Meghan’s Shiney Path

Hello, everyone. My name is Meghan. I wanted to share with you how I gained a lot of wisdom and my journey and experiences through this remarkable challenge. You may see me as an artsy, a nerdy, a glimmer, and a creative young woman with unique outfits in both feminine and gender-neutral styles. Yes, I love whimsy fashion(and yes, whimsical is one of my favorite words). I love all tones of purple(pale lilac to plum), rainbows, velvets, sparkles, glitters, vivid patterns, and vintage details. I love oversized sweaters and flowy tunics. I love now-tied blouses. I love cute collars. I love adorable shoe-flats, oxfords, and kitten heels.

How did I shine? It's a very long story. It may not be in the perfect order. I have many steps, journeys, and achievements that I've been proud of myself during my lifetime with support, compassion, empowerment, strength, and hope. To be honest, it was tough as you think. It has always been a huge toughest road because of the deepest struggles, unhealed trauma, unsettled situations, and problematic crises. After the worst shame I made, I ended up being quiet and silenced forever in order not to be judged by others. Sadly, it makes it much worse if I keep hidden more for extra decades, the pain will even grow massive. Some things made me upset or frustrated easily and ended up quitting. That doesn't mean I should be acting like a coward, giving up on purpose, and pretending like ‘it's no big deal. I know it's gonna be very deep and emotional for others.

For decades, I have had so much pain that it dragged me no matter where I belong on this planet. I have always been ashamed, insecure, broken, wounded, discouraged, and misjudged because of all of my “character flaws” and “personality flaws” that destroyed me and even others. Still, I shouldn't doing it to punish me by my inner demons. I know it shouldn't have to be like that because of the shame and pain I have been struggling with for years. The same thing that I shouldn't take it personally too much, as I have always been beating myself up no matter what mistakes, etc made. I would like to share with you the right topics, tools, teachers, and therapies that encouraged me to be true to myself, to get my strength, and to stay on the right path. But, it's not as easy as you think. At least, I have survived so far.

In the past, I had a hard time connecting, understanding, and trusting with teachers, peers, and schools because of the ableist and perfectionist issues. Those issues involved one of the most traumatic moments in my life when I had been divided or separated in school. Why? I wasn't normal, mature, or smart enough like my friends, just like my entire school system believes. I wasn't very happy about it. I felt pressured so many times to fit in if I'm adequate as a “normal” student like my peers and friends. On the other hand, there are some of my teachers I like and appreciate. They have been patient with me from my learning disabilities, etc. I felt grateful to them for their encouragement and support. One of the teachers(who used to be my mother’s teacher) was from my third English/Writing class in the first college. The worst thing dealing with my language disorder is when others think that my English is my “second” language and my communication skills are not worthy enough to be successful with anything. He gave me another, but better chance and gave me hope to pass his class after I failed twice by other English teachers.

After the stressful classes and oppressive final semester from my second college, I'm on my own, in a difficult way like others do. However, I have to keep being more independent to help my family, including my dad, my sister, and of course my sister’s kids. I have also been supporting my brother’s brewing businesses and my sister’s fitness business. The deepest thing that made me insecure is that traditional lifestyle. For example, after school in your early 20s, you have to get married and start a career, right away, chop-chop, etc. That’s one of the good examples from four agreements-don”t make assumptions too much. It's like being pressured by a lot of things about what we should be doing or things that we believe in our fantasies. The same thing for me, but I shouldn't be ashamed of other adults if they asked me things like 'Meghan, why are you not married?’ ‘you're supposed to do this and that before you're in your 30s’, ‘why are you still living with your parents?’ ‘why are you not driving?’ I have other things to do. Helping my family is a bigger job than what you think. Still, it can be overwhelming and exhausting.

During that, I have a chance to join classes with these incredible coaches/teachers online. My best coaches and mentors are Crispin Freeman, Katie Gray, Steve Blum, Cathryn Hartt, Alison Lohman, Sahara Rose, Georgie Kirwan-Ferreira, Spike Spencer, and his wife Kimberly. They have a lot of great advice and tips about how to be ourselves and gave me those amazing, but very important words. Always take baby steps, also take it slowly, even if it's very tiny steps one by one as Alison said. Growth is still the hardest step, even if it's the first time, but it's always in the beginning. It still will not be easy. One of the things I am looking forward to in the future is remarkable things about Katie’s new book, ‘Journey of the Empowered Heart’, including the future book club meeting and courses(online of course and that's ok).

Also for decades, the same thing with the teachers from the school, I had a hard time connecting with a consular, therapist, or psychologist during the first time when my parents divorced. I felt confused, frustrated, disconnected, overwhelmed, and misunderstood why I am here or why I have to do this. I know they tried to help me, but sadly, I pushed them away deeply. However, years later, I felt connected by these two best therapists I ever have in my life. First, it was Amanda. I have her from earlier Spring 2017 until fall 2020. And then after that, I have Ann ever since. I truly understood myself and gave me hope that I should keep living and hang in there. I felt appreciative to them for having their deepest faith in me and understanding where I'd been coming from, even when I'm venting or ranting. I know I still have to keep using important routines and simple goals like making sure that I am doing activities, getting myself some rest, and allowing myself to have my rhythm, not theirs. I have to keep self-awareness as much as I can. Awareness is a key like Alison said. And yes, having therapy is always helpful and valuable. Thank goodness that I have therapy sessions every week. Also, Amanda, before I have Ann, I have to keep using the thinking coping(something more than just claiming skills) like keep reminding myself from both rational and logical thoughts. I know I said this before from my PMDD story, like Ann said that I have to keep reminding myself(always) no matter what circumstances, good or bad.

The best thing to do is that I have to take and keep using many tools that would help me to stay glimmering. It doesn't have to be perfect as I said before. During the covid pandemic, it was still challenging, especially in my recent days. I still have to go easy on the carbs, sodium, and calories. The food, however, is still difficult to trust to fulfill what's right for my genes and body because the affordable issues like the cheapest were the unhealthiest ones(fast foods) and the right ones(plant-based foods) are still expensive-which it's so unfair. Sweets, including ice cream, are still my heaven and indulgence. Personally, I have to go easy on the carbs and cravings especially when I begin to start my period and even my hormones are changing drastically. When I get very anxious or very stressed, I can't eat anything, which means that I don't have any appetite. I used to be an emotional eater from my preteen to early college years, but I can't do that anymore. During that, I have to use the right supplements, vitamins, and minerals. That would help my body and hormones since I'm already in my 30s.

I maintain to keep more active, like exercising every day. I can't be lazy. I know I have to get myself to rest, but still. One of my favorite activities is walking. The best thing It's when I was walking outside around my lovely neighbor in nice weather and listening to the sounds of nature. Nature is always important. I have to keep using meditation, without any perfection. I always enjoy both yoga and bhoga. Lately, I have been enjoying committing the embodiment movement exercise a few times. It is a flowing dance, it's also a “shadow-shake-shine embodiment practice” like Georgie and Sahara said. It's like moving to get rid of a bad mood or feeling stuck. Another quite helpful tool from Georgie, it's called the EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping. It's like acupuncture but it's a technique while tapping the side of the wrists, each fingertip, top of the head, eyebrow area, upper lip, chin, and collarbone. Those tools that it's helping me heal myself. Regardless, it does not have to be fixable or curable for my mental health struggles and premenstrual disorder. It's about practice and it takes time.

The biggest challenge that I'm trying to work on is doing exposure therapy. I'm still trying to conquer my worst fears that have pushed me to the deepest level depending on the intensity level from my anxiety, stress, and triggers. That's when Alison told me that I have to outcome my fears and do the same things others are doing. Sadly, it's still challenging. The worst is that I'm still struggling with a hard-life society, being mistreated as less human by others, my rejection-sensitivity dysphoria, and body dysmorphia. However, I recently conquered one of my fears, it was the stigma and ableism from my language disorder for decades. And this is when I started to join the vocal community in summer 2021.

Yes, I worried too much. It still wasn't pleasant to handle it, especially when it's hurting my body too. If I still have serious stress, intrusive thoughts, or intense sensitivities, I have to use mindfulness tools. That includes cognitive-behavioral therapy and dialectical-behavioral therapy. One of my favorite CBT/DBT tools is writing in self-guided journals. I got at least 15 or almost 20 total. I know it’s overwhelming. But, I will have to keep writing them even using the same words and same answers to keep my brain remembering it. There's another thing I agree with others, over 100%, ‘our brain lies!’ Also, there’s the title of the chapter from “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero, and it says, ‘Your Brain is a B****.’ I couldn’t agree more. It’s always true. Our minds have always been abusing us, psychologically, from all the pain and trauma that we have. My brain has always been wired for many reasons including my intense emotions and sensory overload issues since my childhood. I tried not to accept the negative comments and ignore positive compliments. About accepting or trusting the compliments, it's still tricky. Same thing while I was listening to an episode “I used to hate compliments” from Kimberly’s podcast, ‘The Princess and The B’. I do have a hard time with the compliments. I still have a hard time believing it. When Kimberly asked me how I would accept it, I answered. The only best tips are that I still have to keep trusting & understanding myself more and I should be grateful and understood as long as those compliments are not too toxic, uncomfortable, creepy, and awkward. She agrees.

Finding support groups is not that easy. So it's the toxic positivity. It's always been the worst thing in my entire life 24/7 to deal with my struggles. Am I too intense? Too sensitive? Too emotional? Too dramatic? By the time I found the right community, it keeps me shining and feeling welcome and comfortable. The best thing in my life is these support groups for women with PMDD(Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) gave me the biggest hope and kept me safe in the right environment that I should never be alone while I've been struggling with this disorder. I felt relieved that I'm just like all women who have this similar issue due to our premenstrual struggles and stigma. I also joined some meetings online(Zoom, GoToMeeting, and Skype) including that I was looking forward to learn about reconnection and healing ourselves with Buddhism and know our purpose(Dharma). I know that I'm not a fine religious person. I know It's very complicated after I had those odd relationships with God and church since I was young. Yes, it's always been hard. Furthermore, I feel peaceful while I'm still learning more from Buddhism. But, it's just a new step for me since pandemic 2020. Also what Alison said is that it's good to be passionate, but it's effective to open our voices, feelings to others, and support each other. Honestly is also important. On the other hand, Everyone, including those who've been supporting me, is always right! I have to be honest with myself more than others while I still need to take care of myself, even if I'm in the bad times right now.

I deserve that I can stay shining and keep shining myself more inside and out no matter what good days or bad days. The same thing with my therapist, Ann told me that it doesn't have to be “Happy, Happy! Joy, Joy!” all the time(permanently) or every day like from Ren and Stimpy. It's all about staying in progress. I deserve to be courageous every day. I deserve that I have to shine on my crazy diamonds every day and night(like one of my family’s favorite Pink Floyd songs). I have to take action while I'm doing something positive, even if I still need some help. No matter what happens again, I can still meditate or any mindfulness tool as part of my learning and growing. Like every month from my PMDD, I always have to keep myself aware of this disorder. I know I still have to keep resonating with myself for what's going on or what's happening in my life, heart, mind, and soul. I still need to be gentle, be graceful, and be patient without any measuring for my struggles.

I couldn't be more thankful for trying new things, finding the right people, the right tools, and more for a support system. I’m very thankful to all of the outstanding people who are close to me for helping me to get myself to shine through. Those people include my family and friends. I appreciate them all dearly. I may not be on the big goal like I'm on top of the mountain yet. I still have a long way to go. It's ok to be who I am. As I said, it’s all about progress no matter how difficult things have come this far or what's behind. It's hard to get more accomplishments and goals for 100%. I hope I will be able to continue being self-aware and knowledgeable so that I can transform those challenges into healing I can offer for others in the future. I don't have a truly happy ending yet and haven't been healed completely. That's ok. I still have to be patient with myself, I have to hang in there; but, I got this!