Sometimes life hands you lemons, what do you do? I use to think make vodka Tom Collins. Now I think, squeeze that bitch and make lemonade. I guess that’s not how to start a post that has recovery in the tag. Let’s be real though, recovery or not, vodka always on my mind.
The year has been a fkn roller coaster. In July the planets were visible in a way they’ve never been in years. And after that my life got better. And simultaneously it was super stressful. I have literally questioned every move for months. And then questioned what decision I made. Literal palm to face emoji in real life. How can decisions that seem so obvious to your gut be so gut wrenching to make? Seems like an oxymoron.
So, staying on track, as the second half of the year began, my visitation with the littles seemed to diminish unless I played this sick, twisted game with the baby daddy. It was taxing to say the least. The stars also aligned in the sense jobs were popping up, school for nursing seemed a reality, a place of my own was within reach. Then just like that, a few bad decisions, and I was back in a funk that seemed deeper than the last. I could barely get out of bed to work or even do life period. I actually got sick on top of this energy lag. That made things fun, maybe funny is more like it.
I took a hand from the least likely person; of course there were motives behind all hand outs by him. I had to take it in stride and after hearing the options I decided it was time for a fkn reset in life. I needed my mojo back. I needed to find myself again. I was a shell of who I use to be. When I broached the subject with my closet people. They all supported my idea and actually confirmed they had been worried about the last few weeks because I was just not myself.
So, I leaped. I went to rehab for mental health clarity, drinking as a coping mechanism and social use of cocaine. I had done other things earlier in 2020 or 2019, but all of that was squashed and never touched again. I was tired of fighting a fight I felt I couldn’t win, yet at the same time I knew exactly what I had on my side TO win. And with kids “win” is never a good word. But honestly it’s the truth. I need my children in my life. I need an amicable relationship in my life with the person who helped create this little beings.
The last 37 days have been a test. Emotionally taxing. Too much fun for a place where there is addicts of all kinds and mental health issues abounding. And yea, brutal honesty. With myself. A start with my baby daddy. With friends. With the fkn therapist for goodness sake. I felt like a babbling baby, vomiting my soul every time I saw her or my psych. I mean I couldn’t not cry. And ironically all those tears cleansed my soul. It was a released set of secrets, lies, shame, fear, guilt, sadness, joy, growth, spirituality, light and love.
I have a long road a head. I have a solid foundation. I have faith in all I am. I have support. I have new friends who are amazing and living this life of sobriety as well. I have my best friends behind me. I have my family. I have my kids. I am blessed and grateful and stressed and anxious. In the end this Kat will not use life #7... I’ve got too many amazing gifts to share and receive in this life.
About the Creator
Ms. Meowtini Straight-Up
A little bit of drama, babies, love, divorce, friendship, life, rehab and oh so much more... very transparent. Always looking for comments. Unleashing my feelings to better someone else’s soul.
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