Being plus size

I have hated my size since the time my last child was born. I never took into consideration that my size was because my last 2 babies were born 1 year and 8 days apart. I never lost the weight before I was pregnant again. Also I had gestational diabetes through the last pregnancy. Let me go back a little and tell you a few things about my size and struggles.

I was always kind of skinny and small, my first marriage produced 4 children, the first at 18 the last at 25. Still after all four I weighed around 120lbs. at 5'3". I was active and worked out some but really didn't need to. The kids kept me constantly moving. I came out still pretty fit and trim.

Then my second marriage, 14 years later, gave me a second chance at love. He had a few children from his first marriage and I had mine, we had none together. After 2 years we made the decision to have his 20 year vasectomy reversed so we could try to have a child. We were told we had a 5% chance of conception. We thought that was better than zero. It took us 9 months of trying before we finally conceived our first son. I started out weighing still 120 at the age of 37. At the 6 month mark I was diagnosed with the gestational diabetes. The weight began to pack on and I was getting heavier than normal. A strict dietary plan was put in play and it did make a difference.

At delivery I think I weighed around 163. More than I wanted to weigh but swore I would lose it. We were not expecting to have another baby because the first was too difficult to conceive. This body had now given birth 5 times. It was getting tired. 3 Months later....SURPRISE...pregnant again. We were overjoyed that the last baby would not have to grow up alone. The age difference between baby 4 and 5 was 14 years. But the diabetes didn't have time to go back to normal. This pregnancy was worse. My body didn't have enough time to get back to even close to 120.

I felt HUGE to say the least. I still look back at those pictures and cringe. The Dr. telling me how "overweight" I was didn't help. I would barely eat which I know was not good for the baby. My diet was so strict and I still gained too much. I kept telling myself it was "all baby". It was not. Delivery day came and i weighed in at 190 lbs. That's 70 lbs in 1 year and 8 days. No more babies for us after this.

Then the struggles came with trying to lose the excess weight. I was now 38 and told it would not be easy, as my belly would not shrink back because of the quick excessive weight gain. Told I may never get it to firm up. My heart sunk. My self esteem was gone and my solution was to eat away the pain. Time went on and I did try but nothing worked. My Dr. suggested cosmetic surgery, I said no.

I have been body shamed over and over. People can be so cruel. Always the skinny, tiny, fit ones making the snarky comments. The one I HATE the most..."That looks good on you for a big girl". FUCK YOU and your size zero, weighing 90 lbs soaking wet with rocks in your pockets. Looking down your nose at us who are trying and never seem to succeed. I stay away from mirrors and have not been weighed at my yearly physical for 20 years.

I use to box and train but got heavier because muscle is heavier than fat. I stopped doing that too. I wish I could love my scale, I wish I could look at this body and remind myself, that the reason for my belly is because I have known the joy of giving birth to 6 children but that doesn't work. People try to convince me that I shouldn't let it bother me, that i am beautiful just the way I am but they are not the ones that can't get jeans to fit right. The ones that have to buy baggy shirts to hide it. The ones that can't buy online because the sizing is so shitty for us "big girls".

I want to find that one plus size outfit that when I put it on, makes me look and feel WOW! I have not found that yet. I avoid going out to dress up events because nothing looks or fits right. I have become quite talented at hiding and disguising it, but once the clothes come off, there it is again. Age has not been kind, sagging neck, saggy boobs, and taxi arms. Hard to imagine my body being anything else other than what it has become.

At least once a month I try to convince myself to buy one of those all in one home gyms and just start working out and bulking up. So what if muscle is heavier than fat, maybe that's how to justify my weight. I have been saying that for years. What stops me? I am not really sure. Incentive? Will power? Determination? Oh, I don't know maybe a little of all 3 and the lack of a good support system. I really do want to see what others say they see. A beautiful woman, inside and out. I just haven't gotten to that point yet.

Sometimes I will look at my scale and say out loud "Come on, be nice for once!" and when I get on and it says I lost 3 lbs...then there is hope! THAT is a good day for me. THAT makes me smile and think maybe this is the start of a beautiful relationship between me and my scale. I refuse to visit that bathroom friend more than once a week. I don't want to get too friendly too soon. I don't want it to think there is a love connection. Clearly there has not been for many years. I will however try to be friendly and maybe a little kinder to myself. Maybe have one less snack and maybe buy myself that home gym. Maybe.

Much Love, G.