What I Would Have Done

Hello World!

Today I’m going to share with you the content of an article I wrote a while ago that I have been trying (and failing) to get published. Usually when I care as strongly about specific content as I do this, it’s not this difficult for me, but this content includes a claim about myself that has potentially-significant societal implications that I am (sadly) not able to prove.

THUS, I am putting it here, an anonymous blog I’ve decided to dedicate entirely to this topic, given that (I’m assuming) many will be seeking information beyond what I originally included.

Here we go!

FIRST, A SHORT STORY

The One With All The (Aaron|Erin)s

Our story starts, like many others, with a boy and girl. The boy we’ll call Aaron and the girl we’ll call Erin. 🤪

Erin grew up quite alone, not because she was never around other people but because she felt the need to hide completely from them. She was never accepted when she would “be herself” so she instead decided to be no one at all: she spoke only when she deemed it absolutely necessary.

Then she met Aaron. 🤩

Aaron was a Japanese-American econ student that requested Erin’s help in the first and only class they ever shared together: CS-204. The topic of request was Git, which, for those that don’t know, is a software that (what’s likely a very high majority of developers) use to track the development changes they make to their projects’ files.

Git had literally nothing to do with the coursework of the class, which of course was confusing to Erin, but she said nothing of her confusion (which should be unsurprising given her choosiness over when she offers up her voice) and offered her assistance anyway.

Aaron surprised Erin with the level of complexity at which he was interested in understanding the seemingly-random topic—think Pro-Git book times ten level of complexity. Erin assumed this was because Aaron was interested in her, especially because her knowledge-level of Git was much less than his apparent end goal, so much so that for the majority of their time together, they were just learning the software together.

What Erin didn’t know, though, was that Aaron wasn’t actually learning Git at a very high complexity at all. He had already known the basics enough to know that Git was his desired tool, and he had decided he wanted someone else to learn it well enough that they could properly recreate it.

And what Erin must have known subconsciously but about which was lying to herself consciously was that it was quite unlikely (possible, sure, but still very unlikely) for Aaron to really be interested in her given her inability to display even a semblance of a personality.

And YET by the time Aaron decided she was ready, Erin was so infatuated with the only person to ever show her attention (i.e. Aaron) that not a single doubt entered her mind before she did it.

THE MAIN STUFF

Done with the double (Aaron|Erin)s! 🤗 Still going to keep Aaron, but, as you might’ve guessed, Erin is actually me (not my real name, though, of course, and neither is Aaron his).

Together, Aaron and I make up Satoshi Nakamoto.

😮

Together, we created Bitcoin. Alone, Aaron reaps the rewards of what we did. Alone, Aaron locked me out of all our shared accounts and ran away. Alone, I was so ashamed of letting myself be used to such a degree that I have, to this day, not so much as even considered participating in anything related to Bitcoin or any other digital currency.

Aaron never fully explained to me his concept of the digital currency, and honestly, I was so insecure I never asked. He wasn’t a big fan of questions, especially if they were interrupting him while he was working (which was most of the time)… He had some anger issues.

But he was also at times really sweet. He painted an amazing picture of what our life would be after the initial release and our mining efforts/ investments. Though I guess it’s not difficult to paint a nice picture when you’re to have over a billion dollars. Well over enough that we could retire before we even started working, and well over enough that our families, current and future, wouldn’t have a care in the world.

And maybe he meant all that he said. Maybe he never really meant to lead me on. Maybe he always assumed I knew that our lives after the release were to be separate. I, of course, could have mined myself and invested myself and had a care-free family myself.

But that just wasn’t what I had imagined. I really thought we were to do those things together. And that's obviously also what I really wanted. So I was crushed. Need I reiterate that he was the only person that had ever expressed even remotely any interest in me.

And yet the world spins on and here we are now. However many years later. With my life nearly as though I had nothing at all to do with it.

I suppose there are a few key differences of course.

And I suppose I do believe that some of those differences have made my life better. For example, I doubt I’d have such in-depth knowledge of merkle trees. Those have come in handy a few times at work—maybe granted me a slightly earlier promotion.

And in case it's still a puzzle, merkle trees are the data structure that connect Git to Bitcoin. 😉

But despite the ways my life has gotten better, I'm not convinced I'd say it’s gotten overall better because there is one way in which it has been made significantly worse. (And I don’t mean Aaron; sure, I was pretty upset about him, but I got over it and eventually found someone that I genuinely love—someone that I can even talk to! What a life)

No, the way in which my life is irrevocably worse is the guilt I will always feel for having made a huge impact on society because of greed and because of a crush. I wanted to have someone that loved me (and for us to be rich 😕) so much that I was willing to blindly impact the entire rest of the world.

Now a ridiculous amount of my time is spent following and analyzing Bitcoin-specific news, trying to determine what choice I’d have made if I were to have decided based on what I thought was best for society and the world.

Likely, I don’t think I’ll ever come to a conclusion. As with most major impacts, there are positives and there are negatives, and it’s quite difficult to know either which one wins in the end or whether you have enough information to even attempt such a determination.

TL;DR

I did not take the miniscule amount of time necessary to determine if a huge project I was working on would have a positive or negative impact on society, and now I’ll forever be wasting precious time and energy trying to determine whether I’d’ve done the project if I had. I’ll forever be obsessing over whether my project-mate had good, worldly intentions… whether this could be a rare (or maybe this isn’t rare?) case where a negative intent had a net-positive impact… whether I believe Aaron should be located and punished if that’s the case... whether I'd have the courage to help them find him if I do.

Perhaps my continued indeterminations are just my subconscious trying to save me from the crushing despair I’d inevitably feel if I believed my societal contribution too overwhelmingly detrimental. Or perhaps my having been so easily manipulated has so lowered my spirits that I just can’t see how undoubtedly better society is from what I’ve done.

Regardless, I can’t change what I did in the past (nor will I ever know if I’d want to), but I can change how I will make decisions in the future, and you can too. Whenever you have a decision to make, any decision at all, I truly hope you’ll join me in the practice of taking a moment (just a moment!) before you decide to consider (for each possible answer!) all the ways it could affect the world around you.