Your friend is not your therapist

A good friend is hard to come by, and it seems a good therapist is even harder to come by. At the end of the day though, your therapist is exactly that... your therapist. Your friends may be a shoulder to cry on, but they also aren't trained to be your therapist. Even if you have a friend or two who IS a therapist, you're their friend and not their client.

Now I don't mean you can't talk to your friends about your personal problems. What I mean is, you can't expect your friends to be able to take it all on and solve it with you. Some people may have the time and patience to do so, but it doesn't mean you should expect everyone to. It also means that you shouldn't constantly be trauma dumping on those who seem to be able to handle it either.

Having a therapist can be an expensive privilege for many, especially if your insurance doesn't cover anything at all. It gets worse if you need to see a psychiatrist as well to be medicated. I spent a good chunk of my adult life so far uninsured and unable to get into therapy. I relied heavily on friends for advice and help with my mental health, but none of them had any proper training to give me techniques to help, and had just as much knowledge as I did at the tips of my fingers with google. They could only help me as much as I could honestly help myself. My friends were there for me the best they could, and some are still here to this day, helping me be the best human I can. However, there were times in my instability that I somehow expected my friends to fix everything, but also be there for me constantly. It was like I had completely forgotten, that despite us having similar interests, that they had a life beyond me. I was a part of their life for sure, but not as big of a part as I had inflated myself to be. They had their own lives, own families, own drama, own trauma, their own time to be used how THEY decided. I would be deeply offended when they weren't there for me at the drop of a hat, even if they were dealing with something themselves. They did what they could, but ultimately I had to get more help.

Eventually I was able to start therapy and land on my current therapist, who has really helped me find and help myself. It took a few different therapists before I landed my current one, but I'm finally working through my traumas in the way I desperately needed. My friends are here too, ready to hear how my sessions went, or just talk about a normal day. I tell them a lot of what I tell my therapist, but only after I get their go ahead to put anything heavy on them. Sometimes they're busy, sometimes they're struggling in their own way and if my load is lighter, I'll take on theres with them for a bit. It is difficult to find balance, but I also look inward. Am *I* there 24/7 for the people in my life? I need to sleep, eat and take care of myself first of all, but I'm allowed to also put my phone down and just enjoy my life too. I hope the same for my friends, that they're out enjoying things too, even just a favorite movie on the couch with their beloved pet.

I don't tell my therapist all of my inside jokes with my friends, I don't ask him to go see the latest Marvel film, to an amusement park or over for a smoke sesh. I also don't tell my friends everything that happens in my therapy sessions as it's for my therapist and I to work through. I have found balance between my friends and my therapist, and remind myself regularly that just like I have a life aside from them, they have a life aside from me.

- BetterHelp.com can help you find a therapist you can afford who caters to your specific needs, including the LGBTQ+ community.

- If you are ever in a life threatening mental health situation, please contact the National Suicide Helpline at 1.800.273.8255.