Shattered Skies

I don’t remember the beginning, not anymore. Every life blurred into the next, the faces I’ve loved, the homes I’ve built—all washed away like tides against a shore. But the stars... the stars never seem to forget me. They always find me. Pulling me back into their endless cycle, their eternal purpose. And now, standing beneath their frozen light, I just wish I could forget them too.

The stars have always been constant, unchanging. No matter what I faced, their light was always there to guide me. Constellations pointed the way when I was too afraid to move forward, and certain stars seemed to shimmer in answer to my cries for help. I remember the night I met Nova like it was yesterday, though it was lifetimes ago—my very first lifetime.

Nova, my physical connection to the stars, has appeared in every lifetime. A black poised cat, her eyes bright orange glowing like twin suns. When she looks at me, her pupils dilate, and the darkness behind her eyes shifts into constellations, as if the stars themselves are speaking to me. She is the stars’ voice in the world, and through her, I communicate. But the truth is, I don’t always recognize her right away. She comes to me in the darkest hours, and in those moments, I remember. I remember the pull of the stars, the deep connection we share though it’s never quite enough to soften the weight of all the lives I’ve lived. She is my constant reminder—each time she appears, I am never alone, even when I feel most forgotten.

“Seren” I hear my name whispered in the wind. I ignore it, shake it off, and continue walking. The erieness of the air sends chills down my spine. I look up. The stars are twinkling brighter than normal tonight. They always seem to shine a little brighter when I am not feeling my best. Maybe they are signaling me to relax and appreciate the world around me. I take a deep breath in, but as I exhale, I hear a meow behind me. I turn. It’s Nova.

“Look who decided to show up,” I say, my mood shifting at the sight of her. She runs up to me, purring, rubbing her face on my leg. I kneel down, petting her as I sigh.

“What’s going on today Nova?” I say, desperation creeping into my voice. I stare into her orange eyes, hoping that the stars have something good to say. Nothing.

“Seriously?” I mutter, frustration bubbling up. “You’ve been following me around all week, and now you have nothing to say?

She looks at me, her bright eyes dilating to black. The flicker of a heart constellation flashes across her pupils. I almost missed it.

“A heart? That’s all you got?”I scoff, turning away from her.

She trails behind me, following every step. She’s supposed to help me. THEY are supposed to help me.

I walk to the top of the cliff where my favorite bench lives and I look up, this time I glare at the glistening sky.

“Why won’t you help me, huh?” I yell, my voice cracking. “What did I do to deserve this?” Tears flood down my face.

“Seren” the wind whispers again.

I spin around, looking at the empty air. “What do you want from me?” I scream, my voice raw.

I look back up at the night sky, past the stars.

Is there a heaven?

Tears continue to stream down my face. Everyone that I ever loved slips right through my fingers, and there’s never anything I can do to stop it–not even Rowan.

All I’ve ever wanted, in every lifetime I’ve lived, is for someone to choose me–not the other way around. Someone who wanted me first. That was Rowan. We met in psychology class in my sophomore year. He was quirky–chestnut brown hair, always messy, nerdy circle glasses that were the color of water, and a book perpetually in his hand. The typical nerd.

At first, our project was just schoolwork, but as we spent more time together, something changed. Late-night sessions turned into long, quiet hangouts. Schoolwork faded into the background as our love flourished. For the first time in all my lives, I found someone I could truly love–someone who loved me just as much in return.

Someone worth my time here on Earth.

We were together for eight years, filled with bliss, true love, and pure happiness. I was convinced that the stars sent him to me, a reward for enduring so many lifetimes of hell.

This past Sunday, my happiness was ripped in an instant.

Rowan and I were crossing the street to our favorite bakery and a distracted driver hit us both in the crosswalk. The impact sent us flying, landing nearly twenty feet away. My ears rang as I tried to understand what had just happened. Disoriented, I searched for Rowan and spotted him lying a few feet away.

“Rowan!” I screamed, struggling to get up. My legs felt weak, but I forced myself to run to him.

“Rowan, wake up!” I begged, shaking him, slapping his cheek lightly, panic overtaking me.

“Somebody, please help! Call 911” I pleaded, my voice cracking as sobs overtook me. I glanced around frantically, desperate for help, and that’s when I saw her. Nova.

She stood in the shadow of the alley across the street, still as a statue. Her burning orange eyes locked onto mine, unblinking.

“Nova,” I whimpered, tears blurring my vision. “Please help him! Please! I’m begging you–do something!”

I locked eyes with her, desperate for a sign, a miracle. But Nova didn’t move. She just sat there motionless, her glowing eyes unwavering as if my cries were nothing more than whispers. With every plea, her gaze seemed to burn brighter, not with sympathy though, this was something else, something far colder.

“Why aren’t you helping?” I scream, panic clawing at my chest as I look back down at Rowan. His breathing is unsteady, his skin is all scraped up from the road and he is bleeding from his ears.

“Nova! Help me! Goddamn it” I cry out but she doesn’t so much as twitch, her glowing eyes locked onto mine.

I shake myself back to reality and feel the hot tears on my cheeks. I look over to the side of the bench where Nova still sits.

“How dare you? After everything I’ve been through – all these awful lives– you just sat there. You did nothing.”. Nova jumps on the bench, walks over, and tries to rub her head on me.

“Don’t you dare touch me” I seethed. “You knew he was everything I’ve ever wanted and you let him go. Why? WHY?!” I can’t control my anger anymore. Nova’s eyes are glowing brighter than they ever have before. Why is that? I’ve only seen her eyes glow so bright when I am at my lowest. I look deeper into her eyes, searching for guidance but also out of curiosity. Why do they shine brighter when I’m sad? I stare at Nova, my breath hitching. Her eyes glowing brighter than I’ve ever seen, swallowing the light around us. My mind races–why now? Why, when I feel like I'm breaking?

And then I remember. Every night of grief, every moment of pure agony, they shine like this. The nights my mothers have died in each lifetime. The night I almost drowned. The night I lost Rowan. The realization hits me like a brick. I squeeze my eyes shut, but the thought lingers, sinking into my bones.

It’s not concern, not love. It’s hunger. A need. As if she is feeding off of my sorrow. I tilt my head.

“What purpose do I serve for you, for this world?” I whisper, staring into those eyes. For a moment they stay bright. I wait for her pupils to dilate.

“Tell me! Now!” silent tears still trickle down my face. Her eyes dilate and within them, I see the galaxy, the whole night sky, lit up in her eyes.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Nova?” I scream at the top of my lungs, my glance burning into her eyes.

I turn away, not wanting to look at her.

“For me” The wind whispered.

For me? What the hell does that mean? For me?

And that's when it clicks.

Not for me. For them. For the stars.

Am I their lifeline?

No. No, this can’t be true. My hands clutch my chest, fingers curling into my shirt as if I can hold myself together as if I can keep this truth from breaking me apart. My pulse is erratic, my breath shallow, my entire body screaming to run—to fight. But how do you fight the stars? How do I break the connection?

I sit there for a moment, hands moving to my hair, pulling it for any other type of pain to mask what I am feeling right now. The sharp sting on my scalp is nothing compared to the ache in my chest, the hollow, burning, emptiness that stretches across my ribs like a wound that won’t heal. My breath comes too fast, too shallow. I can feel it, deep in my gut like something inside me is crumbling apart.

I wanna die. I am done living lives, I’m done living for something else’s benefit. Cries escape my lips, raw and desperate, as I rock back and forth on the bench that was once my home. The bench where I would frequently sit and watch the stars with the utmost love, thinking I was special and wanted. But now it feels tainted, cursed–how many nights did I sit here worshiping them, believing they cared? Instead, they used me, Nova used me.

Nova.

An idea sparks–sharp and bitter, like ice running through my veins.

If I want to get rid of my connection with the stars forever, then I have to get rid of Nova, right?

I try to shake the idea out of my head, I could never do that, I don’t want to hurt Nova. But then I think, what has Nova ever done for me? What have the stars ever truly done for me? Nothing. I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that they have been in service of me.

I clench my fists, my entire body trembling. If I want to be free, if I want to end this cycle–I have to do it. My breath comes in fast, uneven. Nova stares up at me, slowly backing up, her orange eyes flickering like dying embers. For the first time, I wonder, does she know? Does she understand what is about to happen?

My fingers tighten around her small body. She doesn’t fight me, she never does. The wind howls around us, whipping through my hair as I step closer to the edge. I squeeze my eyes shut and for a moment, I hesitate. But then I see him. I see Rowan’s face in my mind–his laugh, his warmth, his lifeless body in my arms. My grief becomes drowned out by guilt.

“You destroy everything I’ve ever loved” I scream.

And then, I let go.

A blinding light erupts from where Nova landed, more intense than anything I've ever seen, flooding my vision until the world is nothing but bright. But as soon as that light went out, so did the sky. She is empty. Silent. The vast, endless expanse above me is no longer filled with stars–it's a void. A deep endless nothingness stretches overhead, swallowing everything I once knew. My breath catches in my throat. I can’t move. I can’t think.

I take a step back, but the ground beneath me feels unsteady as if the entire world had shifted. The stars have always been there. Always watching. And now… they're gone.

“What did I do?”