A reason for homelessness

Jordan Biehn is another homeless person I love, love, love.

Her street name is Barbie. I think of her as a lovely woman - a kind of modern Eve. I know her to be a complex. injured, independant, masochistic artist. She knew Olya Stefania Marko, my deceased partner, and would sometimes sit with us in Tim Hortons, but never for long. Olya called Jordan my fantasy woman. Olya and I could talk about anything. Olya wasn't really describing just a sexual ignition system. Olya was talking about a desire, on my part, to matter. In Jordan's case by helping her recover from own heavy judgements. Olya and I often talked of the 'wiggle room' that people might extend to themselves: regular forgivenesses, self-allowances, especially during societal failures, to be sometimes angry, to sometimes act out in embarrassing ways. This is especially true in the homeless population which are, amongst other things, some of the most profoundly doctrinal law and order types that you will come across. So much so, that I fear they help elect conservatives who sometimes seem to pretend that the homeless are not really there.

Barbie walks constantly and her musculature is therefore very strong. But the cold winters are beginning to affect the range of movement in her hands. This probably causes Barbie a lot of grief since she really does love to draw.

She has some great griefs in her life that she is reluctant to talk about, indicating that she can get violent even telling of them. I think that I have always been ready to risk her bark or bare her bite to hear the details of her sadnesses.

In lieu of such permissions, and to honour her love of drawing utensils, I once gave her a 19th century dip pen, antique ink, a 19th century cast iron pen holder and inkwell. I didn't think that there was anyone better suited for such wonderful drawing and writing instruments, nor anyone more deserving of as safe a compliment as possible. I gave her then boyfriend an equivalent writing instrument from the past, in his case a German 'Rotring' drafting pen, which has a design stolen from Duncan MacKinnon (1839-1882), a Canadian druggist and inventor, who first got the stylographic pen to work in 1876.

Of the many street people I have talked to about what they would need if they obtained housing, Barbie is one of the few who gave it thought and returned with an answer. But she also said that I needed to be their spokesperson. I didn't think so. I tried to explain what iconic figures she and others were but to little avail. The housing issue she identified was the one she would not otherwise talk about: How to arrange safe visitation between a child or between children and a parent in a building potentially filled with active methamphetamine and other drug users. You see, Jordan has a son about whom she thinks every day. And she has an additional self punishment she administers each day to pay the fee for his abandonment: Jordan lives the life of a very moral person. She looks after others by thought and deed. Jordan is often moved to tears but only shows one person. The punishment she administers is cruel. She chooses to believe that love is a lie if only for herself. That anyone who uses that word, thinking of her, is only preparing to abandon her as she did her son.

Moreover, she entices the abandonment outcome, something I call 'preemptive abandonment'. So far as I know, preemptive abandonment is my own phrase. As a behaviour, it is extremely common, especially among adoptees and adoptee equivalents, that is, abandoned children by whatever cause. Succinctly, the previously abandoned person is so terrified of a recurrence that he or she cannot endure the anxiety and the terror of awaiting the 'inevitable' to occur. So they instigate a new abandonment since a) they must release the anxiety, and b) the past is proof that the 'inevitable' will occur.

I am only realizing as I write, that I may always have been providing Olya with palliative care. And that she may have set up my meeting with Jordan, who is in the same category of need, which is to say, she is at risk of dying. I fear that Jordan's intravenous drug use has been shutting down her circulatory system. Jordan, knowingly or not, introduced me to Amanda. I fear that Amanda too is dying. Perhaps we are each others' palliative care givers. Writing seems an unusual way to inferentially discover all these things.

Over the years, I have met dozens if not hundreds of street people. I have found them to be kind, generous, gentle, smart, thoughtful, honest,... did I say smart?, ...fearful and especially uncomfortable in their own skin. The overriding characteristic is an intense feeling of being unsafe: unsafe from others and unsafe to themselves. Getting to know them often involves running a gauntlet of safety tests, often with four or five different purposes built into each test. The tests sometimes go on and on and on. past the point of exhaustion. In fact, it is to discover how you behave when you are exhausted and provoked which is the key for how vulnerable persons feel in your company, since that is the point that they have often encountered assault, degradation, sexual misuse, the loss of control over their bodies, etc.

Today, I found Jordan's Facebook page. I leave you with a picture from that page. The next paragraph is Jordan's own writing. Originally doodled on cardboard, I typed it out last year and saved it on my computer for a good moment. I imagine Jordan has been waiting for me to figure out a way to publish it. Please consider it Jordan's Valentine to Winnipeg:

"In recent events the winnipeg police department & the city of winnipeg have decided 2 kick upwards of 100 people from out of the communities’ eye from underneath the bridge and riverbanks alike.Not only did they give either a less than 24 hrs. to no worming eviction 2 those people but they allowed them 2 be there for the spring, summer and fall months with little 2 no problems, all cuing the community 2 believe they were still safe, along with personal effects, food, tents, means to make money, equipment for freelancers, as well as donations they had received. Not only did they get little 2 no worming at all but the winnipeg police thought it was appropriate 2 burn camps dawn, throw away food / tools / donations, warm blankets, heater[s], etc. they had saved all yearlong - within minutes. And although people may see this as a good thing it is not. People were arrested for doing the same thing the police had NO problem with days earlier but our family was broken up, put in jail with no way of contacting one and other or now even a meeting place. The police also decided it was appropriate to seize work dogs (which had not been a problem days earlier), either giving the pet owners fines of up 2 $1000 along with those jailed, receiving similar fines. And now with donations, crafts made, clothing found, all usual to trade or income, left the community with 0. Also banning them from under the bridge cut of the people sight because yes, some of us are drug users but at least when the bridge was available, addicts drinkers and partiers alike were more lightly 2 use which in turn caused less overdoses, safer using and a contained area for needle users or we smokers etc. there were also people there to handles those sketching out or 2 drunk who may have been unsafe 2 the community or themselves, I.e. freezing to death, overdose dehydration, panic attacks, freak out, etc. So in 24 hrs they lose everything they had achieved which included creating there own power source from a source that was already being freely given 2 the rest of the community. All their tents / warm blankets / belonging[s] / merchandise / donations / pets, loved ones been fined & forced back out in 2 public eye____ for most , now forced out of the only home they had"