Trying to Take a Left Off the Roundabout

I won't keep anyone long.

An introductory post that may never be followed up on.

I'm not in a great place. I can't see many opportunities in my future, that excite me at any rate. My romantic relationship is far from ideal. No kids and mostly estranged from my family. I have so few friends I can't volunteer. I've witnessed corruption in the worst way - repeated institutional failures and no, I'm not a conspiracy nut! Just shit luck and a defiant, diogenic personality that's not exactly helped me or anybody else much.

Mostly, I can't get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Vengeance and not a because my feelings were once hurt kind of way, but in a this shit hurts a lot of people and the war chest of colonialism, industrialism and Western liberal hegemony should be better spent than this.

I'm not a bad person, I don't think. I'm an angry person and I hate myself for that - does that make me bad? I was diagnosed with C-PTSD; for context, I'm in my early thirties and I've been pretty badly affected by this cluster of symptoms, to the point of not being able to work as an adult. I also have other issues which are sadly a common, co-morbid occurrence -- I was diagnosed with dyspraxia at university, not that it helped me much, and previously diagnosed with Asperger's as a teenager. I believe I also suffer from body dysmorphia and premenstrual dysphoria disorder. My relationship with healthcare professionals is far from okay at this point, mostly owing to neglected physical health (my body is pretty broken!).

So, how do I get a new start and get off this awful, cynical, masochistic roundabout of self-sabotage and hatred? Can I ever do anything good if I'm a friendless, probably doomed to be childless, woman approaching middle age who has never held down a proper job? Maintain a friendship? Talk to someone on the phone?

I know you'll say 'talk to mental health professionals', but my access to mental health care is limited to state provision, in my case, the NHS. I can't be bothered to invite 'hate' for my feelings towards it at this point, but they're pretty negative. I'm all up for socialised medicine but it needs to be rethought, particularly concerning whistleblowing and public transparency. In terms of my care, I have been let down on numerous occasions, including every attempt at triaging by a mental health nurse where an assessment has been completed leading to being assigned the wrong care for my situation. I have tried to be open about the feelings above. They demand I either accept care in my home (I can't, for various reasons) or attend a hospital that is far away. When I have attended, they've cancelled the appointment, only to find a replacement again, blaming me for then leaving after feeling messed around. They have done little for me, but would love unfettered gratitude for being saints battling the spectre of mental health crises but, in all honesty, pursuing mental health care in that way has just left me feeling like a worthless human being. Ironically, I'm quite good at it which is why I figure I'm still here.

I hope I do come back. Suicidal ideation, for me, has become more rational than irrational - at least firmly, after years, rationalised in my brain. I'd like to take part in the Vocal challenges, maybe I could make some friends here, or more ideas of how to make more friends in real life, particularly people who can be more supportive and reciprocal than the few I have now (it's not their fault - they've largely had a worse life than me!). Like I said, I'm not bad, just someone who's fallen through the cracks, has some issues and not a lot of support in the real world.

For the five people who ever read this and care: got any ideas on how to start making some money, finding some real independence and enjoying life again?