Tragedy, Tribulations, and Finding Peace Within Myself

Greetings, Vocal readers. Before I begin, I want to say thanks to the wonderful team on Vocal for selecting my story as on of the Top Stories of May. I'll have a link to that story down below if you would like to read it. For this story, I want to be open and honest about, and in detail, about my devastating lows and numerous suicide attempts. It's an uncomfortable topic to discuss, but I believe by being transparent about what I've gone through mentally, it might encourage someone to seek professional help. In my previous stories on Vocal, I've been frank about my mental health struggles. We should have difficult, yet necessary conversations about mental health. It will show that people are honest and genuine about their feelings. In fact, we should normalize being open about our struggles, not have it suppressed. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in February 2012, but had been experiencing those feelings since I was 19.

This timeline of events may be difficult for some of you to hear, but I feel like it's my duty to share these specific details.

October 2017: After almost five years working at an office, I was laid off. The news was devastating and crushed me. I loved that job and the work was rewarding. The reality was I had to look for other employment. For the next several weeks, I was looking for a job. The following month was my 30th birthday and I attended a convention in North Little Rock later on that week. Even though I had a great time, when I returned home, I continued with my job search and eventually got a job at a call center. However, I didn't stay at that job for long as one night would have a huge impact on my life.

February 2018: At my call center job I worked at the time, I worked six days a week (Monday through Saturday). I rarely had a Saturday off and it took a toll on me mentally. The hours I worked were decent and so was the pay, but on one February night before one of my shifts concluded, I had a mental breakdown. I worked 11 hours that day and after my shift was over, I went home and made the decision not to return to that job. That job was too much for me to handle and a lack of a day off was the determining factor in my decision.

March 2018: I was determined to seek employment once again. However, the second time didn't go in my favor. Despite my best efforts of doing exactly that, I was evicted from my apartment. For the first time in my life, I was homeless and on my own.

April-October 2018: During the spring and entire summer months, it was just me, my stuff, and the clothes on my back. I would be outside of my local Walmart about 90 to 95 percent of the time. Random people and a few of my friends would buy me food, personal hygiene items, clothes, and pay for a motel room for the night. I appreciated and was thankful for those kind gestures. You must be wondering why I just didn't go to a homeless shelter. I wasn't comfortable in being at a place full of strangers I didn't know, because I never knew what their true intentions were. Plus, I didn't trust anyone. You can't put your trust in everyone and my male intuition was correct. I expressed on social media that I wanted to take my own life since no one cared about or loved me anymore. I thought of ways of ending my life, such as jumping off a bridge or taking a bunch of pills. I was so concerned about my future and wondered if life was worth living. This was my first failed suicide attempt. My cosplay friends and followers, especially my aunt, on social media were very concerned about my well-being. It was a good thing that they were, because they knew that I was too smart of a man to do the unthinkable and had so much to live for. Mental health at the time was a topic that was still stigmatized. I didn't want my friends or other people in my life to know about my mental health struggles, fearing that they would perceive me as crazy or unstable. I denied that I had a problem for years, but that summer, I made a brave decision to seek professional help and see a therapist. It felt good to share my honest feelings to another person, something that I was unable to do growing up. As many of my Vocal readers and subscribers know, I grew up in an abusive and toxic household with parents who didn't love me enough. Them being emotionally unavailable led me to become more distant from others. Good things were about to come my way. I accepted a new job and moved in with a roommate.

2020-2021 (The Covid-19 Pandemic): I attended a convention in late February and early March 2020, before the global pandemic took over and changed our lives forever. Months into the pandemic, cons were either cancelled altogether or postponed. I've sinced moved into my own apartment and a new town to be closer to my job. Millions of us were isolated from our friends and loved ones. We couldn't celebrate major holidays, attend events with them, and so on. This was going to be our new normal, which I refused to adapt to...at first. I experienced periods of loneliness and sadness, which led me to more suicide attempts over a period of several months. I contemplated which knife in my kitchen was the sharpest one to cut myself with. Stayng positive in difficult times was always a challenge for me. I shared my struggles in a video on TikTok in 2021 and people were very sympathetic and understanding towards me. This was the very first time I had ever told anyone about what I've really gone through. Since then, I talk about my mental health struggles and be open about them.

Now in 2025: I have a bit of a positive outlook in life. I retired from cosplay in October 2024 after 10 amazing years, to preserve my mental well-being. Don't get me wrong. I loved cosplay and going to conventions. I'll always be grateful of the friends I made online and in person. Also, I'll always appreciate the memories I've made with my friends and others. I'm now focusing more on my writing, which I'm doing right now. I've been writing for Vocal since 2018 and I'm beyond grateful for my readers, subscribers, and the entire Vocal team who has supported me. While I seek new hobbies and experiences, I'm focusing on the simple things in life. Being thankful and grateful for the things and people I have are important to me. I lost my dear grandfather in 2022, to whom I was very close with. If he were here with me right now, he would encourage me to live my life to the fullest. Besides, you and I have one life so live it in the best way possible.

After everything I've gone through, I thank one person who has been there by my side all along and that is God. His unconditional love for me is everlasting and I give him credit for keeping me alive. One final note: give thanks to everything, especially the people in your life. Your life is not over, and I wish you nothing but the best in life. It may be hard, but you can persevere and overcome many obstacles. Finally, be kind to yourself, because better days are coming.

If you or anyone is suffering or struggling with mental health problems and need emotional support, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by texting 988.

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