What and What Not To Say When Your Friend Tells You They're Struggling

"I'm not okay," a dear friend said to me over the phone, "and I don't know how to say it."

These weren't words that I was surprised to hear, but I wasn't entirely prepared for them, either. They're likely words that you have heard or will hear at some point. We'd like to think we know how we'll respond...but do we?

I'm a graduate of the studies of social work, sociology, and psychology. The mind is a confoundingly infinite and indescribably beautiful organism, and scientists have spent the past few hundred years (and will spend the next few hundred years) studying its depths, limits, abilities, and capabilities. That being said, if I were to make the claim that I were an expert on any of the three, it would take decades of endless study of all three fields, parallel with equal practice, and the admittance at the end of my days that I were no expert.

Having studied human behavior and mental development, however, I have studied and practiced working in the realms of mental health. It's important to make a couple of distinctions when determining how to be what your friend, who is hurting, needs you to be. First, mental health and mental illness have been equaled in society - this couldn't be further from reality. In terms of health, the brain is just like the body; mental health is simply the state of your brain's health, and mental illness occurs when the brain is, quite literally, illed or ailed by something. (This is a legitimate "something" which would be a certain condiction, malfunction, or diagnoses, but we won't get into that today.)

The second distinction lies in your relationship with your friend. No matter how close you may or may not be, it's critical to remember that your relationship is just that: friendship. You are not their therapist. Likewise, if/when your friend tells you that they are struggling, they don't expect you to advise or treat them. That's not your job. (Rest easy; I'm not giving you a crash course in counseling!)

So, remember these two factors when your friend expresses that they're hurting, and remember what not to say when they tell you.

1. "What do you mean? You seem fine!" This seems like stating the obvious, but sometimes (more often than we may admit), we say the first thing that comes to mind. If this runs through your thoughts, that's okay - just don't say it. By telling them how they seem or have appeared in your recent interactions, you disqualify how they're feeling in reality and are shutting down their vulnerability.

2. "But you're not in bed all day." When we imagine the negative stereotypes of mental illness, the first to come to mind is a person in bed. In reality, this would be a relatively accurate side effect of chronic depression. There are several factors at play there, but the point is this: 9/10 times, mental illness does not involve being unable to get out of bed.

3. "Maybe it's just your hormones/emotions." (For females: "Are you on your period?") Mental ailments and emotions are actually not the same thing. Emotions are fleeting and circumstantial, but if your friend tells you something this personal, they've more than likely been battling it for quite some time. By "diagnosing" the matter as hormonal or emotional, your friend won't come to you on a bad day or answer honestly when you ask how they're doing; they don't want a diagnosis or explanation for how they are doing or feeling.

4. "Is that why you haven't been responding to my messages lately?" Actually, yes, it may very well be. Whether this is asked with no harm intended or you're still a bit irked that they didn't respond to your last text, asking this question will ALWAYS come across as an offensive inquiry, and your friend's instinct will be to go on the defensive. (And, it may lead them to not respond to that text, ever.)

These are just a few examples of what not to say and why you shouldn't say them, but what do you say instead? Remember, this is your friend; your relationship hasn't changed if they've spoken one sentence indicating that they're struggling or that they're not okay. The only change that occurs in your friendship at this moment is that there needs to be a significant increase in empathy. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another (not to be confused with sympathy: feeling sorry for someone). This doesn't mean you have to make yourself feel whatever your friend is feeling; this simply means placing yourself in a position of understanding whatever they do or don't share with you as best you can. Here are some ways you can let them know that what they're sharing matters to you.

1. "Thank you for telling me." This may seem an odd first response, but this is actually a great way to express your appreciation of not just them, but their trust in you. This is a big deal for them, so the fact that they're opening up to tell you something close to the chest - or in this case, the mind - should indicate to you that they trust you. To thank them for being open with you is acknowledging their trust, which silently affirms to them that you are trustworthy and safe with what they're battling. You could continue this with something like, "I know it's not easy to share, but I want you to know that you're safe to share with me."

2. "I'm here, ready to listen." Mental health needs are different for everyone, and your friend may not know exactly what they need or want depending on what they're struggling with. But one thing they certainly need is to know that you're there for them and willing to listen and be present for them. (They may not share, but letting them know is enough and is a great way to serve them, even if they don't need you to "do" anything.) Let them know your ringer is always on for them, and if they want to talk face to face, clear an hour or two for however you spend time together.

3. "My feelings won't be hurt if you can't get around to a reply text. May I call you to check on you if I don't hear back from you after a few days?" Sometimes, responding to a text may be too much. It's not that your friend is angry with you or trying to ignore you, but if they haven't responded and they share this, it indicates that they get tired easier and quicker than they used to, and something like replying to a message could be too much mental activity some days. By saying this, you're giving them their space and letting them know that you care about them and want to make sure they're safe.

When your friend informs you that they're battling something, it's imperative to reaffirm your friendship and trust with each other by making your friendship a safer place for them. These are ways that you can let your friend know that you care about what they're struggling with. They aren't a cure-all; the road of mental health isn't an easy one for those who are struggling. However, the road won't be as jagged if they trust you're walking alongside them for the journey.