Envy is a product of the unloved

I love the photograph above. Two women, plus sized, at the beach, smiling, embracing each other without fear, and modeling their bikinis like Vogue models. Yes, I absolutely adore this photo. The women in the photo don't care if you think size 20 is "obese" or if you think they are "too big" to rock a bikini. They are not jealous of the women who get to walk the big city runways or get paid to wear the newest fashion design. They're not mad that they had to spend $80 for the right bikini because no one bought them an outfit to show them off like a trophy or to pursuade them into some rendevous. This is not a photograph about "fat shaming" or envy. This a photograph about love, beauty, and power. Real power. The power to rise above "popular opinion" and the power to find and feel love regardless of how the world tries to deny you of it.

I have suffered the ugly, green-eyed monster so much more than I wanted to in this life I call mine. I've been envious at some point of just about every person I've met. As a kid, I envied the older people for their power to tell me what to do. As a teen, I envied the "popular" teens who got perfect report cards, always got chosen for the team, and always had a date to every important event. As a young adult, I envied the people who got to go to college on their parent's dime or a scholarship. As a middle-aged married woman, I envied the wife before me who had three children to bring up every time I tried to act like my marriage was important. As a single woman trying to love myself and my body, I've envied any woman who was considered beautiful or sexy and getting the love and attention that I wanted. Envy has robbed me of most of my life. Now in my 50's, it still comes to haunt me at times, but I've learned to shut it down quick with a cruel icy snap. Oh no, Envy. You're not going to belittle me anymore. I'm just as good, just as beautiful, and just as lovable as any person I see. You can take your lies and hate somewhere else.

It hurts though. I wouldn't wear anything exposing the birthmark on my chest for the first 20 years of my life. I finally got brave enough in my mid-20's to make cleavage exposure a norm of my wardrobe. Now, people think I'm trying to show off because I have large breasts. They don't realize the courage it takes to expose my birthmark. It does hurt, when a woman spends a day hashing out the demons in her soul, convinces herself she is worthy and lovable, then goes out into the world to be mocked, rejected, and "shamed" for wanting to be loved. But you know what? It's not a reflection of her or her worth. No. It's only a reflection of the hater's envy and insecurity.

They don't want the "fat chicks" around because that will threaten their power. They have the "perfect" bodies. They get everything they want because they are "fit" and look the way society tells us we should look. They didn't necessarily work for it. Some of them were just "blessed" that way. Now here is "fatty" coming to join the party. If she gets everything (the love, the respect, the acceptance) that we the "perfect" people get, then we won't be "special" anymore. We can't have that. Oh no. We'll have nothing then - no power, no charm, no charisma. Who will love us if "fatty" takes our love away? We will just laugh at her, scorn her, mock her, make her feel terrible. Scare her back into her dark hole and hopefully she will never come back. Phew, she left. Ok, back to "normal" society.

But "fatty" didn't give up. Nope. She called another "fatty" and they loved each other better than your ex-husband loved you. He didn't leave you any alimony did he? Why should he? "Fatty" and her wonderful lesbian lover "Fatty2" learned to love everything about themselves together. That's right, without your size 5 petite approval. And they look and feel great. They don't need your validation. They don't need your compliments. They don't need your "fake" love, they found the real thing --- within themselves.

So go ahead and find flaw. Go ahead and try to shame them. They will laugh at how SMALL you are.

While their enjoying their Pina Coladas together and not worrying about trying to make some ingrateful man happy, you'll be freaking out about how he didn't even notice your size 5 new dress. While they're munching out over the latest new donut not giving one damn about calories, you'll be spending three hours over the stove trying to create the perfect diabetic recipe that will make your man happy and healthy. While their playing games, laughing at jokes, and loving each other with pure hearts, you'll be wondering how much sex it's going to take to keep your man happy and not cheating on you with the woman who's sexier. Good luck with that.

I'm still envious. I'm envious of the two women in the photo. I want to be a fat happy lesbian.