Waiting for MAID or a drastic change

My decision to seek medical assistance in dying (MAID) is not one that I made hastily or lightly. It has been years of trying to fix myself, but I only seem to be getting worse. This is something that I do not want, but I feel needs to be done. Unless something can drastically change for the better from now until 2023, I do not see a great future for myself. It is one of loneliness and health struggles. My quality of life is only declining. I will still give life a chance until then, however doing this over 30 years now and it only hurts more. I do not see change happening.

Where do I start? I really have no idea. My mind is in a constant state of a jumble mess. Thinking of stuff that happened yesterday, last year, when I was a child, all at once. Stuff from a decade ago. It is a never-ending carousel of memories that I cannot seem to let go. They just haunt me and make me scared for the future of what could happen.

It is not like I have not tried to. I really have. I have been in and out of counselling. I have a psychiatrist and take medication. I try to focus on things that make me happy, like doing cooking videos, going for walks in nature, watching wrestling, doing Muay Thai, seeing friends, etc. However, nothing seems to be working. I have even attempted newer treatments in the use of magic mushrooms. It just will not stop.

I am difficult to love, I know this. I have no idea what to do to make myself someone to stick around for. My father was gone even before I was born, and my mother treated me as more of a burden than something to be grateful about having. My sister hated my existence and spent most of her time reminding me how incorrect I am. My brother just used me as an easy target to take is aggression out on me physically, though my mother and sister had been sporadically physical as well.

I was an easy target to take frustrations out on. Almost a decade younger than my sister, I was an added nuisance that talked too much and challenged those I felt were in the wrong. People do not like to be told they are wrong, especially from someone they view as inferior. Of course, I was inferior to them. I was the bastard mistake my mother made because neither her nor my father thought to use any form of birth control. My existence is hated because I am not supposed to exist.

I feel and think so intensely it can sometimes hurt, especially when it is negative ideas in my head. When it is happiness or love, it can be so intoxicating people cannot get enough. Unfortunately, with that they must also feel the other side to that. I can often become depressed and sad, as I can become unwell easily. This mostly occurs around my menstruating period, where leading up my mood and emotions can greatly shift. Other illness also popup frequently that can shift everything from good to bad. This can also lead to me becoming easy to anger, which is a scary sight indeed. I try to control it, but nope, it’s too strong for me.

I cannot say though that I am not intense outside of that timeframe. Even before I started menstruating, well before puberty, I had intense emotions and feelings. From as young as I can remember, I have always had anxiety. When I was 4 years old, I had a panic attack in the middle of a grocery store. I remember being taken outside to calm down. At the age of 10, that was my first attempt at suicide. I took a pair of scissors and tried to slice my wrists. If it was not for my cat, Wikit, coming in and wanting attention, I may have gone through with it.

However, it has gotten increasingly worse since puberty and over the years. Dealing with terrible periods, heavy blood flows, having to take time off school and work, ovarian cysts, hospital visits, etc. Over the years it was constantly dismissed as just bad period issues. Well now my hip and glute are in constant pain and feeling is starting to cut off on the left leg. The latest is now that I most likely have Endometriosis and it has grown to be possibly pushing on nerves, causing the pain. It would explain the burning feeling occurring as well. I am not waiting for a CT scan and specialist to confirm.

As it turns out as well, last year I was diagnosed with autism. This explains why everything is that much more intense for me. While having autism itself is not a terrible thing, when it is not properly supported and taken care of, it can manifest into something uncontrollable. Reactions to the environment alone can be harsh.

The main issue I have is that I complained over the years to multiple people, both family and medical professionals, about the exact symptoms of both autism and Endometriosis. I mostly had to research on the internet and shove the information in people’s faces. Now I have an official diagnosis of one and looking at getting the diagnosis of the other. They all dismissed me as exaggerating and attention seeking. Now I am at the point where I feel like I have lost my mind and have no control over my body.

The truth is, I do not want to die. I am actually afraid of death. I would stay up all night thinking about death and could not get to sleep. I obsessively would talk about it, asking questions that would drive everyone nuts. So, this decision I am making is not about wanting to die, it is about not wanting to live like this anymore.

Seeing the people who have traumatized me over the years have a loving support system around them, it is difficult for me. When I am alone and struggling to get attention from people. Desperate for anyone to love me. Desperate for someone to hold me and make me feel safe. I do not have this. I am alone, in a cockroach infested apartment building, surrounded by an unsafe neighbourhood where people break into the building or even attack you when outside. I cannot afford to move because the cost of living has gone up so high and I stupidly thought getting student loans to get an education was going to help me. It has only added more stress to my life. Worst investment ever.

I will write more regarding my journey to this point in my life. I do have until March 17, 2023 before I am eligible for MAID. Until then, I shall write and share my story. How I got here and maybe how it is going. Maybe something at some point will change and death does not have to be my way out of this turmoil. It is doubtful, when even the very few I have in my life understand the steps I am taking. Of course they do not want me to, but they know if they lived my life, they might be attempting the same.

All I know is, I can no longer live in this tormented life of mine. A life filled with angry outbursts from autistic meltdowns, because I never received the support to manage such things. A life filled with physical pain from my uterus and being born with bilateral clubfoot, already developing arthritis. A life not filled with love and someone to be there for me. Someone to hold me. Someone to make it safe and secure. I cannot do this for myself and I am no longer in a state where I can find someone for me.