Why I Hate And Love Birthdays At The Same Time.

When I was a child, birthdays were about celebrating growing up and mile stones. Family would make a big deal out of it, and they would have made a huge fuss of me. I wasn't ever ungrateful for this; It was always nice that someone thought about me on my birthday, and it was exciting to think that I was a day away from adulthood.

Today, I am an adult and I just turned 48 years old.

I am not in a celebrating mood, but I am in a grieving mood.

Unlike those birthdays in childhood when I felt carefree and happy, even though they always overwhelmed me; today, my emotions around my birthday go a little deeper than that.

Birthdays bring back memories of pain and loss. They remind me of a lost youth, and a lost young parenthood when I lost my children because of abuse, and,

They remind me of my son. A son who I won't be able to contact until he is eighteen years old, because he was adopted by the authorities after trauma left me unwell for many long years.

Birthdays remind me of the bullying, life on the streets, the violence, and the torment of having everything I had built torn from me for something that was not my fault.

This is not to say that I can't see everything I have fought to build, nor does it mean that I am completely living in the past.

I'm not.

I reflect and beam about the moment I got married, and the positives I had with my children before becoming ill. I reflect on those moments when I started feeling confident about doing the things that I thought I couldn't do before such as writing, singing again, keeping fit, being more assertive and many accomplishments in rebuilding my education.

However, I have lost a lot in return for those gains, and those are times I can never get back.

• My children are growing and I can't rewrite their childhood histories, though I can watch them flourish and turn into the powerful young humans they are.
• I still have memories of severe trauma, some which took place on my birthday and at christmas. These are memories that I can't just erase from my memory, and all the therapy in the world won't take them away.
• I have lost many loved ones through death. Birthdays always bring back memories of those loved ones who were dear to me.

I spent most of my life in and out of trauma, and often it feels like their is a big black void of death where my life should have been. I can't fill those gaps because that time has passed.

I love the people in my life who try to make my birthday special, such as my mum and my husband, but when I look back as I do every birthday, I can't help but see the huge gaps where there should have been a timeline of progress through my young life.

On a positive note

Birthdays do remind me of all the precious things in my life that I have to live for such as my now grown up children, my grandchildren, my husband, my life in writing, and all of the beautiful things we do together.

It reminds me of the positive changes that are good in my life, mixed in with the memories of bad times and losses that I went through throughout the years.

People tend to think that I should be cheerful all day long on my birthday, but I can't. I have to have the time to reflect and put the memories into perspective or I will break down.

We must remember that while birthdays are supposed to be special; some people are also dealing with many forms of grief.

Memories from the past also create memories of grief, and that grief has to come out. It isn't healthy to hold it in.

I hope that you will reflect on this next time you wish someone a happy birthday, and that you will acknowledge their pain.

The best present you can give someone on their birthday is not to assume that it is a joyful time all of the time.

Wish them a "happy birthday" but please acknowledge their pain and show that you care, because sometimes people do feel sad on their birthdays.