When life feels foggy.

I was struggling recently to describe how I was feeling. Internal self reflection and emotional intelligence are two areas of strength for me so not being able to articulate my feelings feels foreign. Now I am the type of girl who listens to music reflective of what I am experiencing. There are people out there who may listen to sad love songs despite being in fulfilling, loving relationships for example; that is not me. Since getting a new car, I have mainly been streaming music through my phone. Aside from my 6-year-old daughter commandeering the playlist, I have picked a soundtrack reflective of how I am feeling day to day, but typically it has varied within weeks or months. The first sign my emotional reader was off involved none of my musical choices seeming quite right. I am not happy enough to listen here. I am not sad enough to listen there. Nothing fit! I switched to XM radio for variety out of frustration and as I was trying to summarize all this to my friend, I saw myself type out telling words: I feel like I am in a hazy fog and cannot see through it. BOOM. Depression!

From the Mayo Clinic: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness and you can’t simply “snap out” of it. Side bar: you do not need to experience all the classic symptoms to have depression. Depression can sneak in by way of constantly feeling tired, irritability, etc. It is not always crying into your pillow.

I have struggled with depression at various stages of my life. Mostly circumstantial versus chemical, my depression in early adulthood would require short term antidepressants, like a bandaid, allowing me to get my shit together and find my way out of the fog. One thing about me is I have a strong distain for medication. Some people pop a pill for anything. On the flip side, I think I associate medication with weakness, something I should be able to overcome on my own. Now I would tell a friend that is utter bullshit. When quarantine hit this Spring, I decided to call my doctor to discuss going back on medication. I was alone, with two small children, in sudden isolation – cut off from family, friends, all resources. My business was headed to the ER without health insurance, my kids were grappling with loss in all aspects of their lives, and I failed. I failed at everything. I at least had the perspective to know what was best for kids was a functional, supportive mother and at that particular snapshot in time, I needed a bandaid.

I am a huge proponent of therapy and mental health work. I have been in therapy in and out throughout my life. I have maintained a long term relationship with my therapist now for the last 10 years and have improved in my life tremendously. At one point my therapist and I were discussing medication and she said being on medication, clearing that fog, would allow me to sort through my thoughts and feelings in a clear way. This statement stuck with me and softened the blow when I restarted my medication this year. My main goal is to not need medication. But medication at times can allow me to actually do the work and ensure my relationships are free of fog – and that is worth it. This “bandaid” is necessary at times to allow something to heal.

With all this knowledge, I must be honest with you: I still hate medication. I have some baggage around it, but I force myself through it for my family’s betterment. A friend told me recently it is helpful when feeling something to identify where you are bringing in your own issues to the situation which may be impacting your vision. She’s right. She’s smart. She’s a therapist!

Long story short, a few days ago I went back up in my dosage of my medication. I had previously decreased my dosage, maybe in an attempt to start to phase off of it, and also for convenience due to how the pills are made. Ahead of this calendar week, I was able to identify I should maybe go back. Today I was able to identify the “side effects” of the dip. Why do I tell you this? Well, there is such a sigma around mental health. Also, people on social media tell me how strong I am every damn day. I am not above mental health, therapy, medication, or a combination of. Being able to identify when you are not able to think clearly is huge. THAT is being strong. Forcing yourself through depression at the detriment to yourself, your kids, your friends, your significant other is not bad; it is human! But just know you can choose again. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It is not a sign of anything. It does not represent or mean anything you or your issues are projecting upon it. It is simply putting a bandaid on a bleeding cut, to help it from getting infected while open; to help stop the bleeding, to not be bleeding all over the side of the road, your clothes, your friends, etc. You get the analogy? Putting a bandaid on your cut allows the skin to heal. Then, yes, when you are safe, you can take the bandaid off, allow some air to get at it, and allow the body to heal.

I suffer from depression from time to time. I suffer from anxiety from time to time. I am able to manage both with a variety of tools from meditation, essential oils, talk therapy (both professionally and with my network of support), grounding practices, and yes, sometimes with medication. Really, does that make me sound week? I didn't think so.