Dream On

Sophie swore to herself that she'd never go back to online dating. She had amassed enough tragic stories of dates gone so badly that people raised an eyebrow of doubt anytime she recounted them. They were so horrific that she figured there couldn't possibly be many people who had suffered worse dating tragedies. Yet, here she was again putting on a pretty dress and perfecting her makeup in nervous anticipation. Her cab was outside, waiting to deliver her to yet another online dating adventure, or disaster. Whatever the case may be, it was too late to bail without ghosting the poor guy.

The man she was meeting had been on several of the dating sites she had tried before. They had chatted online in the past, several times, but their schedules never seemed to match up. Shane was the first guy who caught her eye when Sophie finished updating her profile with her most recent photos. She swore this would be her last attempt at using dating apps, no matter what. But it was worth one more try.

Shane was attractive enough with tussled brown hair, hazel eyes and a relatively active build. He seemed to have enough common interests to make decent conversation with. Sophie had been single a while now, and she wasn't having any luck meeting interesting men in a more traditional way. Whatever that was these days.

She missed the days of people watching in the cozy cafes nestled inside book shops. Crowded bars weren't really her element. Sophie missed book shops in general. They'd mostly gone by the wayside in the past decade. The sad thing was that they weren't replaced by anything. Most of the old buildings sat empty with "for lease" signs posted in the windows. She always met interesting people in those places of yesteryear. She let out a big sigh of nostalgic frustration. Online dating never felt natural to her.

Sophie was in her late thirties, living in an small, affluent, Southern California town. It was slim pickings when it came to the dating pool in her area. Single guys were either in college, creeps or old enough to be her dad. The good ones seemed to be spoken for or weren't geographically desirable. She had spent the last ten years getting her yoga studio off the ground. Her whole life was here, and she wasn't willing to leave it all behind for a guy. So she kept combing the remaining single douche-bags within a 50 mile radius in hopes of finding a decent person with not one acceptable prospect.

Sophie had recently been in an accident that left her right foot completely shattered. She had been in recovery for nearly six moths, and she could finally get out on her own without that stupid knee scooter. She was nervous about her date, but she was also happy to be out of the house on her own two feet. It had been a while, but she was sure this guy couldn't be as bad as some had been in the past. She remained optimistic, as she had been semi-interested in meeting this guy for a while.

They made a plan to meet at a new place that had opened in The Cardinal Hotel. The Finch and Fork had been getting rave reviews for their happy hour. They both agreed dinner was too much of a commitment for a first date. A drink to start off with seemed like the perfect activity. If they hit it off, they could always catch a bite to eat somewhere. She liked that. No pressure. It was a good sign.

Sophie was early as usual and took a seat at the bar. She wore a cream- colored, lace dress with leggings and tan leather boots. She felt pretty but not overly sexy. As soon as she got the bartender's attention, Sophie ordered a glass of the house Merlot. Nothing too expensive, but still classy, she thought. She didn't want to come across as stuck up or snobbish by ordering what she really wanted, which was an extravagantly priced chardonnay. Plus, it was on happy hour, which was why they chose The Finch and Fork to begin with.

Shane was ten minutes late but looked handsomely disheveled. Although, she thought, he could have made a better effort when it came to his outfit. It was definitely interesting, to put it nicely. Sophie wasn't digging his polyester, body-hugging, white tee shirt paired with a navy, Miami Vice blazer and Chinos. She took a swig of wine in hopes of gaining a little liquid courage to get acquainted.

"You must be Shane.", as she stood up and extended her hand, which he did not accept. Sophie sheepishly introduced herself as they both took their seats. She didn't particularly want to shake his hand anyway.

"You look cute." he said, "but not exactly like I was expecting. Aren't you a yoga instructor or something?" Shane asked. "Hey Buddy" He snapped his fingers not once but twice. "I'll take a double patron neat.", he barked at the bartender.

"I own a yoga studio downtown called Bliss. I had to take six months off teaching recently, after breaking my right foot. I couldn't really do much without a scooter or crutches until a few weeks ago. But ..."

Shane interrupted, "Ya, it shows. I'm sure the weight will come off after you get back to your normal workout routine. Don't freak out about it or anything. So what got you back to online dating? You are a little heavier than in your pictures, but you're still really pretty.

Sophie just stared at him, eyes not blinking once. What in the hell did he just say? What weight? She sat in silence. She didn't know how to respond to that. So she didn't. She waited to see what idiotic thing would spill out of his mouth next.

"Ya, I've been doing this new thing. No carbs. Almost like a paleo thing, but not totally. I got pretty serious about toning up recently. I've dropped like thirty pounds. I'm on 1800 calories a day. I designate 1000 of them to tequila. 800 for actual food. It's worked like a charm." Shane lifts his shirt to show off his hairy abs. "Check it out!"

"Oh WOW, ya...You have a lot less hair than in your photos, but balding guys are sexy in their own way. You drink 1000 calories a day in tequila and save 800 calories for food, huh? How are you liver enzymes doing? I'm not sure I'd recommend that ratio, but if it's working for..."

Interrupting yet again he blurts out, "Ya. It is. Tequila is a probiotic, you know? Healthy for the gut. You have any kids?" Shane gulped his double patron like he'd been lost in Death Valley for days in the heat of summer.

Sophie took another healthy swig of her less-than-stellar, house Merlot and nearly had to choke it down to avoid spitting it out in a fit of laughter. "Oh, is that so? I wasn't aware of the health benefits. No, I don't have kids, just pets for now."

'Do you have a dog?"

"Unfortunately not. Just cats for now. I'd love to have a dog if I could."

"Oh. Cat's are lame. They're assholes. I love dogs though. I have two kids. I live in the condos a few blocks up from here. It's so cool that I only have to share one wall with my neighbors. I just moved up to the top corner unit. Where do you live?"

Sophie shifts uncomfortably on her bar stool. She can't believe she's having this conversation."I live in a house a few miles South. I don't share any walls with my neighbors. It's a nice beach town. I've been there about 5 years or so. I...."

Shane cuts her off AGAIN. "I was really hoping you'd have kids. I was totally hoping to find some hot, blonde chick with two kids and rocking abs like mine."

Sophie twirls a lock of her natural, strawberry-blonde hair around her finger as she stares this jerk strait in the eye. "Oh, is that so?"

"Ya, Like, My dream date would be me playing in the sand at the beach with my two, adorable kids. Then she'd come walking by in a sexy bikini with her two cute kids. Then, like, we'd all start playing in the sand, making sand castles together. That would be so rad. Total fantasy, but I think it's gonna happen."

Sophie is honestly shocked at the words coming out of this dude's mouth. Is he fucking serious right now? He's describing HIS dream date while he's on a REAL date with me? How can this be happening? But she decides to keep talking to him., just for shits and giggles. The Merlot has her feeling a bit brave.

"Right...so, after moving back from Maui ten years ago, where the sand is constantly hitting you in the face from the never ending wind, I kinda started hating sand." Sophie shot back. The wine seemed to be working. She usually wasn't this rude on a first date, or ever.

You lived on Maui? That's cool. Why's you move there if you hate sand? Duh. Hey, do you want to come back to my place and check out my pad? It's just up the street. We could walk, get to know each other a little better? Maybe a little....ya know?" Shane tries to wink but fails as his entire face scrunches up into one, ugly, stupid, contorted mess.

Sophie slugs back the last of her crappy, house Merlot and retorts, "Thanks, but no. I think I'm just going to head back to my house, with no shared walls, and spend the rest of the evening with my two lame cats. But thanks for the tempting offer. I'll pass."

"Wow. You've got quite an attitude for a chunky girl who's just about to touch forty." Shane spits back.

"Well I'd rather be chunky, touching forty and alone than be in your crap condo touching any part of you." Sophie's mouth seemed to be taking control as her brain took a back seat in this conversation. Are there hidden TV cameras? Is this a prank? This can't be happening....can it?

Without knowing what to do next, Sophie grabs her handbag and sets off towards the restroom. What in the hell just happened? Was that even real? Who describes their fantasy date, with a woman who doesn't exist, while on an actual date, with a real woman? Jesus Christ, HOW is this happening to me again?

"I'm NEVER doing this again", Sophie angrily mutters to herself. "I will be single for the rest of my natural life before I go through that kind of bullshit again. Holy Hell! He can take his dream date and shove it into his nasty-ass belly button." People are staring at her for talking to herself, but she doesnt seem to notice or care. "Dream on buddy, and have another tequila while you're at it."

Sophie makes a u-turn on her way to the bathroom and holds her head up high as she walks towards the door she came in with her middle finger held high for all to see. On her way out she exclaims, "How's this for a dream date, lame-ass?"