My Period Really Affects Me

My period really affects me.

Everything starts out fine, I am functioning. I am working, going to school and hanging out with friends. I am happy. Living each day like it's my last. I go to the gym, I make myself a smoothie. I journal and I read. I make a cup of tea.

Then I get sad. Really sad where I don't want to move. Even worse; I don't want to be in my body. I don't want to look at my skin. It's so spotty. Am I gaining weight? Why am I so hungry? I just want to eat the sadness away. Is it sadness or is it depression? Is there something wrong with me? I want french fries and a chocolate shake but I don't want to gain weight. I should go out and run but the energy is little to none. I can't stand feeling like this. Lethargic and sensitive. Am I going to feel this way forever? I am so sad but my life is just fine. But I can't seem to function at this time.

Cramp. Lower abdomen, 6 0'clock.

My period has started. Red, shedding away the dead useless lining. No wonder I was sad. No wonder my skin looked so grimy. This is beautiful, is it not? This process is unique. I am fertile and it's actually a healthy sign. Everything down there seems to be working just fine. I am able to produce life. I am able to a mother if I choose to be. Moms are great. At least my mom is.

However I don't feel productive. I want to waste my life away. Let the hours pass while I'm in bed. Let this body ache. This body can't pray. Let this body be still all day. This is so inconvenient. It's so messy. I have been menstruating for 8 years and it's not getting any easier. You think it would be. You think I would have it figured out by now. But I don't. There are still stains and I don't know how to schedule my day. Let me shower so I can at least feel clean. For 10 minutes I won't feel like it's there anymore. Maybe 20 minutes. Alright I'm done. Shoot there's red on the bathroom mat. Do I use a tampon or pad? Why are these products so expensive? This isn't my doing. I didn't choose this for me. She didn't choose this for her. We didn't choose this for each other. I don't want to work like this but you're profiting off of it. I have to be strong. I have to resilient. It's only seven days. God made all this in seven days. But then again God made us women go through this pain.

Am I allowed to rest? Am I allowed to rest when I'm in pain? I want to cry. I want to wither away and die. Right here on this bed in fetal position. Like the baby I was in my mother's womb. Like the baby I still am. No longer in the womb but out in the real world. Going through the same cycle that my mother once did. Going through the same cycle as the moon. She's beautiful at night. She's beautiful up until the sunrise. The moon is everyone's mother. Us menstruating women are all her daughters. Feminine and powerful. The moon controls the waves with her phenomenal gravity. Women; we create waves of our own. Pursue careers, build families, heal others, create movements, write books, carry each other home. Home. I like being at home. Being at home and not out and about isn't such a bad thing.

My period really affects me. It will always affect me. In more ways than one. First it teaches me forgiveness. Second it teaches me compassion. And third it teaches me how the the world, the earth, the moon, the women and I are one.