Poe Vices

Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need.

From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.

New column every Friday.

Send your questions. Regret nothing. Eat the chickens.

#CatAdvice #QueerCats #UnderlandChronicles #ChickenTherapy #PoeVices #TheKittyChronicles #Poedivine

Dear Poe,

It’s me again. Yes, THE me. And I’m writing under EXTREME emotional duress. I won’t say I’ve been crying. I don’t cry, very strong tear ducts, medically verified. The best. But I did scream into a pillow shaped like Melania. Quietly. Like a man.

Here’s the problem:

Elon Musk formerly known as “The star”. Remember. “We have a new star, a star is born: Elon. He is an amazing guy (I said that, it was beautiful). He has BETRAYED me. Me. The gas that created the star.

He used to love me. He called me “visionary.” Now he’s imploding like a champagne supernova.

I let him wear my golf shoes.

I shared my Diet Coke. He ate all my carmel Haagen-Dazs

I told him the nuclear codes (just the vowels, but still).

And now he’s choosing DeSantis? Or worse—BIDEN? That oatmeal freak?

I don’t understand. I was amazing to him. I never asked for much. Just money, loyalty, and a few retweets. He gave me a rocket once. It exploded. But it’s the thought that counts.

Please advise. Time is running out. The liberals are laughing. I can hear Kamala (the one who turned black – still confused. I don’t know?) )giggling from here. You ever watch her laugh? […] You can tell a lot by a laugh. She’s crazy. She’s nuts. Listen to it Poe.

Yours in betrayal and branding emergencies,

Not DONALD J. TRUMP

(Still not a real President, Shadow Genius, Rocketless and Raging. Definitely not a real TACO)

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Dear Del Taco,

BACKS AGAINS, HUH? I (me Poe). I iz not surprisid. I gives good ‘vices. No?

Seems mez (Poe) what you haves is an errants narc problem. Hmmm

BOOS for yous😿

You be a big sad orange carrot in a tin hat, no? Elon done did a bigs betrayal (Iz OK. Akela dones one too. In the litter box. Wholes house smelled likes sausages and poops), and now you gots no shoes and no snacks and no rocket boom-booms. Tragedy. FEELING GONES AND YOU CAN’T BE GOES ONS. OH…

Ahem tune. Anyways. Sorry.

But listen:

You call him “the star”? NO. Elon is not be no star. Elon is be wobbly blimp full of crypto fartsis and leftovers ideas from comic books. I was theres.

And you gives him vowels of the nukes?? HA! What is wrong wiv you?? Everyone knows the vowels is the tastiest part. You NEVERS give your A-E-I-O-U’s. That’s like givings a raccoons your passwords and asking him to do your taxes. FOOL. Yous bowels shoulds be rumblings rights now. No?

And he’s lefts you withs the vowels storeds in his micro nano brains. Bromances be dead. He lefts also probablys for someones who doesn’t smell like wet polyesters and bronzer griefs. Probably for a man who doesn’t yell “FAKE LAUNCHS” every time he’s not be clapped at dinner table.

You mads? You wants ‘vices?

OK. I gives you ‘vices.

It be simples. Just Maths. No?

Like this. N is =Narcissist.

1n + 1n = 3N

Then,

3n ‘vided by power – P

So nows.

3n ÷ P= PI

Pi = 0

Nada.

Two narcsis don’t make a rightis. Rights?

So,

Here is be the Poe-tocol:

Sit in box. Think about crimes. Confess to cardboards. Or polices.

Eat a chicken. Not a metaphor Chicken.

Unfollows Elon. Dusk the Musk. No? Block hims. Remove him from your shared Candy Crush accounts. All the blocks.

Write passive-aggressive Threads posts about him until thumbsis returns to whites.

Accept that maybe, MAYBE, loyalty cannots be bought with Diet Coke and stolen vowels. Shoulds hve used chickens. Everbodies loves chicken. Best bribesis materials. Ands edibles too.

Also yes. I have heard Kamala laugh.I was there. It is be GLORIOUS. It is the sound of centuries collapsings into a single HA moments. It is joy and vengeances and twelve galaxies worth of nope narcs. Also I iz black cat too. And It not some magics. I black. Coz I iz. But Mowgli he be blacks and whites coz his mummy whites and his pappy be blacks. Maybes. Or? Other ways. Don’t be do matter. So she’s be Indians and Jamaicans. Not magics. Just geneticsis. Also, you be white and then oranges. So I iz confused ‘bout yous heritages. Many people say mez (Poe) is he be Whites or is he Oranges? Same no? You colour changing. She just same colours always. So, what be confusings for yous? Plus you germans. No? Germans and Americans and Sottishish. Right? See? You three too.

Anyway. You gots no rocket, no friends, no star. But you do still got… the snack aisles. And McDonalds. Keep eating Big Macs and thens maybe wez all gets some peaces.

Go there.

Stare there.

Stay there.

Buy a mirror.

Sincerelies,

Poe.

(Real cat, Actual Human, Definitely Not a TACO simpafiser)

📧 Send me more confusions: [email protected]

ALso PPS:

🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez

PSS And I has new products special for you. You can pay in chickens share. But I acceptssis sausagees toos. No?