We Need to Talk About Consent

Enthusiastic, ongoing consent. Not ‘Yeah okay’, not ‘I suppose so’, not ‘Alright, if you make it quick’. Enthusiastic, ongoing consent.

Yes, I want this.

Yes, I like what you’re doing.

Yes, that feels good.

Yes, my needs have been met.

Another vocal writer recently published a piece called ‘5 Things Your Lover Probably Wants in Bed’. While it was an interesting piece, and good to encourage sexual exploration and helping build sexual confidence in a relationship, it did not mention consent. More concerning, this article suggested waking your lover up with an act of oral sex. Where is the consent? If a person is asleep, they cannot consent. Unless you have explicitly discussed and agreed to performing oral sex on a partner while they’re sleeping, you absolutely are treading dangerous waters for the safety of that partner.

If a person has been consuming alcohol, drugs, or medications which affect cognition or consciousness, they cannot consent. If their capacity is altered, they cannot consent.

Consent is not just for casual sexual encounters. Consent within relationships is vital. Consent with a partner of ten years is just as important as consent with a lover the first time. In Australia, it wasn’t until the 1980s and 90s that rape within a marriage was even considered a criminal offence. A person is not entitled to their lovers body just because of their relationship. Previous consent to an act, does not mean ongoing consent. How many times have you had a lover say something like, ‘Please, I’ll be quick’ or ‘Come on, we haven’t had sex in so long’? Placing pressure or guilt on a lover which results in agreement to the sex act, is not consent. Begging, pleading and bullying which results in a ‘yes’ is not consent. Offering a lover money, domestic labour, or other incentives is not consent.

Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous concept of ‘blue balls’. Turning someone on, doesn’t mean you owe them sexual gratification. Masturbation exists.

There’s something to be said about BDSM relationships and power plays between dominant and submissive partners. The dominant partner can be in control and decide the sexual acts to be performed, but the important distinction is that both parties have consented to this power dynamic in the first place.

Flirting, dancing, kissing, groping, oral - none of these mean consent to penetrative sex. Open, honest communication is the most valuable tool in your sexual tool box.

People who experience neural diversity may need different explanations or opportunities to give their or enthusiastic, ongoing consent.

Silence is not consent.

A lack of the word ‘No’ is not consent.

We are growing, changing, emotional, beings and something we have consented to previously may not be something we always wish to consent to in the future. Consent to attempt something is not consent to complete the act if we become uncomfortable. Withdrawing consent after an act has begun is entirely reasonable and acceptable. People are not sex dolls who can line their body up for sex and always predict how they’ll feel for the duration.

The MeToo movement has brought to light the volume of people who have been sexually harassed and assaulted throughout their lives. How many of these are defended through claims of having received consent? Do you understand consent? Do you give enthusiastic consent?

I have had conversations with people who state they pictured sexual assault as something horrendous in a dark alley by a stranger, when in reality, sexual assaults more often occur where the abuser knows their victim. Sex between partners is often taken as an expectation of the relationship, rather than a shared event which requires consent.

Always be considering the emotional safety and pleasure of your lover. Listen, learn, and be patient with yourself and your lover as you share bodies.

Our sex lives have the possibility of being exciting, vibrant, full-filling, orgasm generating, safe spaces. The touch of a lover sending electricity through your body should be celebrated. We can’t have any of these things without consent. Our bodies can be enthusiastically shared with each other when all parties involved are feeling safe.

Enthusiastic, ongoing consent. Get it, give it, then get some.