The #notallmen men and why they're the problem

My heart is aching. For Sarah Everard and all the many other victims of femicide. She was walking home. Just walking home, and someone felt that they were entitled to take away her life.

This news hit hard for so many; all too familiar is the feeling of worrying for your safety when out alone. 'Text me when you're home' is a message that has become a habit, almost muscle-memory; a subconsious thing we do and send to our femme, non-binary & trans friends because the threat on our lives is always constant.

From a young age, we are taught to never go out at night alone, never leave your drink unattended, don't wear any clothing that's 'suggestive'.

Even at school, young girls would be sent home for wearing strappy tops or short skirts because the male teachers would complain of being 'distracted'. We weren't even safe in our own schools - an institution that was meant to protect us.

Never have I seen or heard men being told or taught around the subject of consent. The only conversations on this topic are from people who have been on the recieving end of men who don't understand the concept.

And when we feel comfortable enough to speak up, we are met with angered keyboard warriors, desperate to tell us that they're not like that.

Violence against women, femmes, gender non-conforming people and trans people is all to common. It's evident that there is a desperate need for systemic and structural change. These conversations aren't new or revolutionary by the way. People have been campaigning and advocating for change for hundreds of years.

But, it's falling on deaf ears. We're met by a brigade of ego-fuelled men who feel hurt at our discussions. Offended by us raising awareness of something so prevalent and ingrained into our society.

I've had men message me and say things like 'I hope you know there are good men out there. Don't paint us with the same brush!' or 'Yes, this news is very sad, but portraying all men as bad isn't helping the situation!'

If ever given a chance to mansplain, you know they'll find it. What I am curious to see is these men campaigning for change. They are quick to highlight that they are 'one of the good guys', but where are the receipts?

Why aren't these supposed good men showing their outrage, too? The lack of open-male-discussion speaks volumes on what most of these men think.

Just because you wouldn't assault a woman, doesn't mean your friend, brother, work colleague wouldn't. 

I read that it only takes 10% of men to change rape culture. Scientists have found that, when 10% of the population holds an unshakable belief, their belief will always be adopted by the majority of the society.

10 per cent! That's all it takes. So yes, you may not be one of these men we fear, but in no-way are you an ally either. Women are literally telling you they fear for their life everyday, and you're challenging that? 

Not challenging your weird mate who shares nudes that he was sent with the group chat (which is illegal by the way).

Not your friend on a night out who will happily grope someone for a laugh?

Not that guy you know who waited until that girl was drunk because he knew she couldn't say no? (otherwise known as rape - also illegal, just in case you weren't sure).

Until men speak up, nothing will change. When avoiding men's advances on nights out, we feel safer to make up fake boyfriends rather than simply saying we're not interested - because it's a tried-and-proven method for men to leave you alone.

Men respect other men, more than they respect a woman's right to have autonomy over her body.

How can you not comprehend how messed up that is?

Just because you don't r*pe, assault or harass women, doesn't mean you're exempt from the problem. When 97% of women have been sexually harrassed & every woman in your life has had the harrowing feeling that a situation they're in could end badly - and you stay silent - you're allowing this culture where violence against women, femmes, and trans people to contine.

Use this energy you have to interrupt conversations to remind us that it's #notallmen with your friends. Until you call out this behaviour, nothing will change.

Please note: I am referring to cis-gender men. The violence against men outside of being cis/straight/white is a different conversation and another huge issue that, together, we need to work on to resolve.