What Makes Us Our Own Harshest Critic?

Everyone has those "little voices inside your head". One is your conscience, which tells you what's right and wrong, according do your own set of beliefs and values. The other one is your inner critic. An inner critic, to me, is supposed to be the voice in your head that helps you make difficult decisions, who gets you through life with logic and reasoning: your inner critic is supposed to be always looking out for YOU. However, when it comes to self-criticism, that is hardly the case. We are much crueler to ourselves and for some reason expect perfection. Perfection is not possible, and it never will be. Instead, we need to accept our inner critic and start to learn how to use this "voice in our heads" for good instead of bad.

I've spent a large portion of my life NOT believing in myself. This was due to a lot of different factors, both internal and extrernal. All of those things together created me, the Anne Marie you see here. My life can get very confusing very often because I am so hard on myself. I've always wondered why, but it doesn't take too much looking back at my life to see how I came to accept that and prevent myself from achieving my goals.

1. Family environment:

I grew up in a family of five, with an older sister and an older brother. There were plenty of times growing up where I felt more isolated, and I often stayed in my room a lot and played. My sister was the first person to really "boss me around", and I figure she felt like it was her duty as the older sister to make sure I knew how to do things right. However, I always felt like it stifled my creativity. My mom would tell her to let me do it or try to figure it out on my own a lot, and I remember appreciating that. I look at things and approach problems in a different way than a lot of people I know. My lonely and confusing childhood where even though I was the youngest, I felt like I was "in the middle" a lot of times because of the family dynamics that were occurring in our home at the time. (fighting, etc). I used to actually listen through my air vent upstairs to try and hear what they were talking about. I would always pick up on some of it, but not all. Regardless, your family environment and where you grew up can play a crucial role in how you criticize yourself.

2. Trauma, Rejections, Mental Health:

Secondly, I believe that experiences of childhood trauma as well as some of the different rejections I've faced in my life have contributed to a harsher self-critic in me. I was always told to be like my sister, because even though my brother was super duper smart, he was bored, and he dropped out of school. I was told at a very young age to act like others instead of being myself. I also very much regret not doing more identity exploring when I was younger. As an adult, when you do therapy and look back at some of these things, you think "wow, how could I have thought that about myself for so long?" That's where the mental health piece comes in. My mental health has been in a rocky place for a long time, despite constant efforts for self-improvement and success. I realized, in part, that I needed to set some boundaries, and that there were, in fact, people in my family that I could not see, because it would be too uncomfortable and would probably start something completely unnecessary. I grew up witnessing a traumatic event in my family as well, which has always made it so much harder for me to bond and really connect with my family.

3. Monkey See, Monkey Do:

When we are young, we learn different social and behavioral patterns and norms from our parents by watching them, and we also get these from our siblings. Being a witness to anything out of the ordinary in the family dynamic will most definitely cause stress. I used to blame myself for things out of my control. I would often be forced to pick sides, so I would try to be like my sister when I talked to her, and try to be like my brother when he talked to me, etc. I also learned some bad self esteem habits from my brother, and he used to tease and criticize me constantly when we were teens. All of these things together made me grow up with a very harsh inner critic, and it is a challenge every day to quiet this monster in my mind...

Helpful Ideas:

There are plenty of other ways that our inner critic impacts us in our lives. I have recently been trying to stop being so harsh on myself, and accept what is. I think that's important for me to do, especially in the times we live in. If you are also struggling with that harsh inner critic, here's a few things I want you to think about during your day today that I think will keep you on the right track:

- Be patient with yourself. Sometimes things don't go as planned, or you just were having a hard time completing something. Don't throw in the towel immediately when you see the chance for potential failure.

- For every thing you criticize yourself about, tell yourself one thing you like about yourself.

- Learn how to be a fair critic of yourself and avoid negative thought patterns.

-Know that nothing anyone past, present, or future, has ever done to you, does not determine the kind of person you are today, so keep dreaming, keep striving for success, and keep pushing through every obstacle standing in your way.