Why Can't People Allow Others To Be Mad?

I was so mad yesterday. A position at work I had applied, was placed on hold. My work has been toxic job was a glimmer of hope, not written off (but enough for it to be the second last nail in the coffin).

I felt what I believed was justifiable rage. All I wanted was someone to be mad with me. So I could rant, speak through it, let it go. Not the most therapeutic/strategy driven response. I need to reach conclusions on my own. I have never dealt with being told very well.

My husband came home. I told him about what had happened. He said you are overreacting and being petty. Did he mean it horribly? No, he thinks he was honest. I should get over it. No one wants to hear their feelings are invalid at the best of times. Someone working through trauma defiantly does not. There is a clear difference between being honest and being flippant.

Immediately triggered, I questioned myself over analysing every interaction. What did I miss? How could I be so stupid. I’ve made a fool of myself. Everyone is going to hate me. I’ve fucked up.

People who have experienced trauma as a child or at the hands of a narcissist. Will be all too familiar, that feeling when you are now in survival mode. Listening for any change in tone or words. Waiting to be told your too emotional. You should feel lucky you have a job. You are so stupid. That everything is your fault, you and your opinion don’t matter. The feeling of crawling into yourself praying they stop noticing you.

All of this happens in a matter of a minute. One flippant remark, one minute is all it takes to unravel a person. Words matter, not just words but the tone they are said in. Never use words against an over thinker, every syllable analysed. Looking for the hidden meaning behind everyone. Until they can no longer trust themselves or how they feel.

While this may feel like an overreaction to people on the outside looking in. These are just words. They don’t mean all that!! These people will never understand that mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse. There is no escape from thoughts, words lingering in your head taking up space. Altering the very thing that makes you unique, your brain. Is the scariest feeling in the world it changes how you think and feels for a long time. You can’t trust your thoughts or feelings. Looking for constant validation that what you feel is normal. Having feelings is normal.

I have spent a long time working on being comfortable with my feelings. Being able to express that I am mad is a big deal for me. Permitting myself to feel mad is a big deal making me feel shitty about it is a dick move.

Could I have dealt with this differently? Yes. Was I annoyed because my husband hit the nail on the head? Sort of. Should he have exercised a little patience, let me figure it out myself? Absolutely. My husband has never been at the mercy of someone messing with their brain. So maybe I could be patient.

Luckily, my best friend understood the assignment when I messaged him to say I was mad. He phoned me, was mad for me and let me rant till I felt better. Did I overreact? A little. Do I have every right to be raging? Damn, right I do. For the absolute first time, I owned the shit out of that wee angry feeling. It’s a small start but small steps in the right direction for sure.