Two

THE HELPER: Caring and Interpersonal. Demonstrative, generous - people-pleasing and possessive

You need me, right? Surely that wasn’t a lie I conjured from my own imagination. I can see it in your eyes. You need help just as much as everyone else in this world. So please, rely on me. It’s okay. I’m here for you and always will be. Please, understand that there is no reason to shy away like that. You’re beautiful. You’re incredible. You’re valued. You’re everything. I’ll love every piece of you. Every single crevice. I promise. It won’t be hard. You’re everything to me. Once you believe that I mean those words sincerely, there won’t be anything left to fear.

So, tell me what’s wrong. I’m so worried about you after all. You look tired. I can’t bear the thought of you not getting enough rest. Have you been stressed lately? Did someone hurt you? Have you eaten recently? Please, tell me what it is that you need. I’ll offer help in any way, any form, that I can. You can lean on my shoulder if you want to. You can hold my hand if you need to. You can even cry in my arms if that’s what it’ll take to get you through this. It’s okay. It’s okay if you can’t find the words. It’s okay if you need more time. Before anything else, we’ll fix you. I promise. You are what matters most. Before everything else, I’ll love you first and foremost.

So why are you looking at me like that? Something is wrong I can tell. Please, tell me what it is that is bothering you exactly. I’m good at things like this. You can rely on me. I promised you, didn’t I? Please, I can’t take this anymore. Your pain is my pain. No, that’s not quite right. Your happiness is my happiness. I’d rather think like that, because we will make it through this together. I swear it. As a personal policy, I’ll even refuse any recompense. You don’t need to think about such frivolous things. I did this for you, not me. …right?

Deep down, I believed that I could be considered one of the most devoted of philanthropists for your sake alone. I even regarded that ideal as a noble privilege. I would wear that badge of honor with the greatest level of respect and sincerity. I knew better than you did how gladly I devoted myself to your cause. So why? Why? Why did you stand there in pain and call me a martyr instead? I didn’t get it. Where was the defining line that you drew on your own? Actually, don’t you think that calculating my losses like that was incredibly arbitrary of you? I am not doing anything wrong. How could placing you above me be considered wrong? You needed my help, and who am I to deny you of it? I could never. If I died for your cause, then wouldn’t that only be a greater testament to my love?

No, no I don’t want to talk about myself. Please. Such trivial things aren’t important. I would be much more comfortable focusing on you. No, no let’s not measure my scars. I have long since given up on them remedying. I find it more healing to mend yours instead. No, please stop looking at me like that. Please, please, let’s focus on you. It’s so much easier to love your mind then to try and figure out mine. No wait, the heart is much more important than the head. But I don’t understand that either, so let’s just love yours instead. Please, you are worth so much more than what I’ve become. I’m begging. I desperately want to master helping you because I can’t for the life of me figure out how to help myself. I forgot how to count costs. I don’t even want to anymore. I don’t feel the need to. I don’t feel the need to change who I am. So what if I’m a martyr? So what if you are the meaning of my existence? That’s not a hard reality for me to admit. There is no wrong in that. I’m living the golden rule as truly as any other. I’ll give and give till I give up. I’ll emphatically offer you every single infinitesimal piece of me until it’s all entirely yours. Surely, you will love me then. You’ll have to. So please, I just want to love you, and love you, and love you, and love you until I can somehow learn to love myself.

So please trust me when I say that it’s okay. You are - first and foremost - what’s important. Always. Please, rely on me. Please, let me lend you my shoulder. Please, let me hold your hand. Please, let me be the one that you need. Please, I’m begging, love me as well.