A Modern Proposal

2020

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the streets of America when they see the state of things. Enormous houses, fit to house 10-20 souls, occupied by a single couple, the garage packed full of vehicles that utilize too much of our finite resources to build and maintain, and yet are never used. They are there for status and ornamentation only. The walls of these houses erected by laborers who are frequently underpaid, their unions having been dashed by the very politicians the residents of these monstrosities have bought and paid for. Diamonds mined by children in countries that the inhabitants of these houses can not pronounce the names of, nor point to on a map, adorn the limbs of these people. They think only of the weight of the stones, never of the blood spilled to obtain them.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the sheer number of these people, coddled by the economy, who never have to work because they exploit the labors of others, who will never face financial ruin because they are being bailed out with the tax dollars of the working class, are an ugly scar upon the land. Therefore, any who could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these one-percenters sound and useful members of the United States, would deserve a statue set up for her as the preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined only to the top 1%. I feel that even the French did not go far enough, in taking merely the top 10%. I propose to a much greater extent and shall take in the whole of the top 20% of people who could end poverty, starvation, homelessness, and under-education, but choose not to. For those who demand charity from the disenfranchised, robbing them of their taxes, which go to line their pockets and keep them well-fed, while slashing through programs meant to help the vulnerable.

As to my own part, having turned my attention to this important subject for many years, and watching the machinations of others, trying to solve this problem of the super-wealthy clogging the arteries of our great nation. I have found their suggestions of ceasing the use of straws, going vegan, and recycling plastics to be lackluster. The truth of the matter is, the true danger to our planet and its resources are things that will be largely impacted by the working class. Having people who have very little in the ways of material joy sacrifice things seems to be short-sighted when the problem could be eliminated almost immediately through a much more humane method.

There is, likewise, another great advantage in my scheme; it will prevent those who are vulnerable to fluctuation in the economy, from losing all that keeps them alive. Once my proposed plan has been initiated, the means of production will be seized by the workforce, and will no longer be subject to the whims of those prone to folly. The suffering of the disenfranchised would no longer move tears and pity, as the savage and inhuman would be dispatched.

The United States houses roughly 327.2 million souls within its borders. From these numbers, I calculate that about 65.44 million of these people are afflicted with this penchant for exploitation. I shall subtract roughly 1 million people who would be willing to give up the useless things they have collected, and their wealth, to the good of all (although, in the current economic realities and animosity between the classes growing, I apprehend there cannot be so many). I will again subtract another 16 million or so who will attempt to flee, or self conclude. After this, there will only remain roughly 48.44 million of the afflicted. The question, therefore, is how shall this number be sustained? As I have already stated, under the current situation of affairs, this number is completely unsustainable. They are unemployable in any useful trade, they are utterly inept at handicraft or agriculture; they have no skills to build houses, or to cultivate the land in a sustainable way. If left to their own devices, without the labor of others to exploit, they can not feed themselves. The only way they can maintain their livelihood is by theft from the skilled laborers, the most vulnerable, and the disenfranchised.

I am assured, by the greatest economists of the age, that a member of this 20% of the nation's most wealthy is no saleable commodity, even when they say they create things like jobs, they pay such a meager amount to those that they employ, and take such a large portion for themselves, those that work for them are often left more in destitute than they were before. If left unattended, these ruthless scoundrels will run entire cities worth of labor into exhausted wretched wearing rags, and being undernourished for the scarcity of wages.

I shall now, in light of this, humbly propose my own thoughts, which I do not anticipate as being liable to objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Irishman of my acquaintance in Boston, that due to their exploitation of skilled chefs, and treatment from nutritionists, that the upper echelon of wealth is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food. They are delectable roasted, baked, broiled, instant-potted, and air-fried, and I doubt very much that the limits of human imagination for culinary arts will stop there.

I do, therefore, humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of the 65.44 million Americans already holding onto the means of production and legislation, that the remaining 48.44 million left after the projected circumstances listed above could be utilized in this way. If we distributed the fruits of their bodies to all remaining Americans, each household could have roughly 20% of one of these criminals for consumption to stave off starvation while the country reboots itself into a system of governance that serves the people more than just the wealthiest 20% of people.

I have reckoned upon a medium that the average human weighs 137lbs worldwide, however, in America, this increases to roughly 197lbs, which is good news, as each household will receive nearly 10lb of meat, give or take.

I grant that, while the revolution rages, this sustenance will be rather dear and, therefore, it is only right that black, disabled, trans, system affected individuals who were disproportionately targeted by these afflicted people, receive the first title to this bounty.

It is important in this time of great uncertainty about the state of the planet and the effects of climate change, that we do not waste any part of the Wealthy. Let their bones be fashioned into tools and decorations. The skins, when properly dressed and tanned, will make the most admirable clothing to protect us from the coming nuclear winter.

If the coming revolution takes longer than we anticipate, dear comrades, fear not, we can always eat the police and standing military forces in times of dire need.

Presented as a satirical nod to Dr. Jonathon Swift