Writing through silence

I’m Josey and I am autistic. I have been writing since I could remember. My mom hung on to so many little art projects and stories from when I was a child that it's hard to pinpoint exactly when I started writing stories and poems. I can remember little crayon drawings with stories attached as early as six years old. Stories of snowmen and songbirds and even favorite cartoon characters.

Looking back, I can see autistic behaviors my entire life. I wasn't actually diagnosed until my late teens though. I had many things thrown at me, just severe ADHD to members of my own family telling my parents I was just a brat and needed to be spanked more. No one understood that I was often overwhelmed and struggling to speak. The inability to speak and socialize impacted me in school and making friends too. However, I had a handful of friendships that thrived on note passing and writing back and forth in notebooks. On paper, I could speak and speak and speak. Nothing held me back from talking about my day or feelings, even if it felt like my vocal chords were literally locked shut. I could fill journals and write all day, I thrived in english because it was the easiest class for me to express myself in.

After high school, I found some of my closest friends online, where it was far easier for me to talk via instant messages and social media, and I could isolate if I needed to when I was overwhelmed. I could explain myself far easier than just completely melting down in person. I also met my wife first online, and one of my nearest and dearest best friends, Elanor. Both of them have helped me find another way to communicate, ASL, which has opened up more communication for me when I am non-verbal, especially when I don't feel like I have the ability to type or open an app to help me communicate, I can use my own hands and body to express my immediate needs. They also are open to me taking my space and then writing out my feelings as opposed to face to face confrontation. Oftentimes, it's very difficult for me to handle intense conversation in the flesh, and it's easier for me to express myself via text message or even in a note. I am thankful for my entire group of friends who understand that I cannot always FaceTime, talk on the phone, or even talk in person sometimes. I used to be embarrassed of my inability to vocally express myself at times, but then I realized that writing out my needs & feelings, using a voice app or even ASL are NOT lesser forms of communication. Communication is valid, no matter the form, and I had to tackle my own internalized ableism. I had to deal with ideas floating in my head as if speaking were the only form of communication out there.

Clearly today, writing is still my preferred form of expression. I write poetry, essays, short stories and I also have a handful of novels I cycle through working on. But I also use writing to discuss my daily life and emotions. My wife and friends help me combine text, ASL and verbalizing which has led to far less meltdowns and more understanding. Simple signs in ASL especially help me get out basic needs. I don't feel suffocated by an inability to speak, instead I have many valid ways to express myself. I don’t have to live in a state of my own silence, I am free to write, to sign, to express.