Why I Am Proud of My Trauma

I was always the "insecure girl." I apologized for everything, changed my personality depending on who was around, settled for any man who would give me attention, and used substances in order to feel accepted and whole. My coping mechanism was to build up as many walls around my heart as I could so that when I let people get close to me, they could never get close enough to actually hurt me.

How it all Began

I started living like this at around the same time my virginity was stolen from me. I was at a Fourth of July party, 13 years old and extremely in over my head. Everyone else around me was about 10 years older than me, so I felt as if I had something to prove to them. I decided to drink, but I didn't just drink—I consumed copious amounts of alcohol and prescription pills until I passed out. My mom had warned me about going out to parties and making sure that I was aware of my surroundings and my peers; she told me to be careful not to allow myself to become vulnerable to toxic men. How could I be so stupid? How could I have allowed this to happen to me?

It was easy to blame myself because the society I lived in told young girls that if we just didn't dress or act a certain way, that we could avoid sexual assault—"boys will be boys".

So, I hid that I lost my virginity to rape for years. I stuffed my trauma so far down, that even I forgot about it sometimes. But when the thoughts and memories crept back in, I would use drugs and drink alcohol to the point of oblivion.

Hitting my Bottom

Sinking into the lifestyle of addiction, I began to lose all of the morals I once held dear; I did anything and everything I could just to get my fix. Once I had reached the point of constant drug use, I had no sense of self left. I was an empty shell of the girl I used to be, running in circles, attempting to make myself feel whole with the same things that caused me to become so broken. If my life wasn't a direct example of insanity, then I don't know what is.

As if my drug abuse didn't cause me enough emotional turmoil to finally get myself the help I needed, I got involved in an extremely abusive relationship that would eventually bring me to the point of complete defeat. I was living in constant fear, with a looming feeling that my life was to end soon; either by an overdose or from the hands of my boyfriend.

One night, I gained the courage to call my mom and tell her everything that had happened to me. What I never realized was that I wasn't just hurting myself by my actions, I was also hurting my loved ones. All my mom ever wanted was for me to live a life full of happiness and love, and instead I went down a path of self-destruction and pain. In response to my cry for help, my mom sent me to a dual-diagnosis treatment center that would eventually help me recover from my trauma, become a sober woman, and enable me to get to know myself for the first time.

A New Way of Life

In treatment, I found that there was a way of living that could provide me the things that I craved without having to use substances. I began to connect with other people on a n intimate level because I could trust that they would understand who I was as a person without the fear of judgment or abandonment.

I learned that not every relationship is transactional; relationships of any kind should not be selfish, should not have expectations for reciprocation, and should be based on love and respect. In the past, my relationships were all based on what the other person could give to me and what I could get for them. I was finally in a place where my friendships were based on genuine connection and care for one another.

Trauma therapy allowed me to begin to process my past experiences, accept them, and grow from them. I learned how to use my trauma as a way to help others who may be in need, which provides me with a sense of purpose that I have longed for my whole life. Our trauma does not define us, but what we do with our trauma will define our lives. I learned this the hard way, through emotional turmoil and heartbreak. Working through my trauma has allowed me to become proud of what I have survived and I would not change a thing about my past because it has shaped me into the woman I am today. I am grateful for the loving life that I get to be present in, for the wonderful relationships I have formed throughout my journey of recovery, and for what my future holds.