Men Understand Consent. They Just Pretend Not To When It Benefits Them

Recently, I came across yet another post that made my stomach twist. A woman wrote, “When you ask him to stop and tell him it hurts, but he says, ‘It’s okay, I’ll be done in a minute,’ and speeds up.”

The comments were full of women who understood immediately. Because we’ve all been there. We’ve all had the moment where our body shuts down, where someone we trusted ignores us. And we all recognise the ache that follows — the kind that sits somewhere between shame and disbelief.

Then came the men. “I’m not stopping before I finish.” “If you said yes at first, it’s not rape.” “You’ll get used to it.” “You won’t accuse me of rape if you agreed at the start.”

Every one of those men knows exactly what he’s doing.

They’ll tell you they’re confused. That they didn’t realise. That they thought you liked it.

But these are the same men who can remember every football statistic since childhood. The same ones who can explain cryptocurrency in ten steps and fix their cars blindfolded.

I once had a man comment on one of my own articles to “correct” me — he said, “The word for hating men is misandry.”

As if I hadn’t already used that exact word, correctly, multiple times in the first two paragraphs.

That’s the thing. They don’t read to understand. They read to respond. They skim until they find something they can argue with — then swoop in to explain feminism to women like we’ve never heard of it before.

They understand instructions when they want to. They just pretend not to when the rules benefit you instead of them.

A study published in Violence and Gender found that around one in three male university students said they would force sex on a woman if they knew they wouldn’t face any consequences.

But when the same question used the word rape, the number dropped to less than half. They understand what rape means. They just don’t like recognising it when they’re the ones doing it.

And this isn’t new information. Women have been trying to explain this for years.

There’s another study where men were asked if they’d ever raped a woman; most said no. But when the researchers described specific scenarios — ignoring a no, continuing despite pain, removing a condom without permission — many admitted they had done those things.

They knew the actions. They just didn’t want to use the word. Because calling it rape would mean accepting what they are.

When women talk about this, we get called hysterical, dramatic, man-hating. We’re told we’re exaggerating, that we’re trying to destroy men’s reputations.

But how many reputations have been protected at the expense of women’s safety? How many of us were told to “move on” because he’s “a good guy”?

He’s not.

He’s just someone who learned that he could ignore you and get away with it.

Every woman I know has a story like this. A boyfriend who didn’t stop. A man who pushed past her discomfort. A partner who acted like her pain was an inconvenience.

And every one of them heard her say stop. They all understood it. They just didn’t care.

We keep pretending this is a misunderstanding. It’s not. It’s entitlement. It’s rape culture.

It’s a system that teaches men that sex is something they’re owed, that a woman’s “no” is a challenge, that consent is flexible. That if she said yes once, it’s a permanent yes forever.

But it isn’t.

Consent is not complicated. It’s not hidden behind secret signals or confusing cues. It’s clear. It’s simple. It’s an ongoing conversation.

If she says stop, you stop.

If she says it hurts, you stop.

If she goes quiet, you stop.

The problem isn’t that men don’t know what consent means. The problem is that they know and they don’t care.

Because the consequences are so rare. Because pretending not to know is easier than facing what they’ve done.

And yes, I can already see the comments that will appear under this article. “Not all men.” “You’re making us sound like monsters.” “This is misandry.”

But if this doesn’t describe you, why are you so desperate to defend it? Why do you feel the need to rush in and protect the image of men rather than the safety of women?

If you recognise yourself in this conversation, maybe the question isn’t whether all men do it — but why so many women have stories that sound exactly the same.

We can’t keep letting “I didn’t realise” be an excuse. You did realise. You heard her. You just didn’t stop.

That’s the truth. And the longer we let men play dumb, the longer we let them hide behind ignorance, the more women are left to live with the aftermath.

Men understand consent. They understand stop. They understand pain. They just don’t care.

And pretending they don’t is exactly how they keep getting away with it.

It’s time we stop letting them.

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Author’s Note:

If you’ve got something thoughtful to add, I’d love to hear it — especially from women who’ve had to fight to be heard in conversations like this.

But if you’re a man here to say “not all men,” “that’s not what really happens,” or “it’s not that bad,” save your breath.

My comment section isn’t a safe space for fragile egos. It’s a space for truth, accountability, and the women who’ve been told to stay quiet for far too long.