What I’ve Learned Since I Escaped Domestic Violence Twice

(Trigger warning: This article covers the topic of domestic violence. If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799–7233)

I was born in 1986 and grew up in the 90s in rural Onalaska, Washington. Graduated in 2004, had all the potential in the world, but didn’t have the right focus. I could have gone on to be a flight attendant ( I was training to be one) or gone to college after graduation, but I didn’t. Instead, I ended up in a dangerous relationship and then didn’t learn the first time around, and ended up trapped in a worse one. Every person’s journey is different, with a different lesson to learn and then teach to others. I’m here to tell my story to try to save you ( or your loved one) from the personal hell of relearning life.

#1) It doesn’t happen the way you would expect.

In both cases, I should have seen the signs and listened to people’s concerns, but hindsight is always 20/20. The first one, I ended up pregnant at 19, at least I made it out of high school before becoming a statistic, much too young to understand the true consequences of my choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and am thankful to have her. I feel I could have been a better parent, giving birth in my 30s with a great man, but that’s not how that played out. Right after I became pregnant, that's when everything changed, and the biological sperm donor of my child and his family tried to control all my actions. Tried to focus religion on my yet to be born child, tried to control who was able to see me while I delivered. They even tried but failed to make me not have an epidural while giving birth. Once I brought my child home, things got worse. He had anger problems, couldn’t keep a job longer than a couple of weeks, and began to use and sell hard drugs. He once was lying on the couch ( I thought he was sleeping ) and grabbed my hand when I walked by and squeezed it so hard I couldn’t move it for two days. The final straw was when I found bruises all over my daughter’s body when I returned from work. The excuse was that she had interrupted his video game ( She was 2 years old at the time and hungry). The police were called, and I got full custody. He tried to deny the abuse in court, but my photographic evidence and his own slip-up when telling his side proved he was lying. At last, after 2 years, he was gone from our lives, and we had a fresh start until I made the next bad decision.

The second one took much longer to relieve himself ( at least to me). I was with him for 13 years. He is the stereotype of the incel “nice guy” and was so helpful in trying to help me overcome what happened to my daughter and me. He would take me to nice restaurants, and he bought me new tires for my car. He always brought me lunch and energy drinks to work. All these things seemed great, and I thought this was what love was. He was married and sneaking out to see me. People did tell me that, to which he countered the argument that the divorce wasn’t finalized yet. It eventually was finalized, and the custody agreement between his ex and him worked great. We had his daughter ( to her, I was like a stepmom) every other weekend. Sometimes I would hear of arguments between him and his ex, but for the most part, it seemed normal. His dark side started to show; he got angry and unreasonable when he drank. There were multiple holes in the walls that I would try to cover with pictures and posters. It was about 11 years into the relationship that he lost control of his secret life; he was a meth addict and hid it for years. Once he became open about it, he used heavy and then became physically abusive towards me, the first time he punched me in the face when I asked about the meth use. Things were bad for a while, and then the final blow happened. He posted a video on his Instagram of him burning my clothes. He admitted this to the police, and I got a protection order from him for 5 years. When it comes time to renew, I’m pushing for a lifetime one.

#2.) Hard truths and uncomfortable realizations are heavy.

Once you free yourself, a new challenge lies ahead: how to pick up where you left off. In my situation, I was with my last ex for 13 years. During that time, I was isolated from my friends and lonely for many years. Once we moved to Onalaska ( my hometown), I reunited with my childhood best friend while I was on shift at the store I worked at, and I finally had someone to talk to and to help me see that things were not okay. He began to lose control, and I was finally waking up to notice that I had missed out on life. My best friend had a new family and life, to her kids, I was a complete stranger, I missed out on everything from pregnancy announcements, the wedding, the birth of her two youngest, and everything else she’d been up to. These were all things I should have been around for. I was beginning to see that I had nothing to show for the last 13 years besides the basics. I was a great mom and worked hard ( the only 2 things society seems to care about), but after the school day was over, or when I was off work, the only thing my ex and I ever did together was drink. Never did normal fun family camping trips or going to the river just to have a good time, he only wanted to be at the bar or drink at home. He would constantly make comments about my weight, but would ask me to drink with him all the time. I’ve always struggled with being self-conscious. For a couple years, I was purposely destroying my body and didn’t care if I was in shape or not. I would eat an entire Little Caesars pepperoni pizza by myself, but I realized that was not a healthy coping mechanism. I do enjoy looking good and being in shape. I now make it a point to go to the gym and go to the water often to get out of the familiarity of just staying at home. I struggle to find joy in these activities sometimes, but I believe if I stay focused, the light will come.

Once he was gone, I started to get my life together. I stopped drinking, began working out constantly, and educated myself in multiple subjects. I started reaching out to all of my friends I had lost connection with, and I’ve gained new ones, too. This was great, but too late; unfortunately, another one of my best friends lost her life to domestic violence, and that shattered my world and point of view. Every day, I wish I could talk to her just one more time. I had begun doing work in hopes of spreading awareness on this extremely fucked up situation. I was always focused on positivity, and now I can’t unsee blatant red flags that people choose to ignore. The truth is never actually hidden if you just look around and listen to your gut. I sadly know more people who have experienced domestic violence than not. This tells me we need to do more. However, the key lies with us in being honest with ourselves and knowing our worth.

I can recall hearing various “ you have to work hard and be focused or you’ll regret everything” in school, and such I always thought that meant being on the streets or ending up in jail. I didn’t understand that it could also mean that you can become completely lost in life and not know how to push forward. I started my writing career, studying, and working out daily, and have been focused on spiritual growth to improve my life, but I still feel left behind. I turn 40 next year and have all the freedom (which I love so much) in the world, but no idea how to turn it into something meaningful. I now look back and wonder how much better my daughter and I could have been if I were smarter and wiser. I wish I had taken a career path that would have led to a normal life, but that’s not what happened. All I can do now is work harder and focus on achieving my new goals.

#3.) You can do anything once you’re free

The best thing for me is my freedom. I have done a lot in a short amount of time, almost as if I’m making up for lost time. One of the biggest accomplishments for me was that I quit drinking and started going to the gym. I go whenever I feel like sometimes twice a day, also I work out at home on my own schedule. I have lost the beer and pizza gut, my diet has majorly improved, and I can feel and see the results. I do this all for myself. I started going to the doctors and focusing on all areas of my health; thankfully, I’m in good health. I would have never done this before; I wouldn’t have seen the point. For safety reasons, I choose to work out in the women-only section of the gym. It’s very nice and private. I can vibe out to KMK music and truly feel free.

I also began to reeducate myself after realizing I know nothing about life in general besides the close-minded life I had lived with both of my exes. I had opportunities growing up that I didn’t understand at the time and deeply regret not taking. I couldn’t see the bigger picture. All I understood was that you’re supposed to get married and have children, that all people seem to care about where I’m from. Most have children while still being children themselves (my parents were rare and considered old when they had me when they were both 34), and wonder why the cycle continues. But what else is there, a lot it turns out, and now with the freedom to do what I please, the sky is the limit. I read about 1–2 books a week on many different subjects. Although this one is a rarity, I discovered that I can write left-handed much better than my right hand, which was what I thought was my dominant hand. I started taking classes in psychology and writing.

I always wanted to do more with my life than work a pointless retail job that doesn’t move forward, but I was expected to settle for whatever job was offered to me first because of money. That was both of my exes’ outlook on life; it never mattered if I was happy. All that ever mattered to either one of them was cars and drugs, and with the last one also always had to have money for a bottle. Now that they are not in my life, I decided that it was time to pursue my happiness and make my dreams happen. No doubt I work hard, and it will take a long time to get where I’m going. I have gone much farther than I could have ever imagined. Currently, I am working on Angel of Rainbow, a domestic violence awareness agency geared to help those who are not heard. I have a petition on change.org/dainaraslaw to mandate last name changes for domestic violence murder victims. I have many more plans to add to Angel of Rainbow work and hope to help as many as I can. While doing all of this, I am also working hard on my writing career, which has led me to this article.

You too can be free of everything that is holding you back; you just have to take the first step. Self-reflection is the hardest part in seeing the truth. Make safe plans and reach out to your loved ones; they’re waiting for you to come back. The harsh reality is that only you can save yourself, but once you’re ready, you can find the light to guide you back to happiness.

First step, silence equals violence. If you or someone you know is going through domestic violence, please reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource for help. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799–7233. Don’t hesitate to reach for help. There are multiple agencies out there that are more than willing to help. The next step is education and awareness; the more we know what to look for, the more we can do to prevent domestic violence. Teach healthy relationships and interactions to children, as they will pick up what they see. Most of all, trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not; safety is more important. Take time to heal and learn from the past. Follow dvawarenessnow on Instagram to learn more about domestic violence.