When You Are Invisible...

Yesterday, I experienced such a huge disappointment that it literally left me paralyzed. It wasn’t out of fear, but it could have been—after all, someone tried to break into my house in the middle of the night, almost two in the morning.

It’s really hard when you wake up to life and start understanding so many things. Today, I finally understood the meaning of the phrase: *"Ignorance is bliss."* Yes, it truly is a blessing. Waking up to life is amazing, and at the same time, it’s terrible. Really terrible. Wow… It hurts so much!

I never imagined the amount of headaches, body pain, heartache, and soul-crushing weight that comes with truly understanding how life actually works. Being ignorant must be wonderful! Just being another one in the crowd, without questioning, without wanting to change anything, without striving to improve for yourself and others—maybe that’s the best way to be happy!

What I find *“funny”* is that I’ve always been the kind of person who stands by anyone who needs help, even if it’s just to listen to their struggles. I have never judged anyone. Maybe, from time to time, I criticize some people—but only because I see them making the wrong choices in life and genuinely want to help.

And yet, when things go wrong, they come back to me for help, even when I was right, and they were wrong. It’s as if I’m a pillar for everyone, but they never truly consider me. All they want is someone available to hold everything together for them, to fix what’s broken. And once everything is fine again, they just forget about me—until the next time they make another mistake.

I’ve listened to endless venting, helped so many people in different ways—both in what I could and even in what I couldn’t—but I was always there. That was my mistake. **Always being there!**

Since the pandemic, I’ve been waking up to many truths, and unfortunately, it’s awful! No one warned me that taking the red pill would bring so much disappointment, but it has. Today, I understand why some people choose to take the blue pill of ignorance. Being strong hurts too damn much! I’d even throw in a curse word here, but I’m pretty sure my text wouldn’t make it through.

There are ways to be invisible within society. Even within your circle of friends and family. Somehow, some people are "chosen" to be invisible... No matter how much you do for others! And that’s exactly the point. I became invisible because I help too much! Is it really so hard to understand what I’m saying here?

I’ve erased myself so many times that I lost count. It started when I was little, at home, in a huge family, full of uncles, aunts, cousins, and siblings. Too many people for me to take care of, and too many people who didn’t have time for me. Why? I was never important to them. I was just the nice girl who was always smiling, always willing to be kind, to help, to listen, to dedicate my time… But what about me? What about when I needed them in the past, and what about now, when I need them?

I’ve been through so many things in my life, and never, never once, did I have someone’s hand extended to help me through the rough patches. No! I’ve always had to push past the barriers on my own. Me and God! And look, nowadays, I don’t even believe in God anymore.

After the red pill of truth, there’s no way to believe in humanity anymore. There’s no way to believe in the God that religion preaches. In none of those gods imposed by religions that manipulate the people. It doesn’t work! Simply, it doesn’t work! It doesn’t fit in the story, it doesn’t fit in life, it doesn’t fit in death. It doesn’t fit anywhere. God is just a man-made invention to give meaning to his existence.

I don’t want to judge, criticize, or condemn anyone’s faith. Everyone should do what they wish with their own beliefs. I just know that God doesn’t exist! It’s impossible, given everything that happens every day, around the world, around us, that such a being exists, let alone being "the father" of someone, and even worse... That this divinity truly loves us!

Being strong is good. Being strong is bad. Being strong is a curse!

When you’re strong, you become invisible to the world. People don’t notice your exhaustion, they don’t understand your complaints, and they don’t accept your pain. How could you, being a strong person, have pain, get tired? No! You are strong. Accept that and go help someone else. You don’t need a smile, a shoulder to lean on, a kind word, let alone affection and attention. You are strong!

No one asks if you’re okay because they always see you smiling. No one thinks you have problems because you’ve always solved everything silently, on your own. The big issue with always being someone else’s rock, holding them up when they’re about to fall, is that when you stumble and fall, no one offers their hand to help you stand back up. Is it because others think you can solve everything, or because they don’t know how to act when you fall? It could be both, but you know what’s most certain? People don’t care!

Then you choose the damn red pill and wake up. The flood of horrors never stops. You begin to see all the bad things life has and how truly messed up humanity is. Day by day, you learn that we are born destined for misery. We’re going to die one day, and many of us might not even have five people at our funeral.

Then you learn that people just want to use you. Each one has their time and purpose. You learn that many of them only stay by your side when you have something to offer—whether little or a lot, that depends on each one. You learn that reciprocity is not guaranteed, respect even less so, and love... Well, that’s another topic for another post. Not all attention comes back, not all affection is returned, and even less so is it multiplied... Loneliness is not the absence of people around you, but the absence of genuine interest in you.

So, what do you do? Stop helping, close yourself off from the world? Maybe. But the most important thing is to value yourself, forget the past, and take that first step toward your change. Others will complain, they’ll fight, and even accuse you of things you’re not—like being selfish, exaggerated, heartless, and so on. But that’s what they think, not who you are! Set boundaries, with anyone, even if it’s hard because it’s someone you care about, someone you love. Set boundaries! Change! Understand that others won’t be in the hospital bed for you, and certainly won’t be in the coffin when your emotional state weakens and your physical health declines due to these disappointments.

Don't close yourself off from the world, but choose which battles you’ll fight and don’t be afraid to be seen poorly by anyone, even family. If necessary, distance yourself from everyone, change your surroundings, change your company, change whatever you want to change. Don’t wait, like I did, to wake up in the middle of the night in a dangerous situation and realize that no one cares about you, even though by morning, they’ll be calling you asking for help. In the end, the only person who can never abandon you is yourself! And no one will value and love you more than you love and value yourself!

And you, how do you feel today? I feel terrible, invisible, but deep down, happy to know that I’m strong. But believe me, that’s really bad, yes, it is! I’ve realized that I was born alone and I’ll die alone. I just didn’t expect that being the person I was to others — or who I was, because I’m changing now — I’d have to go through situations where just a “hey, are you okay?” would have helped me a lot. But I chose the red pill!