Why Do Other People Have Opinions On What I Want To Do With My Life And My Body?

I had a dream that I was pregnant! In my dream, I wasn’t phased, but my feelings, in reality, would be different.

You see, at the age of 36, I have decided I don’t want children.

I thought I did, up until I was around 30 I guess. When I was younger, I had a life plan. I would get married at 25, have four children and be a stay-at-home mum.

In reality, I got married at 27, to the wrong man. The marriage quickly deteriorated, as did my life plan, which was already 2 years behind schedule. I moved back in with my parents and started again.

Having never been single since I was 15, I partied hard for a few years, I discovered a side of myself I never knew existed, who I was as a person on my own.

I experienced things, I probably wouldn’t have in a relationship, I met lots of new, different people and I felt like for the first time in my life, I was living.

After a couple of years, I moved into a flat on my own. I had always feared living alone, worried I would be scared and lonely but as I sat there on my first night, with a glass of wine, in my own (rented) living room, I could not have been happier.

For the first time in my life, it was just me. Who decides what time I get up? Me, no one to share the bathroom with. Who decides if I can stay out for drinks after work? Me, nothing to rush home for. Who decides who comes over and when? Me, it’s my home.

It was wonderful.

I had always believed that being single and living on my own would be a lonely life, but it wasn’t! I had never really been in charge of my life as I was always revolving it around others, which led me to think, that maybe I don’t want children?

I had only just found my freedom, having children would take that away from me! I needn’t worry, I wasn’t in a relationship, if anything I was actively avoiding the male species.

When my friends started having children, I didn’t feel any sort of pang of broodiness or yearning. I spent many years thinking that something was wrong with me. As a woman, wasn’t I supposed to love and want babies? Maybe that would come later?

When I got serious with my boyfriend, we discussed having children. He already had children of his own but he said if I wanted children then he was open to the idea. I still wasn’t sure. I loved him, surely I was meant to want children with him?

Now I was in a relationship again, people would constantly ask me if I wanted children. I found it so annoying, it’s such a huge decision to make and a personal one. I was trying to make sense of what I wanted, yet all I was getting was other people’s opinions. It became almost everyone’s favourite topic.

When I would say “I’m not sure” or “I don’t think so” People then tried to tell me what I was going to do “Oh you’ll change your mind” Why did you even ask me then? If you knew I was going to eventually want kids? You have all the answers.

One particular friend, who spent most of her time complaining about how tired and stressed she was since having her daughter, would harp on at me.

“Of course, you’ll have kids, I can’t see you not. You’ll be a great mum”

Umm. Is it the binge drinking or the complete lack of ability to make my monthly income last longer than two days that make you think that?

I happened to like my life, I liked going on holidays, I liked my job, I liked drinking, I liked doing what I wanted when I wanted, oh and I like going to the bathroom undisturbed, you know all of those things you moan about not having in your life every time I speak to you?

Eventually, it became very clear to me that I didn’t want children of my own. I was just baffled that if I had made this decision and accepted it, why couldn’t other people? The only people whose opinions I truly cared about were my parents. We’d never really spoken about me having kids.

My parents are amazing. They have never had any outrageous expectations from me or my brother, they just want us to be happy & safe.

So why was I so worried? Why did I feel like I would be letting them down?

One night I was at my parent’s house when I felt like confessing my lack of maternal feelings. I steeled myself for the “reassuring” comments about changing my mind and feeling differently in a couple of years but to my surprise, they didn’t bat an eyelid, they said I had a great life, and why I would want to change that.

After having that conversation, I finally accepted that how I felt was ok. It’s my body and it’s my life, it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anyone else what I decide to do with those.

Those people who can’t understand why I don’t want children should realise that I am just as baffled at their decision to have them, the difference is, that I keep my opinions to myself.