Isn't That Your Job?

While I sit at home and contemplate my life, as I’ve had ample time to do this past year, I’m reminded of my first semester at Simon Fraser University. Back then I was 19, bright-eyed and blissfully unaware that I would be completing my university studies from the comfort of my living room. My first class at Simon Fraser was Criminology 135: Introduction to Canadian Law and Legal Institutions and my professor was a stern man who had once been the Attorney General. I loved it. So much so that I began doing things like drinking coffee and pulling all-nighters to ensure that I performed well because, like everyone says, “college is where it really counts”.

The first university exam I ever took was for this Criminology course. I remember this because it was the spring semester and the exam took place on the afternoon of 4/20, forcing me to miss the Cannabis festival downtown to write it. I also remember it because it was the first time that my all-nighters, newly minted caffeine addiction and stern professor caught up with me. “No bathroom breaks!” he bellowed from the front of the class as his TAs handed out exams. This announcement was an unfortunate one for me, as I had just finished chugging the coffee I’d bought from Blenz before the exam (to stave off the all-nighter I’d pulled the previous evening). I was fine at first, focused and alert. But once the caffeine finished making its way through my system and I had to urinate in the worst way. My bladder was overflowing by the time I reached the final question on the exam. It read: “what section of the Charter allows legislatures to temporarily override certain portions of the Charter?”

“I know this” I said to myself. I’d studied hard and left nothing to chance. I was sure I knew the answer, but for some reason my bladder was preventing it from reaching my brain. I said screw it and scribbled down a rubbish answer I knew to be incorrect before racing to hand in my exam and hightail it to the washroom. I pushed through the door and found salvation at the urinals. As I washed my hands afterwards, my mind relaxed, and as I pushed through the bathroom exit my palms flew up to my face. Section 33, I’d known the answer all along.

That was the story of my first university exam. A stream of urine prevented me from recalling the tools that our government has at its disposal to impose its will during an emergency. And lately I can’t help but wonder if I’m not the only one who has experienced this. Because it seems as if many of our politicians, both Federal and Provincial, have forgotten what an emergency is, why we have legislative provisions for them and what those provisions are. While it may be hard to believe that the entire governments of both Canada and B.C. have been holding their collective pee for over a year, it is also the only hypothesis I currently have. It’s the only thing that could explain the indecisive press conferences and ineffective counter measures that us proletariat have had to deal with all pandemic long. What makes it even more frustrating is that Trudeau is still working from home—he’s the only G7 leader who insists on governing from out of office—surely he’s not so busy that he can’t hobble into his own bathroom for a quick break. Certainly, there’s no professor standing over his shoulder whispering “no bathroom breaks until the test is over”.

The Emergencies Act would provide a quick solution to all this, and probably infringe upon fewer of our rights than the current, decentralized approach has. Surely a phenomenon which leaves 20,000 dead Canadians and a shattered economy in its wake is an emergency, no? Surely a unified hydra is better suited to combat an enemy intruder than a mere eight individual snakes. Surely our Prime Minister would be delighted to follow in his father’s footsteps and tell his critics to “just watch me” after declaring a national emergency in the interest of safety? But Alas, he’s more timid than his father was. Perhaps we razzed him too hard for wearing blackface and he’s still reeling from the emotional blow of being accused of having imperfections. In any event, leadership starts at the top and the provinces have quickly picked up on Trudeau’s message of disunity and poor communication. After all, his working from home was intended to “set an example” and based on my less than stellar experiences with communicating via Zoom, his decision is doing just that.

While this “who’s on first?” of COVID protocol enforcement has been amusing to watch, it is also incredibly distressing. Don’t get me wrong, watching Adrian Dix botch the vaccination announcement and send droves of worried citizens to pharmacies and vaccination centers days ahead of schedule was hilarious, but it was also symptomatic of the larger discordance within the Canadian government and its response to COVID-19. I am currently forbidden by Dr. Bonnie Henry from playing hockey because, when a single team travelled from B.C. to Alberta for a tournament, she suspended all indoor sports. And yet variants of COVID-19 from both South Africa and the U.K. have managed to make their way here, across our international borders. Why should we even bother with provincial mandates if the virus can still trickle in from abroad? How can the government look us in they eye and announce a ban on interprovincial travel when they’re still allowing international travelers to enter our country and bring the virus with them?

There is so much about this pandemic that is clouded or doesn’t make sense. I suppose our respective Federal and Provincial governments just decided to add their political strategies into the mix. Did this virus come from a bat or a lab? Who knows? Does wearing a mask help prevent the spread? Shoulder shrug. Why can’t I sit in a movie theatre that only has five other people in it and is disinfected after every screening, but children can go to school and sit in a classroom for four hours without masks or social distancing and not even receive so much as a COVID test before they return home to their parents and grandparents? That’s a great question. Unfortunately, we’ve run out of time for today. It seems to me the whole plan of action has been “listen to me but don’t look at what I’m doing”.

And then came the kicker. The Mother Of All whose-job-is-this-anyways? John Horgan, British Columbia’s premier, standing up at a press conference to say “hey all you 20-39 year old’s, you’re putting us in a real tough position”. Tough position? I haven’t seen my friends in over a year, let alone the inside of a classroom or a steady job. It hit all the wondrous notes of a political gaffe. Not only did Horgan forget that this demographic of rogues is the one bagging his groceries, nursing the elderly people who contract COVID-19 back to health and teaching in the schools he has allowed to remain open, but also that his compatriot Bonnie Henry made a similar mistake not too long ago. Dr. Henry, B.C.s Provincial Health Officer, has made some questionable decisions along this bumpy road of a year. Not least of which was the decision to publish and distribute a book she must have written while she was supposed to be hard at work, defending us from this deadly virus. Perhaps one of the MOST embarrassing missteps of her career came about a month ago when, after a year of wishy-washy regulations and fear-inducing rhetoric, she implored the people of British Columbia to “do more”, to which they unanimously responded, “you first!”

Horgan’s thought process after Dr. Henry’s gaffe would have been quite humorous to observe, I’m sure. “Hmmmmm” he must have thought. “Bonnie told them to do more and they spat in her face. Why?” He would’ve stroked his chin at this point. “Is it because, like that meme said, we’ve made a conscious choice to half-ass our pandemic response in order to balance an open-for-business society with a background hum of death? No, that can’t be it. She must have just cast the net of blame too wide. I won’t make the same mistake. I’ll scapegoat a single demographic, instead of the entire province. Just for shits, I’ll target the damn kids who probably produced that meme in the first place!” This Eureka! moment would of course have been followed by a fist pump. Or perhaps a celebratory jig. Or whatever dance was popular when Horgan was in that 20-39 demographic himself. A Waltz maybe?

Yes, John 'Hulk' Horgan must have been very pleased with himself. Because, whether he set out from the start to accomplish this or his time-ravaged mind merely stumbled upon it by chance, he’s uncovered a new long con: government by the people. While it’s quite possible that he just took that term a bit too literally and had no actual ill intentions, the fact remains that we are providing premier Horgan with a six-figure salary to do, well…nothing. Many people, myself included, were offended by his chastening comments. But now that I’ve had time to think, I rescind my offence. He was right to chastise us young people for “not doing enough” and “putting the rest of us in a tough position” because, after all, enforcing COVID restrictions that have never existed and that no one has ever violated or been punished for is OUR job and not his.

I would actually like to take this a step further and thank premier Horgan. I have not only rescinded my offence, but replaced it with inspiration. Since I was a boy, I have dreamt of having a career that would require little to no work, allow me to blame my frustrations with the world on everyone around me AND put me in the top 1 percent. Many people say that you have to see your dream to be able to achieve it. Premier Horgan has shown me my dream career. He has shown me that my career criteria are not unreasonable, like my parents keep telling me, but actually well within reach. I have set my sights on politics. And when I reach the top of the hill, I will thank John Horgan for blazing the trail that led me there. We need more people like him in the world. People who inspire others to create big paydays for themselves through inaction and poor management.

This green earth of ours has never borne witness to a better motivational speaker than Mr. Horgan. He truly is the cream of the crop. I myself have grown quite tired of all these so-called entrepreneurs on television and social media who would have you believe that it takes decisiveness, good communication and hard work to make your financial dreams come true. Horgan is living proof to the contrary. He doesn’t need to communicate or work hard because he does his job effortlessly in the most literal sense of the word. I would suggest that he go on a speaking tour or pen a motivational book like Dr. Henry did. But that would require an effort that Horgan seems incapable of. Plus, it would destroy his brand messaging of ‘get paid first, do nothing later’. Because, again, it is our job as his taxpaying citizens to infer what he would do or say and react to it accordingly.