3 Secrets I’ve Learned About “La Dolce Vita” as an American in Italy

If money could buy happiness, Americans should be some of the happiest people on earth. We're not. In fact, in 2020, only 14% of Americans self-reported being "very happy." We can blame the C-word, but America knows we had problems before a global crisis brought them bubbling to the surface.

If you don't believe me, read this article by Jared A. Brock on the pandemic behind the pandemic - mental illness. There are numerous reasons life in America isn't conducive to well-being at the moment - unaffordable living costs, inescapable debt, expanding wealth inequality, and a culture built on a devastating winner takes all mentality.

My purpose here isn't to bash my home country but to encourage you to consider a legitimate question:

Would you prefer life to be "successful" or sweet?

Since moving to Italy, I've learned those two things aren't always equivalent. Let me explain.

When I lived in California, I thought I was happy. Sure, I was stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and never felt accomplished enough despite having a perfect GPA, but I was "doing well." What I mean is I was performing well.

That's what success in America often focuses on, making it look like you have your life together even if you're drinking yourself half to death come Friday. As long as you appear successful, it doesn't matter if you're suffering.

From what I've seen so far, most people define success a bit differently in Italy. Here's a perfect description of what I'm talking about:

"What is the fatal charm of Italy? What do we find there that can be found nowhere else? I believe it is a certain permission to be human, which other places, other countries, lost long ago." - Erica Jong

For reasons that have nothing to do with gelato, my life in Italy tastes sweeter. Not all the time, no, but enough to notice.

The glamorized version of la dolce vita may be as much a fantasy as the American dream. Still, there are elements of Italian culture that can make day-to-day life more pleasurable, or at the very least, more human.

You can't buy the sweet life, but you can embrace it. I may not be an expert yet, but here are three secrets I've learned about la dolce vita while living in Italy. Use them to make your life sweeter no matter where you are.

#1: Piano, piano.

"Piano, piano" is the Italian equivalent of "slow and steady wins the race."

The difference is people in Italy actually follow this wisdom. As a child, I remember learning the story of the tortoise and the hare. The moral made sense, but the same people who encouraged me to be a tortoise demonstrated how to be a hare.

Do more, run faster, and then you can rest at retirement if you make it. Good luck!

I've always been skeptical of the idea you can hustle your way to a happy life. That would mean the richer you are, the better your life automatically becomes. I'm not buying it. Literally.

In Italy, I've witnessed how a slower and simpler life can be just as satisfying as a productive one. It's not that hares don't exist here. It's that you aren't judged as harshly for being a tortoise. The Italian mentality goes something like this: do everything that needs to be done con calma, with patience.

I don't want to give the impression Italians don't work hard. They do. However, the Italians I know prioritize taking breaks when they need them. We all talk about work-life balance a lot these days, but I think most of us still struggle to find it.

If you're intrigued by the idea of slow living, here are some of the things Italians do that wind life down to an appropriate pace:

Home cook your meals. I know it can be a pain after a long day at work, but what you put into your body matters. Cooking is time well spent, as is enjoying meals with your family.

Take a lunch break. In some places in Italy, businesses close for a few hours after lunch. Doing so allows for some much-needed nap time, but it's not common even in big cities here. However, what is typical is taking a break to eat your lunch away from your computer. That's something everyone should allow themselves to do.

Walk everywhere you can. It's not always practical to do this, but it can be so much less stressful to go somewhere on foot. Walk instead of drive whenever you can.

Don't turn your hobbies into hustles. Many of us are obsessed with turning our hobbies into side-hustles. It's great if what you love to do makes you money, but money isn't the only way of measuring value.

It's not easy to move slowly through a hurried world, but the only way to avoid burnout is to be a tortoise. Piano, piano. One step at a time, and you can cross any finish line.

#2: If you only take care of yourself, no one will be there to take care of you.

"Pago io."

"No, no. Pago io!"

You hear this argument over who will pay a lot in Italy. Why? Because Italians tend to offer to pay for their friends, especially when it comes to small things like coffee. Italians live with a mentality of reciprocity: I help you, you help me.

In contrast, many Americans think more like this: I help me, you help you. It's not that Americans are selfish. It's that many of us have been taught to look out for ourselves with distrust, and often distaste, towards needing help.

Independence is great, but we can take it too far. I believe in prioritizing self-care as much as anyone else, but I now see taking care of the people in your life as another form of it.

I felt like my Italian family was over-intrusive until I realized that's how they show their love: by repeatedly calling until my boyfriend and I pick up, by asking what we eat daily, by telling us when they need help, and expecting us to be available.

Some people may see this behavior as controlling. I see it as caring.

I've learned in Italy that there's joy in helping other people and comfort in knowing they'll help you right back. I still find myself clutching to independence with a tight grip, but I know having a community is key to a sweet life.

"Community is a sign that love is possible in a materialistic world where people so often either ignore or fight each other. It is a sign that we don't need a lot of money to be happy - in fact, the opposite." - Jean Vanier

#3: Being polite is overrated.

It's true. Italian customer service sucks!

That may be the fussy American side of me coming out, but seriously, from an American perspective, Italian customer service doesn't live up to our ridiculously high standards.

You can blame it on the fact that tip culture doesn't exist in Italy, and thus workers aren't as inclined to wait on you hand and foot, but I think it's more than that.

Italians aren't always polite because their culture doesn't ask them to be. For example, you will never hear an Italian greet a complete stranger by asking how they are doing.

In my Italian boyfriend's words, "Why do you ask how random people are doing? What if they are having a bad day?"

Well, honestly, in that case, they'll probably still tell you they're doing just fine, so you can both go on your ways without an awkward exchange of sympathies. I've lied about how I'm doing plenty of times with a convincing smile on my face. It's just what you do in the U.S.

Not in Italy. Italians are kind, but they aren't necessarily polite. Fortunately, avoiding fake niceties lends itself to a particular strength: authenticity. Once I got past the initial sting of people's general bluntness, I came to understand how not sugar-coating everything can be positive.

If an Italian is happy, you'll know it. If they're angry, you'll hear it. If they have something to complain about, they'll talk your ear off about it. I'm not saying it's desirable to be a pessimist. I'm saying it's permissible to be human.

Sometimes you won't be "fine," and that's okay. Frowns don't always have to be turned upside down. At least not immediately.

Most Italians understand this, and overall, they're better off for it.

Conclusion

Every country, every culture, every person you'll ever meet has problems. Yet still, life can be sweet. La dolce vita exists, and it doesn't cost a premium.

It comes from valuing the right things - a balanced, moderately-paced life focused on family, friendship, and community - while devaluing what doesn't serve you - performing positivity even when you're in pain. More importantly, living a sweet life comes from allowing yourself to be an imperfect, ever-changing, multi-faceted human.

Life can be sweet even if you suffer. In fact, life becomes sweet when you allow yourself to suffer without judgment. Slow down. Take care of the people in your life, including you. And remember that being genuinely kind is better than simply playing nice.

You can have a sweet life, but you have to first decide how much you want it.