The 7 Most Bizarre Claims that Trump Made in the Georgia Phone Call

President Trump spoke 73% of the time during the January 2nd phone call with Brad Raffensperger, Georgia Secretary of State. Out of the roughly 9850 words spoken on the hour-long phone call, about 7200 were word salad extravaganza from the President himself. For the uninitiated, a recording of this phone call was leaked and first reported by The Washington Post, and the audio is available online in its entirety.

The conversation included the White House chief of staff, an assortment of Trump lawyers (one of which was Cleta Mitchell… enough said), as well as Ryan Germany, a lawyer representing the Gerogia Secretary of State’s office.

Here are seven of the most puzzling of Trump’s claims, rated.

1. "I saw you on television today"

TRUMP [addressing the Secretary of State]: I know you would like to get to the bottom of it, although I saw you on television today and you said that you found nothing wrong.

Trump opens up the call by going haphazardly through a list of voter fraud points he wants to discuss. He speaks as though it is irrefutable and widely accepted that he won the state of Georgia by “hundreds of thousands” of votes, while simultaneously acknowledging that publicly, it was stated that nothing is wrong.

Rating: 5/10. He said worse/funnier things in the past and he will say worse still in the next 60 minutes of this phone call.

2. Big Tech is on the wrong Republican's side

RAFFENSPERGER: Mr. President, the problem you have with social media, they — people can say anything.

TRUMP: Oh, this isn’t social media. This is Trump media. It’s not social media. It’s really not, it’s not social media. I don’t care about social media. I couldn’t care less. Social media is Big Tech. Big Tech is on your side, you know. I don’t even know why you have a side, because you should want to have an accurate election. And you’re a Republican.

Once more, Trump reiterates that every force known to man is conspiring against his win in Georgia, including Big Tech. He wastes no time in assigning Raffensperger to the side that opposes him, then declaring picking the other side is not very Republican of him.

You shouldn’t pick a side at all, unless you pick Mr Trump’s and swiftly produce the number of votes he needs. This logic checks out.

Rating: strong 9/10. Guest appearances from Big Tech and Trump media always guarantee you’re in for a good time.

3. No evidence of fraud in Fulton County, why was that not investigated?

TRUMP: So why did you do Cobb County? We didn’t even request — we requested Fulton County, not Cobb County. […]

GERMANY: We chose Cobb County because that was the only county where there’s been any evidence submitted that the signature verification was not properly done.

TRUMP: No, but I told you. We’re not, we’re not saying that.

MITCHELL: We did say that.

No respect for Ms Mitchell from yours truly, but also, in this particularly sitcom-y exchange, no disrespect either. In a pedantic, pathetic fight with the Secretary of State’s office over votes re-validated in Cobb County, Trump insists that ballots in counties where there was no evidence of fraud should have been axed down. Makes sense to everyone, right? Except to Ms Mitchell, a seasoned lawyer and fascist, who promptly puts the Trump train-wreck back on its tracks. She plays to win, this one. No amateurish mistakes on Mitchell’s anti-democarcy track record, thank you.

Rating: 6/10. We already knew nobody on that phone call was comfortable with Trump speaking, as all he was doing was dig himself in deeper by the minute. It’s almost like they knew that, a few days later, he would be making international headlines with this very same nonsense.

BONUS: Trump strikes back at Mitchell as she tries, yet again, to help him make any modicum of sense. Trump clearly doesn’t want her help as he continues arguing his point. He wants to be as embarrassing and useless and possible.

TRUMP: A very substantial number [of military ballots] came in, all for Biden. Does anybody know about it?

MITCHELL: I know about it, but —

TRUMP: OK, Cleta, I’m not asking you Cleta, honestly. I’m asking Brad [Georgia Secretary of State]. Do you know about the military ballots […]?

4. The official White House opinion

TRUMP: They are shredding ballots, in my opinion, based on what I’ve heard.

In my opinion, you shouldn’t accuse the establishment of shredding ballots when you are the establishment. That’s so lame. At this point Kanye West could accuse the establishment of shredding his ballots and he would be more believable.

Rating: 2/10. Trump’s opinions, based on fake news, hearsay, and fever dreams, are not even funny anymore.

5. Asking for votes part I

TRUMP: So what are we going to do here folks? I only need 11,000 votes. Fellas, I need 11,000 votes. Give me a break.

You could practically hear the raised eyebrows and the long-suffering exhales over the silent line. Trump attempts to negotiate a number, any number, of votes to come his way. He wants votes from military ballots, from Fulton County, from the Dominion ballot counting machines, from wherever. It doesn’t matter. He only needs eleven thousand, after all.

Too bad he snapped at Mitchell earlier, maybe her negotiation and critical thinking skills could have helped him negotiate these votes in a less brazenly fascist way.

Rating: 10/10. This Trump quote is the reason I listened to one full hour of unstructured babble. It’s almost too good to be true.

6. Asking for votes part II

TRUMP: Everyone’s going to look very good if the truth comes out. […] The real truth is I won by 400,000 votes. At least. That’s the real truth. But we don’t need 400,000. We need less than 2,000 votes.

Forget what he said before about eleven thousand. Even two thousand would be good. And of course, about half a million would do the job too. Up to you, Brad. Don’t forget you are a Republican this time!

Rating: 1/10. This is how he chose to end the phone call and by that time I was more exhausted than shocked. Every time he cited a new figure I felt my forehead wrinkles deepening.

7. Ryan Germany has a nice last name

TRUMP: Why don’t you want to find this, Ryan? What’s wrong with you? I heard your lawyer is very difficult, actually, but I’m sure you’re a good lawyer. You have a nice last name.

Food for thought. Ryan Germany does have a nice last name, though I am not sure if that is precisely what makes him a good lawyer. In Trump’s books, it also makes him a good target for bullying, intimidation and threats of criminal charges.

Rating: 10/10. This stuff is better than anything Charlie Brooker can ever write. Sorry Charlie. You’ve been bested by Trump.