Trauma Changes Us

Have you ever felt like you were drowning?

Like you were lost in an unknown world, the cold pressing down on you, beating you, pushing you, with death spreading down your throat and into your burning lungs?

It’s hard to explain. When you are at your bottom, in your darkest place, it can sometimes feel just like that. It feels impossible to swim up to the surface, to catch your breath, to cough out the liquid death inside of you. It feels impossible to move. Yet, your brain is screaming for air. It is screaming for life.

I lived in that place for a long time. It is hard to admit that. It is hard to be so vulnerable and admit something that made me feel so terribly and completely alone. It is hard to admit to something that made me feel worthless.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t actually alone. My Mom, Dad, and Grandmother were all there. They were there fighting for me in their own, unique, ways. But, back then, I couldn’t see that. It just felt like everyone wanted me to be their version of fine. It felt like they didn’t – no, like they couldn’t – understand what I was going through. I felt lost and as the few friends I did have faded from my life this only served as confirmation that I really wasn’t good enough. That this depression, this beast, eating me up was who I was now, and I didn’t deserve the love or the life that I had before.

That beast took control. It ruled my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions. It determined my self-imposed idea of self-worth. I was worth nothing. Nothing mattered because it would only all fall apart in the end anyways. Yet, my heart would scream. I wanted things! I wanted my life back! But, I didn’t feel like I deserved it.

People who haven’t been through a severe bout of depression have a really hard time understanding it. People would tell me, “Just get over it”, “Stop thinking about it and it will all get better”, “Don’t you know you’re throwing your life away”, “So many people have it way worse than you do.”

I knew all of that, but that’s not what someone needs to hear when they are suffering. When simply the act of getting out of bed in the morning and going out to the living room took everything they had. These small things are the things to be celebrated, not compared against how well others are doing.

I could list all of the things that brought on my depression, but the truth is that they don’t really matter. What matters is that I felt so forgotten, so separated from my real self, that I couldn’t see a way out.

I’d like to say that there is a magic cure. But therapy and medicine did little to help me. It just seemed to keep me afloat, just enough that I could semi-function in society. If I’m painfully honest, the one thing that was holding me back was me.

I was the one stopping myself from having everything that I wanted.

We all go through struggles and overcome them in our own unique ways. For me, no matter how many people were there for me I still felt alone. For me, no matter how much therapy I went to I still only felt like they were just looking down at me. For me, it was only myself that was stopping me from being happy.

One day, and I can’t remember what I was doing or where I was anymore, but something clicked in my head. I decided that I wanted a different life. This wasn’t an instant fix, of course. But, all of a sudden, it felt like I could swim. It felt like I could finally move my arms and at least begin to push for the surface.

I decided I wanted more. I decided I wanted my happiness back. I realized that I would never be who I was before, but that wasn’t a bad thing. I had to mourn who I used to be, before I could learn to embrace this new version of myself and love myself for who I was now.

With each day that passed, with each small moment of progress, I could finally start to see the sun shining through the rocky waves that had been holding me captive. When I finally broke the surface and took that first, deep, breath of fresh air I felt like a new person – because I was.

Trauma changes us.

But it doesn’t have to be for the worst. We can grow. We can embrace who we are now and use our experiences to help others who are in pain. We can be even more amazing than we ever thought that we could be. All it takes is that first step, the most difficult step, to decide that we want to get better.

I am proud of who I am today. I can still feel that monster tugging at my strings, but I continue to fight. I don’t win every day, but I win most of the time. It is an eternal struggle, but not one that I let determine my happiness anymore. I am choosing my path forward in life. My trauma may have shaped me, but I won’t let it define my future. I am a creature of my own making, made more beautiful by the scars of the battles that I have won.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, please reach out. I know that you feel alone. I know it feels like the waves are crashing down upon you and like you’ll never see the sun again. But it can get better slowly and with work. Sometimes, just knowing that and having someone to listen to you with true empathy can make all the difference.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline: 1-877-726-4727