Was It A Breakdown Or A Breakthrough?

One year after my divorce, I went back with my husband, the father of my two children. He was sober and I always thought we would be happy together if he could quit drinking and using drugs.

At the same time, I was going to a women's group to work on my childhood abuse issues. It was perfect timing actually as he could be available for our children. I quickly realized that we had grown too far apart in our time away from each other to ever make it work.

He wanted more children and my last baby weighed 10 pounds, six ounces and I couldn't imagine birthing any more children. He was loving and caring with me and our children though. As the days went by I knew we wouldn't be together long. He was newly sober and I could tell he wanted to drink.

When I decided the women's group wasn't helping our chances, I stopped going. It didn't make a difference. So as we talked about another separation, he said he had to ask me something. And he said, "Muffie wants to know if you would be okay with her and I dating?"

What... I was losing my husband, the father of my children. A man I had grown up with, and now my best friend from grade school and high school. Did this mean they had already been seeing each other was my first thought! She wanted to let me in on it? Because it was the right thing?

Or was it her guilt that wouldn't allow her to continue her tryst without my blessing? I felt betrayed, and I no longer had the support of the women's group. I packed my kids up and went to my mother's. I couldn't do this alone.

After a day of crying, my mother suggested, "Maybe you are having a nervous breakdown and should go to the hospital!" My recovering friends said when I told two of them what my mother said and cried some more, "No, you aren't having a breakdown as I know what that looks like."

"You are having a breakthrough!" One recommended a treatment program she had gone to in another state. They got me in and drove me there. My employer gave me the month off of work that I needed and I was on my way. My insurance paid for it.

The program was across the parking lot from a hospital and instead of staying in the treatment center, I stayed in the hospital. Now I am concerned that my mother may be right. Every day I would dress and walk over to the treatment center. In the evenings, I would go back to the hospital.

I did that for 30 days. That was exactly the care I needed during that time. While taking a walk on the track outside of the treatment center one day a woman from group approached me. She said, "How come you don't like me? Is it because I am gay?"

I smiled and said that no, I have never in my life disliked anyone that is two-spirit. In my culture, it is believed that two-spirit people are special people and that it is a gift to be two-spirited.

Then I told her that she reminded me of my best friend from high school, who had started a relationship with my ex-husband. We talked some more and her next words to me had me laughing. She said, "Next time you think of them together, think of him with me or your friend as two-spirit."

It was funny and it did help for some odd reason.

Because of my experience there in treatment, when people complain about going to treatment, I always think I would trade places with them. It is time for just you, I say. You worry a bit about your children being without you, but mine were staying with my mother and had visits with their dad.

When I went to treatment I had four years in recovery from alcohol and drugs and had been working an eating disorder program. The program I attended was a combination of substance abuse and eating disorder programs.

It felt like the perfect place for me, as I had never been in treatment prior. My counselor worked a family and friends program for herself and was not either addicted to alcohol, drugs, or a recovering eating disorder person.

That knowledge would be important for me too, especially later when there was controversy over whether someone could counsel substance abuse people without a substance abuse problem. She was an excellent counselor for me and others. All of the counselors in that program were great.

When I left there it was clear to me that I got exactly what I needed. My friends who dropped me off, picked me up.

Even though I knew it was not a good idea to get involved with another person in treatment, my relationship with my second husband started there. It was a reunion of former treatment participants that had an alumni gathering. He sang and played guitar for the group.

He was living in recovery. He agreed to come to tell his recovery story in the town I was living in. I didn't know we would end up living together and then married for ten years, raising our children together. Our relationship ended when he was no longer living in recovery.

When in treatment I grieved my dad dying on my tenth birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday all month long which I continue to do now in my 70s.

Then I realized I had already grieved my marriage. He was there to give me a break while I did some important abuse work on myself to be a better mother for our children. It needed to be done. My grieving was for my childhood friend. Her being with my husband felt like such a betrayal.

Since I was in recovery, we were not spending the time together we had in the past. I had other friends, sober friends, friends that were working in a family program, having come from alcoholic families. She didn't have that alcoholic family background.

I realized I used her when growing up as I didn't have a curfew, but being with her I had a curfew as her parents insisted we be in by a certain time on school nights and on weekends. I realized I was setting up my childhood safety measures through her family, and hanging out with her.

I left treatment with grieving accomplished and forgiveness. Forgiving my dad for leaving me when I was so young, and forgiving my friend. It isn't up to me to decide who will love whom.

I learned life has its ups and downs and that experience meant that I would never have to go back to my ex-husband again. I lost 25 pounds that needed to go, and I came away with more tools for a good solid recovery and a happy, joyous, and free life.