Unwell 3

I thought

178871

Was a cute palindrome

Until I saw

The numbers in the center

Imagine if it were “148841”

00

These license plate combinations are on cars owned by people who seem to want to cause me harm and/or force the stress of the situation to kill me from the inside out.

(A/N: 10/31/23 3:45 PM: THEY’RE SPRAYING A POOL CLEANER/CHLROINE MIXTURE ON MY BACKYARD AND PORCH AND PLANTS AND SEEM TO BE WANTING TO FUCK WITH ME AND MY FAMILY ON PURPOSE. THERE’S A CAR WITH “HH” IN THEIR LICENSE PLATES PARKED IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE..)

00

Sometimes I think, as my therapist and Mom have suggested, that maybe the folks with these combinations in their license plates don't know what they mean. Maybe the combinations are there as a coincidence and I need to chill out because no one is trying to come after me. Nobody is watching me, stalking me or mean me any harm and all of this is me stepping into the psychosis that was always latent inside me. I am just, and only, “crazy”.

00

So, I started to record the plates: when I saw them, about where I was and what it seems like they were meaning to say. A rudimentary translation, if y’all will. From how I’ve noticed it, I don’t believe I'm not "just and only crazy"; most people seem to have a strong inclination to see danger in front of them and walk head first into it, in denial of the danger, somewhat oblivious of the outcome of it and, yet, also, highly prepared to get mad when things don’t go their right way (At least that’s the notion I’ve gotten from the parts of “The Gift of Fear” I was able to listen to as an audiobook). As though “it's just life and sometimes in life, things are going to want to cause you harm and you have to learn to steel yourself against it. Walk through the flames and force yourself to come out all right!”.

00

I did that. To the best of my ability, I tried to follow the advice of so many to a tee, even, forcing myself to smile through the pain and to stand up for myself as often as I could. I “faked it ‘til I made it”, but I never even got to “make it”. There's a lot of factors as to why I didn't “make it” (undiagnosed illnesses, family issues, money, etc.), but one of them seems to have been a backlash from the people around me who seemed to be mad and defensive at the fact that this specific black woman was walking around like the Queen of Sheba. They seemed to want to know what my recipe for success was. They seem to have hastened the weathering of my body by endlessly and daily triggering me, going out of their way to make me feel as uncomfortable and unwanted as possible. They have isolated me, ostracized me, and seem to be stalking me, pushing me further into a depression that I was already trying to recover from.

00

If you ask these people, the ones with the dogwhistles in their license plates, the people who seem to want to stand and stare in my line of direction, the managers and employees of stores who “keep an eye on me” inside and outside of the store or the random people in my community who seem to rush out onto their porches or sidewalks when I pass by, they'll say they A) have 0 idea of who I am, which is such bullshit obfuscation, in my opinion, because, in the last week alone, folks have followed me around stores and positioned themselves in places to "keep an eye on me" BECAUSE it is me or B) I was a quiet, taller-than-most-of-the-men black woman with a stern face and that made them (car honk) feel a type of ways. I remember when I came here in the Winter of 2017, I was deeply depressed having tried to take my own life after not being able to pass my classes in University (story as old as time, amirite?) and shaved my head to have a fresh start and these people didn't like me then. The women were jealous and iced me out of their groups and the men were perverts who constantly, flagrantly and unabashedly stared at my ass and chest, undressing me with their eyes; one of them who I constantly caught doing it had even been licking his lips before he saw me glaring at him. Then he just turned away, acting like he hadn't done it and waited for me to look away long enough so he could do it again. He still works there and is protected by the women who still ice me out.

00

According to my woman superior at the time, because they never put their hands on me or said anything explicitly sexual, it doesn't count as sexual harassment. I think the logic would go, and it certainly felt like, "You're mad because men were looking at you?! So now men can't even LOOK at a woman without being called a pervert?! Stop being so sensitive, snowflake!" The women don't like me and side with the men, so I’ve been dealing with this antagonistic energy for years. It's expanded from just occurring in my town to happening all over New England. To be honest, this was already happening at University, but I was in denial about it; I still thought it was only my fault and if I could reconfigure myself in one way or another, folks would warm up to me and accept me. If I proved that I could take the punches and roll with them, they would like me. I was wrong. They never liked me, don't like me now and seemingly have gathered everyone they know to cause me harm.

00

Okay, maybe not EVERYONE they know and maybe not EVERY SINGLE PERSON is like this, I’m being a bit hyperbolic here, but it's enough people that I can't go anywhere (can't even sit in my own house?) without someone seemingly meaning to trigger me with something they do or have on them. Like men who double back or drive slow in their cars so they can see me walking (often from behind), people with these dog whistles in their license plates or the (train horns) and (car honks) that I only ever seem to hear in order for them to let me know that, somehow, I'm always being watched, listened to and followed.

00

So, after going to a supermarket earlier this year, going in and out of it twice and seeing a license plate that was written as (I'm going to try to censor some of the lettering since I don't know the laws on this; is it illegal to post someone else's license plate on the internet?) “_88*KYS” (distant train toot) on the third time out, I chose to, if I couldn't do anything else, try my best to keep track of these “messages” in license plates. So, here's a glimpse of them. I can only give y'all a glimpse because if I gave anymore, we'd be here for a while.

Let's start with all the plates that have “KYS” in them and the other plates that I would also see on the days when I would see them.

What I find interesting about this phrase, “KYS”, is that, pre-2021, maybe, most people who knew what it meant would read it as "Kill YourSelf". I've heard (and seen) anecdotes from creators of people in their livestream chats, comment sections or private messages typing this out to them. Now, if you look it up on Urbandictionary, people are trying to say it means "Keep Yourself Safe". Sure, it could mean both, but my first introduction to it was as the first definition: KYS meaning “Kill Yourself”.

Never in my life did I imagine that I would see this phrase outside of the context of the internet and never did I think people would find a way to weaponize it. That's what I think is happening, anyway; people weaponizing harmful language in covert ways to trigger people, further weathering and crazymaking them (because I know I'm not the only one this is happening to) which will lead to either ostracism from their community, forced hospitalization, imprisonment and/or death.

1/16/23

At NY Supermarket, in the parking lot

KK_*_88_ ("KK?" like an anagram, to me, and has always looked one letter off from "KKK"; “88” is the other dog whistle)

KWK*88__ ("KWK/KLK" combination is dual, both being one letter off from "KKK" and having extra messages; "KWK", phonetically, like “Quick” [to say they’re faster than me?], and "KLK", phonetically, like “Click” [to say they see me taking pictures of their license plates?], with “88”, again)

_88*KYS (“88”, again, with "KYS", whose combination I see as the earlier usage of it, "Kill YourSelf")

4/16/23

KLM*____ (anagram like "BLM" means "Black Lives Matter", but the "K" insinuates [through my biased interpretation?] "Klan Lives Matter?)

KYS*8___ (I'll now stop noting the duplicates, leaving the plates open to interpretation)

6/16/23

Walking family dog

HHV*___, passed me ("HH" could be alternative to “88’ as they mean the same thing)

BH___55, parked ("BH" meaning "Blood and Honor" and "55" [which is harder to prove and more of a hypothesis considering the frequency in which I see the anagrams], which looks like “SS”, meaning “Schutzstaffel”; “55” on its own is minor but to be in combination with “BH” leads me to wonder on the validity of my hypothesis)

3:11 PM

AU_88__, passed me ("AU" means Australia? Maybe? I've heard stores play "Down Under" blasting from a store's speakers while a car with that is their plates passed me; I may (or may not) have history with people from the country but, other than that [engine revs], I have no idea what it could mean or if it’s even significant to the more insidious dogwhistles) (Augmented Reality?)

(A/N: 10/31/2023 4 PM: they’re still spraying the pool cleaner/chlorine bleach mixture on our rooves and lawns and homes. Is this legal?)

(A/N: 10/31/23 5 PM: They stopped about 20 minutes or so ago. Geez. No warning, some people had their windows open, I don't know anymore)

KLK____ passes in shoulder lane, followed by KLK____ with “Thin Blue Line” decal and then KYL____ ("KYL" phonetically like “Kill”?)

Time unknown, parked

_____88 passed then u-turned back in my direction

KK__14_, parked car in front of mine with man who has "88" in shirt (car honk, 2x) (context of the situation being what it was, "14" in the plates anagram for "14 words"?) (Originally, I tried to ignore the license plate and see it as a coincidence, but then the man who owned the vehicle came out with the “88” on his shirt and I saw it as too much [engine revs] of a coincidence to just be on accident)

3:58 PM, driving again

___8848, parked ("884" I think is an anagram for "1488" [e.g., I’ve also seen "488", "8814" and "188" in license plates)

4 PM, driving

BH_____, passed

4:05 pm, driving

HA___88, ("HA" like “Ha Ha”?)

KKE____, parked on street (one letter off from antisemitic slur and anagram for “KKK”?)

4:10 pm, driving

KZH___ (biblical [train horn] [train toot] [train horn] [train horn] anagram name of classmate who could've given me a concussion after slamming my head into a heating pole [?] in our school's multipurpose cafeteria/gymnasium/theater/dancehall; I was on a floor scooter and, despite having been being bullied by my classmates for several years, held out hope, trusted this girl, [train horn] put on a blindfold while on the scooter [because that’s what she had done previously], got my head smashed up against the heating pole, my glasses bent, my face swollen and tried my best to walk out without crying. Is it too much to say that she was a Black girl like me? Is that too much information? Is it a bad representation of Black Sisterhood? Why and how does me acknowledging that some of my first bullies were other Black people paint me and us in a bad light? Partially, I don’t see this as a “Black” issue. I see this a “schools-don’t-follow-they’re-“zero-tolerance-for-bullying”” issue. The Black community in the U.S. is a reflection of U.S.A culture, right? Well, just like other U.S. communities of varied races and ethnicities that push their children into suicide by ignoring the bullying and harassment in front of them, we in the U.S. Black diaspora also have that problem and I can attest to it. U.S. born Black people aren’t inherently more likely to bully people than an other group in this country and I really feel like it’s important for me to acknowledge and process this)

___488_

KWT45__ ("KWT" phonetically like “Quit” and anagram “45” for 45th president?)

4:23 PM

KKL____

___884_

KKM____

KYS____

5:30 PM

____388

FAP and then KEK (internet slang anagrams: "FAP" has something to do with masturbation and "KEK" means "LOL". In license plates, the acronyms seem so out of place? "What are YOU doing here? THAT is supposed to stay online" vibes)

KKS____

5:50 PM

KWT____

KWT____

FAM___ (I think it’s "We wuz kangz" [pretty much mocking AAVE] anagrams in license plates; e.g. "KUH", "KUZ" and “FAM” in plates could be interpreted as AAVE variations of "Cuh" or "Cuz" for "Cousin" and “Fam” meaning “Family”)

___488_

____488

KMS____("KMS" means "Kill MySelf" so, perhaps, reverse psychology? Implant the message and crazy make one for acknowledging the trigger to this combination in a license plate? "You're being too sensitive, it doesn’t mean anything; just random letters in a random combination")

KKR__88

“_88YES” then car with “GERMANY” (A/N: 10/31/2023: Saw recently before posting this) in plates in front of it (one car parked in front of another on a street I accidentally turned down, overshooting the street I meant to turn down trying to avoid people with license plates like these in the first place)

BH_____

BH311__ ("311" means "KKK"; so does "336")

6:38 PM

BH45___ next to car with Ukrainian trident decal next to BH_____ (three cars in a row)

____311

____884

__488__

7/21/23

1:30 PM

BH88___ (Would y’all like me to translate what this plate combination in particular could mean? Because this one seems fairly explicit; how interesting it is to see license plates with three dogwhistle angrams) (distant train horn)

3:30 PM

BH488__

LAG____ (Internet/Gamer lingo for "slow"?) (engine revs)

3:58 PM

____527 (my birthdate; "27" and anagrams of my full birthday [and other personal information] seem to be being used in license plates alongside the other dog whistles)

___88__

K11____ ("K11" in a license plate looks to me like a covert version of "Kill"; like “KLL”, which I’ve also seen in license plates)

4:20 PM

KYL__88 (phonetic "Kill" and "88" together in one license plate combination seems like an obvious enough dog whistle to maybe make one want to take a double take?)

KMS___

KZR____ (anagram name of another child from the school where the girl I thought was my friend almost gave me a concussion; he was a gossip and an instigator. Alongside the girl, I’ve never said either of their names publicly and yet I’ve been seeing them in license plates much more frequently in the last year or so)

6:35 PM

KYS____, passed me on the road

7:21 PM

KUX____ (anagram of "Ku Klux Klan"? "KUX" is the "KLUX" without the L? I have seen “KLN” and “KUX” near each other in parking lots before) (Do we need to see “KU” , “KLX” and “KLN” parked next to each other in a row in a parking lot before we consider this an issue?)

(train horns) (train toots)

(A/N: I've tried editing this on my phone and either the platform or the browser wouldn’t allow me to save it, twice.

10/14/23, doing some late night writing before bed and I had to have completed a portion of the license plates and added train horns happening around me interspersed with my editing specific license plate combinations. I was interrupted and, not thinking I would be long, got up and forgot to save this file. My computer restarted and now I'm back at square 1. My mistake for not saving before I got up; technology is so fickle)

7/24/23 (distant train horn)

(A/N: How come I never, if hardly ever, hear these train horns intermittently throughout the day? You’d think that if it’s just a “coincidence”, I’d hear train horns day and night, all the time, when, in fact, as I’ve been “tuned in” to paying attention to the sound of them, I hardly ever hear them in the usual way I’ve been accustomed to. It’s eerie in that way)

7 PM

HH_27__

KYS____

___FAP

KLM_____

7:16 PM

KUH____

88____

7:41 PM

___88__ then _____88 passed, then I came down my street

8:24 PM

___527_

__88___

(train toots)

Driving

BK311__ followed me, with BH_____ behind them (“BK” could be innocuous or mean “Burger King” [or the other definition that Urbandictionary says it means, which I didn’t know until writing this part] but I’ve known it, for a while now, to be shorthand for “Brooklyn”, which is where I was born)

(train horns going wild)

9:01 PM

__488___

KSR____ (possible variation of “KZR”?)

7/28/23

3:15 PM

____88_

___RPE (One letter off from a few words; “Rope”, “Ripe”, “Rape”)

KYL____

__88__

KKX____

____188

BB___55 , with ____55_ in front

___88__

LAG____ behind ____527 in lane next to mine

HH_27__

___55

_____55 (in front of me)

_____55

KWT____

KVH____ behind EDN____ (I’ve seen “KVH” before but ignored it until I saw it in this situation. “KVH” like “Klanhovah”? “EDN” like “Eden”?)

__88___

___311_

KLM____

HUH____ (“HUH” like “Huh? What do you mean?” Also have seen “AH”, like “Ah! That’s what you meant!”)

KSS____ (One letter off from “Kiss” [car honk])

HH_____ behind HUH____

KUX____

HMU____ (shorthand for “Hit Me Up”. It’s a juxtaposition, really, to see license plates with “88” or “KUT” in them and then ones like this or “KSS”; and I added it because, if y’all saw this on a license plate, y’all would understand what it’s “saying” because y’all know the phrase)

HH_____

4:11 PM

EVL55__ (looks like “EVIL” without the “I”; so, “Evil 55” = “Evil SS”?)

KYS____, as I'm sitting in the car about to leave, drives past me

KZN____

KYV____ (It looks like one letter off from “Kyiv”? Like Ukraine?)

KYC____ (like KLM or KSA, some other type of dog whistle language; anagram for “Klan York City”?)

___88__

___8884

KZH_88_

____488

KAG____ (Current lingo used by 45 supporters, “Keep America Great”)

~6 PM

AW__55_ (parked in front of me) (Mocking me like, “Aww, poor baby”?)

6:35 PM

___8855

884___

8/5/23

3:04 PM

HH__88_

KUH____ (Thin blue/red line decal on truck window)

____88_

3:17 PM

KZN____, passed

3:25 PM

KSA____ (anagram for “Klan States of America”?)

3:32 PM

RIZZ_ behind ___311_ (“Rizz” I believe is shorthand for “Charisma”; like the “HMU”, “FAP” or “KEK” in license plates, if you know what the phrase means and you see it on cars in the streets, it’s a bit uncanny valley)

3:38 PM

KYS_27_ passed (“27” is my birthdate and my current age and “KYS”; perhaps the folks with these license plates mean to tell me to kill myself and, to make sure that I know the message is for me, they include “27”? Much like the plates with my birthday I’ve been seeing?)

KKE____ (one letter off from an antisemitic slur and one letter off from KKK?)

3:48 PM

KLM____ (engine revving in the distance)

____HH, pulled up

___8814

6 PM

U88NVR (Tongue in cheek? Like “88? Never!”) (train toot)

8/19/23

5:57 PM

KYS____ (old melanated couple)

(A/N: In the instances I take note of the details of the people in the car with these license plates, it’s not to put them on blast, but because I feel like it might add to the larger discussion of the situation I find myself in; people seem to be rather content with being ignorant of the ongoings of the world around them and the harms they inadvertently cause to others and I can’t tell if it’s a generational thing or a mentality thing [or something I’m not even considering])

6:42 PM

KYS____

7:08 PM

HH_____

KYS____

LAG____

9/5/23

10:29 AM

KLA____, parked next to me after I went into store when there were plenty of other spots to park at (Like the “KUX” combination in plates, this could be another shorthand of “Ku Klux Klan”? Not many English words seem to start with “Kla-”)

10:33 AM

____1488

11:39 AM

____311

12:22 PM, driving

KMS____ on one side and KYS____ on the other

(A/N: If I remember correctly, I was driving with my Mom and, as these cars began to pass us on either side, holding in my opinions because my Mom has seemed tired of hearing me talk about this for a while now and I think she was on the phone, I thought to myself “HOW TF IS THIS A “COINCIDENCE”?! There’s a dogwhistle ON BOTH SIDES OF US AT THIS EXACT MOMENT AS WE’RE DRIVING?!” It cannot be overstated that the chronic stress of being triggered like this while being forced to deny it by the people in my immediate life and outside of it is weathering my body in a way that almost feels disabling; these back, shoulder, stomach, hip and feet pangs of pain and general pain aren’t occurring in a vacuum)

9/23/23

10:37 AM

KYS____

BONUS:

9/28/23

1:49 PM

___1337 (internet slang)

___KM5

2:12 PM

___88_

____88_

9:08 PM

____88_

9/30/23

7:55 PM (car honk)

driving, playing “Everyday Struggle” by The Notorious B.I.G. with windows rolled down;

TBH IDC, pulls in front of me

10/7/23

(train horn)

7:30 PM

(train horn)

BH___88

(train horns to the rhythm of "shave and a haircut, two bits”) (train toots)

10/13/23

6:30 PM

BH1_88_

10/17/23

9:28 PM

BH527__ (train toots)

10/23/23

6:20 PM, in parking lot

___KGB (like Russia’s KGB?)

____88_

BH_____

10/29/23

I have a delivery gig job I sometimes do and I am and have been being stalked and terrorized for several years now, with the license plates and decals and without. This one store that I went to is actually the store where I first documented the “88KYS” for this writing; interesting how things come back full circle. I didn’t see “KYS” but, other events happened and I saw license plates that put me on edge. I did yoga this morning to stretch and prepare my body, meditated, took a shower, took some PB&Js for quick snacks throughout the day with my coffee, I had headphones for music, even brought a stress ball and, still, I found myself overwhelmed.

Morning

___NLM immediately parked next to me as I came to complete my first order of the day (“No Lives Matter” anagram?)

Leaving the store, a Tesla followed me to the exit and then u-turned back around; I haven’t always said when the make and models of cars, but one that I notice seemingly pestering me a lot is these Teslas. Is it because I unfollowed Elon on the site formerly known as Twitter or something? But even when I followed him, like with being in the fandoms of many famous white men, I found myself being pestered by Teslas, with the dogwhistles in their plates or not; like, driving and being boxed in all around by the cars. This is why, despite not seeing the license plate combination of the car, that maneuvering gave me caution enough to note it. Like a “..and don’t come back!”

KUT____ ( "KUT" meaning "CUT" like “Cut myself”? Variation of “KMS” or “KYS”, like “Cut myself dead”? Or “Get cut”, like cutting or stabbing me?)

1 PM

___527_

KLX____

___HH_

___55__ next to KZR____

3:15 PM

Several plates with “KYC” in them (A/N: 10/29/23: I tried to ignore this combination at first but the several I saw this day had me change my mind and decide to include this one here and for 7/28/23)

KLK____

HH____

3:30 PM

___88__

4 PM

_HH____

6:50 PM

KSS88* (parked?)

KLK____

“Stand with Black Women” tshirt; I saw you and you saw me but I was nervous that, like so many “Other Black Girls” in my life have made me feel, that there was an asterisk at the end of it. That after the phrase there was a “but…” that excludes me? But if you meant it for me, like the black girl with beautiful 4c hair that complimented my sweater, thank you immensely. I also saw the other black girls and women with mini twists and their 4c hair; I adore type 4 hair and especially my multitextured 4c and 4c.

7 PM

(I’m assuming these 2, like too many others that stalk me, wanted to be acknowledged) Leaving this store for my delivery, two cars positioned themselves in front of me; so, it’s two cars in a row in front of me that read as:

HH*488 next to HH*488 (two cars with “HH” and a variation of “1488” in their license plates in front of me and y’all want me to see it as a coincidence) (the larger the dogwhistle the easier it is to track it down and easier to know my general location? Or easier for someone to complain about me talking about it?)

This isn't everything; even in what I've written down here, there's details, events that occurred at the same time as I was seeing these plates that I didn't add because, once again, we'd be here for a while and I'm kind of debating internally which details to leave in and which ones to take out. Why? Fear of the backlash from talking about this in the first place. (10/31/2023 4:37 PM: Bleach on my flowers and baby lemon trees?) What if someone tries to sue or fight me because I wrote a description of what they looked like in here, their dogwhistley license plate and folks who already have an estimation of where I'm at put two and two together?

My fear is always that my therapist and Mom are right and people don’t know what these license plates mean and, yet, are weaponizing them against me because they see it disturbs me so much; as though they’re trying to manufacture or reverse engineer an “incident” in order to justify causing me harm. It seems to me like reactive abuse, which I colloquially call “Poking the bear”/”I’m not touching you” abuse, where people, like a school [or work] bully, will be microaggressive towards you in order to trigger you, feign ignorance and innocence when you call them out, turning you into the harm causer, and leave you feeling crazymade

~11 times there is “KYS”

~44 times there is “88”, 7 of which have another dog whistle alongside them in the license plate

~13 times there is “BH”

Did y’all see 8/19/23 where I had seen “KYS” three times in one day? Or 9/5/23 where, in addition to “KYS” and “KMS” I also saw “1488” in a license plate? All in one day yet folks want to perceive that as a “coincidence”; what’s coincidental about it? From my perspective, it seems like people would much rather like to believe that if I just kept my head down, I wouldn’t notice these license plates and it wouldn’t bother me as much. But, how am I going to drive if I don’t pay attention to the cars in front of and around me? It doesn’t feel as “simple” as some people perceive it to be to ignore something that is in your face all the time; have I mentioned that my neighbors also have these dogwhistles in their license plates and the first thing I see when I wake up or take our family dog for a walk (engine revving) is often one of these dogwhistles? I feel the need to write and publish about this not merely because my therapist recommended it but because I’m genuinely unsure what to do. In some of the articles in one of the Unwell writings I did, others also talked about these dogwhistles in license plates, reported it to the DMV in their state and got little to no response besides something along the lines of “We’re very serious about our jobs and wouldn’t let something as harmful as that slip under our radars”. So, even if I did report this to the DMV or the ADL or some other acronym organization, I don’t think anyone is going to take it seriously because it’s not an “issue”, per se.

I don’t know if it’s because I was looking at license plates that said “KYS” over and over again while editing this and still dealing with what I perceive as stalking and crazymaking, but I don’t feel in a very good headpasce after this. Events of the world at the current moment don’t help either but I feel it’s been due to my possible agoraphobia getting worse while my insomnia has been kicking my ass. I may not post again soon, but expect the unexpected. I want to live my life like this isn’t happening but it’s very obvious, to me at least, that it is and it makes my brain feel too scrambled to function. I remember trying to calculate how much of my headspace was taken up by this stuff and, as long as I kept it under a certain capacity, I ‘d be fine. But it’s gone well over that capacity. It’s taking up more than ½ of my headspace. Here’s me trying to alleviate some of the pressure building up in my head and the rest of my body.

By the way, the cover photo has a license plate that has “488” in it which I interpret as a variation of “1488”; I hope I could talk about how deep this goes because it’s more than just the license plates. Despite all the big talk we speak, it’s a large oversight on our part.