Why Anger Terrifies Me?

Anger is one of the scariest things in my life. It's one of the things I have been through from my deep depression. I'm like others. I grew up as a child that I had been told by adults including my parents that “it's not right or not nice to be angry.” If I release my anger, I would be mean or fearsome to others. If I throw tantrums or have meltdowns from my anger, I would be punished like going to timeout or going to my room. Anger is not my cup of tea. I never like being forceful with others. I never like to shout or scream in public. I would have called for help immediately. I'm too scared to be hateful. I never enjoyed that at all. It's one of my major weaknesses. Anger has always terrified me ever since I was born. I do get angry sometimes. I get upset, overwhelmed, jealous, irritated, annoyed, and frustrated. Unfortunately, I feel uncomfortable by showing these intense emotions to others including my family, and in general places including schools, groceries, and shopping malls. Whether it's stress, sensory overload, envy, depression, anxiety, or other personal issues. If I scream aggressively like loudly, others will look at me, and then, I will freeze completely. I have those thoughts like “did I do that?” “Why are they looking at me?” “They think I'm threatening them.”I have to get out of here.” From my social anxiety struggles, I always felt afraid about being judged by others if they saw my anger. When I let it out, I felt deep inside of guilt. It drained me.

One of the examples I learned about anger, in my opinion, was a very bizarre but interesting film in 1979 called ‘The Brood’, directed by David Cronenberg. It's interesting when the main character named Nora, played by Samantha Eggar, and even the entire film showed how the abandonment issues, abusive/neglectful family, divorce, and trauma make us have many intense emotions including rage, fear, and sadness along with their scars, etc. I can tell when the rage, hate, and anger are growing enormously, and then it turns out to be ghastly and vicious.

When I let my anger out, It feels like an erupting volcano, bursting with flames, or an explosive building(the same thing as Anger from Pixar’s “Inside Out”).

According to one of my favorite self-guided journals from The School of Life- “Who Am I?” On page 29, What gets me into a rage? Mine sounds deep. It's when someone judged me, sold me out, ditched me, or dismissed me. It's also when I fail miserably including important goals, something that's important to me, or getting rejected/ghosted easily; and when someone pushes my buttons until I get extremely annoyed. but I would never roar at somebody. I have always been angry at myself.

I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my intense emotions and feelings. It's still part of me. It's exactly when my family, friends, therapists, and coaches told me. I shouldn't let my anger define me. I should never hide any of my emotions. It's part of human nature. Yes, it's ok to be angry and frustrating. It's ok to feel hurt. It's always been hard these days to retrain my intense feelings, but it's impossible. I tried to hang in there, even if I have been surrounded by uncomfortable things. It’s still very tricky, but it's gonna take a while as Alison Lohman told me during our sessions. I should always be easier on myself more. I should always keep practicing to overcome my emotions. I cannot let those toxic things overwhelm me. I have to keep focusing on not letting things get into me. It's important to be a vent, but I would not try to force anyone including the ones who support me. I have to take a deep breath as much as I can. Like I said before, I should always keep reminding myself to know that it's just who I am.

RESOURCES:

• The School of Life. [YouTube channel] April 17th, 2017. “Why We May Be Angry Rather Than Sad” from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfdzXmpAJrs
• The School of Life.[Youtube channel] Decemeber 28th, 2016. “How not to be Angry all the Time” from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiCkmcKjX8
• Sobczynski, Peter.[author] October 13th, 2015. “The Shape of Rage: David Cronenberg's "The Brood"”. Features. https://www.rogerebert.com/features/the-shape-of-rage-david-cronenbergs-the-brood