married and moved from Washington, DC to Virginia. And no matter how hard I tried, no matter how long I tried to convince myself being married in Virginia was what I wanted, it wasn’t. After three years of marriage we decided to move to Austin, TX but Andrew, my husband, died in a car accident basically the moment we made that decision. So I stayed there, had the worst year of my life, and then I went to Baja.

Exactly a year ago I went to Baja, Mexico for a whale watching conservation tour. I had mixed feelings about it (and I was utterly broke) but I went anyway. Little did I know my life was about to change.

Being in Baja made me feel again. After over a year of grieving my husband I started feeling real joy. Then we spent a day on a boat with dolphins swimming right underneath my feet. I was hanging my legs off the boat and I could almost touch those beautiful mammals swimming and playing around us. At the end of the day some of us jumped in the water and we were able to see them up close before they swam away. It was one of the best days of my life.

That day I posted a video of the dolphins on my Instagram feed saying:

I swam with dolphins 🐬 my life will never be the same. Of course I’m not going back to live in Virginia 😅

And just like that, two months later, I sold my condo in Virginia (after a year of owning which was a horrible financial move, I know), closed down the bookstore I just opened a few months earlier (another bad financial decision) and drove with my dogs across the country.

What I never expected during my 37 hour drive to Texas was finding a home… but I did. Austin has completely exceeded my expectations. I found a community I’ve never even dreamed of. I feel loved, cherished, and supported. Things I never felt in Poland. Don’t ask me how but out of all places this small town Polish girl feels most at home in Texas. After traveling the world, I found my place - I found my people.

But here I am, exactly a year after I made the decision to leave Virginia and I feel that itch again. I need more because while Austin is an amazing place… it’s just not enough. I need to feel that sense of adventure again. I need to see and experience life changing things. So I’m leaving again. I sold my business (again…) and committed to volunteering in Bolivia. I’ll be spending a month in Amazon jungle working with ONCA Wildlife Rescue. After that I’ll spend the month of June on traveling in the US before coming back to the “real life”.

Once again, I have no idea what I’m doing, I just know and finally accepted that I can’t live a normal life. I might never have a 9-5 job again, or live in one place for longer than a few years. Honestly, no matter how much I love Austin, I know at some point I’ll feel the need to leave again and find a new place to call home. This is who I am and most people won’t understand. Most people feel the need to have a place where they can grow old and have a family. But I was never that person. The only reason why I even have a home base are my animals I adopted with my husband. If not for them I’d be long way gone.

So here we go again, another year, another life changing adventure. And this one is unlike anything I’ve ever done before. I have a feeling though, this is exactly what I need to do. I’m meant to go to Bolivia and help rescuing monkeys - animals that I have been obsessed with since I was a child. I don’t know why, but no matter how crazy this decision feels, it feels right.

*Follow my adventures on YouTube and Instagram*