Fuck Setting Boundaries: Try Collaboration Instead

Boundaries don’t work.

Boundaries are about how you will accept being treated. But what if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? How can you uphold them and still maintain a relationship?

Do you punish? Do you put your needs aside and surrender to their will? Maybe ask them again and they will put their needs aside for yours?

None of these works because boundaries put us in a win-lose scenario. If your boundaries are respected, they lose their needs. If you surrender, then you surrender your needs.

Fuck boundaries.

What do I believe works better than boundaries?

Collaboration.

First, I learned about this from Ross Greene, who developed the idea for rigid children. Those kids who we label stubborn, defiant, oppositional.

Many adults behave similarly.

Except the people pleasers who defer continually to avoid conflict.

The reason I started pondering collaboration and adults is because I read about the idea in a “Plan B” Facebook group for parents learning Ross Greene’s method. The post was aimed at individuals facing challenges in getting their partner to agree to collaborative and proactive solutions or Plan B. And the suggestions were to use the steps on your adult partners, parents, and even yourself.

Plan B is a method pioneered by Dr. Ross Greene. The idea is to collaborate with children who have rigid thinking and explosive behaviour. Not because they are bad childre, but because they lack skills for flexible thinking and compliance. No child wants to upset the adults around them.

We all do our best, and we all have lagging skills.

I frequently consider the skills needed for adulthood. Many people fear taking responsibility, because blame leads to punishment. What if, instead of blame, we worked together? What if collaboration replaced conflict?

Probably a fantasy if you consider your current boss or the perpetual conflict with your stubbrn, uncompromising spouse.

You could lead and change the dynamics in any interaction.

**Curiosity**

To work effectively with someone, understanding their current situation is key.

Their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, needs. Especially those feelings and needs. So be curious about your partner’s inner self and world. Try to climb inside their brains and see the world as they do.

How?

By asking questions for understanding. And listening. Deep, active listening. Open-ended up questions and consider what they are thinking.

**Validate**

Validation is showing you understand.

This means understanding their viewpoint, not necessarily agreeing with it. Reflect: Check for understanding.

“I see your feeling and I understand your reasons. Am I Right?"

Your conversation can be formal from “I see you are upset because you needed her to be clear.” To an informal, “Oh shit, that sounds so terrifying. I’d be pissed.”

**Your Needs**

It takes two to collaborate.

It’s not all about only their needs. This interaction can benefit you, too. And that’s totally okay to say “I feel X because I need Y.” In fact, it’s better than okay, it’s necessary.

You gotta speak up or your needs will be unmet.

If they aren’t willing to hear you, then you can’t collaborate.

But unless they are truly in a dark triad place, they will hear at last I feel without my need without feeling attacked or blamed. You don’t need to explain why. Just I need this. Without apology.

**Invitation to Collaboration**

If you aren’t used to collaborating, you will probably have to make a bid for working together.

How do we fix this problem? What do you need? Cool, I need this. How can we plan together?

Hope that works for you. I’m trying to live this way. It’s far easier to teach than to live. My emotions are constantly running high and I’m not collaborating but demanding and manipulating. But I’m trying. That’s why I write so I can remember to do.