Toxic Empathy or Toxic Apathy?

How do you respond when people around you are suffering?

Most of us tend toward one of two extremes: Toxic Apathy or Toxic Empathy. We either ignore other people's pain or we drown in it. Both of these approaches are destructive to us and ironically, do nothing to help the suffering person either.

Let’s take a closer look at both responses:

TOXIC APATHY:

You ignore the suffering of others from a safe distance. You hope to avoid the pain and inconvenience of getting too close. Rather than contemplate their anguish, you whitewash it by convincing yourself that

1) they deserve their pain

2) their pain isn’t that bad

3) their pain doesn’t really matter

4) you’re better off uninvolved

5) you don’t owe them anything.

You stay so focused on your own circumstances that you can’t see the pain they carry. The only problems you consider are your own. You create and maintain a blind spot to avoid thinking about their pain because it’s hurtful, maddening, worrisome, or annoying. That way their suffering can’t touch you. Sadly, in this state, you feel little need to intervene or offer support. You are incapable of fulfilling any roll you are meant to play in their story.

People in pain who sense this response in you often believe their suffering is insignificant or that they are a problem or a burden. They feel alone in their pain. They believe their pain is so big that no one can help them. They believe they don’t matter.

TOXIC EMPATHY:

You absorb the suffering of others and drawn in it. There is no distance between you and their pain. They are imprisoned by their pain, and you lock yourself in with them. You believe you are their savior and that unless you say or do the right thing, they will never be okay. You absorb their pain and become defined by it. You soak up their misery, their doubts, and their fears. You stop walking in your own story and become a character in theirs. You can’t feel your own happiness because you cease to exist. All of your emotions are a result of what is happening to them. There is no escape from your worry or your unceasing attempts to help stop their suffering. Nothing else really matters. They hijack your purpose because you believe you are keeping them going and they won’t survive without you. You think anything less means abandoning them to their cruel fate.

People in pain who sense this response in you believe their problems are so big that they pull others in like gravity, and since others can’t escape it, they can’t either. They believe they aren’t capable of handling things on their own since you do everything for them. They feel guilty for ruining your life and your happiness.

It does no good to avoid the pain of others or to drown in it. Both extremes are equally toxic to ourselves as well as the people who are hurting.

So how do we figure out what a healthy response toward suffering people looks like?

Some of us stick to either Toxic Apathy or Toxic Empathy and implement it across the board in all of our relationships. Some of us chose to implement one extreme or the other, depending on who is in pain or what our relationship with them is like. When we are angry with someone or don’t really know them, it’s easier to move toward toxic apathy. When we are worried about someone or feel responsible for them, it’s easier to move toward toxic empathy.

If both extremes are unhealthy, what’s the middle ground?

Finding balance means figuring out what responsibility we do and do not have in responding to another person's pain.

It's healthy to step in and help when another person is struggling under the weight of something impossibly heavy. It's NOT healthy to step in and help when another person is struggling to take care of something that is a general, day-to-day responsibility of life. If we refuse to help when someone is staggering under the pain of a trial too heavy to carry alone, we are wrong. If we are helping someone do something difficult and painful that is their responsibility, we are wrong.

In order to have healthy responses, we also need to avoid the tunnel vision created by each toxic extreme. If we focus entirely on the pain of others, we won't see our own. If we focus entirely on our own pain, we won't see theirs. We need to see everyone's pain, and how circumstances effect everyone involved, in order to respond appropriately to difficulties.

I struggled with toxic empathy for most of my life.

I felt the need to step in and protect the people I loved from everything painful, whether or not it was a result of their own doing or something that they needed to take responsibility for. It took me a long time to be able to step back and see the WHOLE PICTURE…not just that person’s pain. It took me a long time to not feel guilty when I failed to make another person happy or solve their problems.

I learned to ask these questions to help me figure out whether the person I loved really needed my help:

1) Is your pain a result of your own choices or were you a victim of unjust, overwhelming circumstances?

2) Are there things that you need to do to make the pain go away that you are avoiding?

3) Is my involvement wanted by you, or am I just assuming you need my involvement?

4) Is my help making you stronger, or is it weakening you further by enabling you to remain in a passive victim role?

5) Am I able to see how your pain affects everyone around you, not just you?

6) Is the help I’m giving you damaging me?

7) Can I see you whole and healed and free from this pain some day, or am I too locked into your despair to offer you hope?

8) Am I protecting myself by avoiding your pain?

After much practice and much failure, I’ve gotten better at seeing pain and responding like this:

“I see your pain, and it matters to me. But I also see your responsibilities in this situation, and I won’t take over something that is your job because I see you as a powerful and capable person. Your suffering is great, but so is your capability. I will make appropriate sacrifices to help you carry your burdens, but I will also take care of myself so that I have the strength to endure with you. I care deeply for you, but I will also fulfill my other God-given roles. I won’t let myself become a prisoner of your pain because I need to walk free in order to model what it looks like to be free. I need to exercise hope in order to remind you of what hope looks like. I will watch you grow as the struggle makes you stronger, but I will catch you when you stumble. Your pain matters to me, but it isn’t my whole world. It shouldn’t be yours either.”

The Bottom Line:

We all need to remember to exercise compassion for others who are struggling, but we shouldn't get locked into their suffering and let it define us. We can walk the tightrope between toxic apathy and toxic empathy so we can respond in a way that brings relief and growth to ourselves and others.