UNTIL YOU FAIL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FAILURE FEELS LIKE

I always thought I knew what failure was like and maybe I always did because this isn’t the first time I failed at something but then somehow this one seems more worst than the previous ones, it seems like each time I fail at something it’s always more complicated than the previous failures.

I think I’ve learnt lessons from my failures, the thing is that I try to apply that experience but then yet to no avail, it changes nothing, the thing is at the beginning I usually feel like I’ve learnt from my past mistake but then just as I start to think like that everything starts to backfire and everything happening starts to make me feel like the universe is against my progress.

Putting that aside, what even makes it more annoying is that I do more horribly worse than the last time, and that gutter feeling eats me up inside.

Each time I try to do something, every time I try to make a decision that at least I think could help my life a bit something always pops up, and it feels like the world saying you’re up to no good, and at that point I then start to think of how much of a failure I am, I try to convince myself that I’m not but the truth is that I actually am, the quiet and reserved kid who everyone thinks is actually cool but then they don’t know the shit he has to deal with, he spends everyday of his life thinking of a way to make things work out for him, but then at the same time realizes that the universe seems to almost always be against him trying to do something good with your life.

The thing is I act as if my friends who took other parts in life(you know those parts which makes them look like bad eggs) don’t intimidate me, the thing is they do and each time I fail I start to wish I was doing the same thing they do, some of them even think that’s what I do, but they don’t know that’s not it, most people think I’m well to do but the truth is I’m not, I’m like every other young person struggling out there but the difference with me is that I’m obsessed with wanting to succeed at everything I do, not so I can show off but just to prove to myself that I can make good use of my life and to also prove to my parents that all this while that their son has been quiet and distant is because he was trying to put his life together piece by piece and succeeded.

But then since I think a lot a certain thought just pops up in my head and tells me that maybe it’s not yet time, or maybe this shitty period I’m going through is to make me stronger than ever, I mean I’m still 18 but I believe that there’s no right time to start anything, I don’t really know how many years I’m going to live for just like every other human being out there which is why I take everything I do as a big deal, especially my failure and it sucks because I still haven’t made myself believe that I can make a difference.

In the end I really hope I do, and I hope that this shitty period is preparing me for the best moments of my life because I can’t lie right now I’m feeling like there’s a hole in my heart, and there’s only one thing that can heal it, and it’s not any human being in the world, at times I do honestly feel like this is a punishment from God and maybe it is, for all the times I acted as if there’s no superior being either ways I do pray and hope he forgives me.

Sometimes I do wonder how people who never experienced real failure live life because damn I feel so useless right now.