I went to church one day

“ I know that many of you here in this room… feel lost … afraid. Feel like you don’t have a place to belong. Like everything you do in life, has no meaning, no reward. That your struggles… don’t make sense. That the world… isn’t good anymore. But I promise you, there is a way. And I will show you that way” when he smiled at the audience I felt like he was smiling at me. As if I was the only person in this room. He’s reached into my soul, pulled out all my fears. "If you feel like your being called to. Raise your hand, and believe." I raise my hand. Because I was home now. I belonged and there was a way for me.

I wasn’t born in the church. My family didn’t go. And yet the church still found me. It was unreal. The feelings of the first few Sundays. Like the pastors were speaking directly to me. That my all-loving father in the sky was reaching out his hand towards me. I was hooked. How could I have not been, when the music was fun, high energy, when everyone smiled at me and shook my hand like I was an old friend. When the Pastor was funny, laid back, and made everything sound cool. It was like being a part of the cool kids. A secret group filled with fun retreats, good music, and sure a bit of preaching. I honestly thought it was a fun past time. A good way to be a part of a community that was good and honest.

And from there my life took a turn. As the die was cast.

I was sitting in the pew next to a couple of my long term friends. They were more like family really. And yet none of them mentioned that my shirt might be a little too low for church. I was trying to keep my cardigan wrapped tightly around me. I had just been jumping along with everyone and singing his worship. I can’t remember when I started being worried about what I wore to church, but I’d already had a few raised eyebrows of lately. But no one really told me I wasn’t suppose to where high heels or red lipstick. Pink was a fine colour. And kitten heels cure. But boots with heels were a gateway to sex. And don’t even get me started on the red lipstick. But I should have known I should have watched my shirt. Just last week I had been told that I ought to start wearing a t-shirt over my swimming suit. Because I had been blessed with sizeable breasts, and even in a one piece was making it hard for the boys. I needed to be mindful of my spiritual brothers, and set an example for my sisters. Modesty was god’s policy.

“It’s fine… I’m sure no one noticed.” My friend whispered. I looked down. “I’m just can’t believe I didn’t think about it. I just grabbed the first thing.” I whispered back at her. I was trying not to look around at the audience as Pastor Thomas took the stage. Of course I’d made a fool of myself on his Sunday to speak. I watched as a number of the girls perk up when seeing him, and a few of the guys take stalk of what he was wearing. By next Sunday, a bunch of them would have a near identical blue button shirt, in which they would wear with the sleeves half rolled up and a scarf casually thrown around their necks. Pastor Thomas was always setting new trends. After all he was the one who started the side hug.

“Good Morning Everyone.” He smiled into the audience. His mic piece echoes a little as the sound tech adjust the volume. “It is a beautiful day today. I hope you’ve remembered to tell someone you love them. I know we already did our morning greeting, but stand up and greet each other. We’re all a family here!:” People jumped up to greet each other as Pastor Thomas ran down to the first few pews and touched a few of the congregation. He gave my hand a firm squeeze. “I’m so glad to see you.” He said it to no one in particular. But he was staring at me. Had he seen my shirt….

“I want to talk about love today. And not just any love. But the love between a man and a women. And not just any man or women, but your chosen future partner and you. And for those of you who half already found your soulmate. How your love can honour god.” He took a pause. A few people swooned a bit. My friend wiggled a bit in her seat. She’d been talking about her future husband just last night. I bit my lip a little waiting for the punch line. Because it had to be coming.

Pastor Thomas took out a roll of duct tape and cut two pieces of tape. He joined them together, “This is the love you are destined for. It cannot be broken and it will stick together no mater how hard I try and pull them apart.” He tugged at the two pieces for good measure and smiled at us. “This is how god intends for you to be…. But often something else happens.” As he looked into the crowd I felt his eyes on me again. He took two new pieces and started sticking the one piece against multiple objects until it was coated in a thick layer of dust and lint. He tried to stick it to the other piece of tape, but it flutter to the ground. “This is the type of love we see in the world today.” He began to explain. I looked around wondering if anyone else felt as uncomfortable as I did. But everyone was watching him with great intent. “When we don’t keep ourselves pure for each other, our love is tainted from the beginning. And I am not just talking about virginity here. This can be our thoughts, how we dress, what we consume in books and movies. All of that can make us lose our purity that is meant for our partner. "

I looked down. I should have paid more attention this morning.

"Girls you must help your brothers and the men in your life to remain pure in thought..... Boys I see you too."

What was that suppose to mean. I looked down at the booklet in my hand that we'd been given at the start of the sermon. The familiar sections of Ladies group, elder's notice and the general bulletin area suddenly seemed wrong.

"My sister squeezed my hand, "Don't worry! We'll make sure we always check each other in the morning before we come to church." She was now covering her own shirt with the sweater she'd brought in case she got cold. I don't think it even went past her collar bones. I gave her a weak smile. It was just another thing to add to the list.

But this was the way. The beautiful way shown to me so long ago. When Pastor Thomas first started speaking to us at church camp. Even sitting in the pew I can still think of the Alice in Wonderland theme. Of finding the right pathway to take in life.... that narrow path that brings you home. I bite my bottom lip again. Hoping no one thinks that I don't understand. I've been called the difficult one before.

Was the so called 'narrow' path the right one. If I was being punished for a body I couldn't change. I shake my head. I can't think like that. This is the way to home. I belong here.

I scan the crowd again as people slowly file out. A few of the other girls give me a side eye. My cardigan isn't wrapped around my body anymore. I scramble to readjust.

.....

"Have you seen the news?" a girl whispers from behind me. I have a few moments before class is about to start. "Yeah, I hear some Pastor got locked up." the boy beside her whispers back. I grab my phone from my back and click onto the news app.

And there it is. Pastor Thomas Suthers Arrested for Sexual Assault allegations. I put my phone on my desk like its going to burn me. I haven't heard that name for a couple years. I nervously pull my sweater closer around me before catching myself and letting it go.

"psst.." the boy from behind me taps my shoulder. "Ellie, didn't you use to go to that church?" he asks. I nod my head before turning back around. My phone is vibrating on my desk. I look at the messages piling in.

I'm so sorry Ellie. That must be hard to see.

Ellie. Long time no talk.... I'm sorry.

Congratulations whore.

I hope your happy you tempted him.

I should have believed you....

I shut my phone off and close my eyes. And it flashes back again. They day my life changed again.

He's looking at me. Smiling as he hands me the book he thinks I will like. 'A wife from God'. I take the book and go to ask him why he's given me this. If it's because I've been a horrible person? Am I causing others to sin? Am I being punished. But he cuts me off before I can ask.

"Ellie. I think god has told me you will be my soulmate. You're just so mature for your age...." He praises me. I can't help but smile. Yes I am mature. "You are so lucky to have been chosen."

I breathe out again. I am not there anymore. I am in the classroom, I am 21 and I am finally going to get my degree. I turn back to the boy and girl chatting about it.

"Honestly.... I'm so lucky I got out."