Brainwashed? I Doubt It

One over-used and abused word I keep seeing all over social media is BRAINWASHED.

Basically, everyone with an opinion is accused of trying to brainwash everyone who disagrees with that opinion. The list of perpetrators include school leaders, pastors, political figures, feminists, the CDC, business owners, the rich, old white men....the list goes on and on.

Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of over-bearing, malicious people on both sides of every issue who love to impose their viewpoints on others. They aren't nice about it, either.

Manipulation is common, but it's rare that a person is actually brainwashed. The Oxford Language Dictionary defines BRAINWASH as "to make someone adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure." True brainwashing is rare. It occurs in places like cults and concentration camps.

I'll be honest. I've been in situations and relationships where I was hurt and manipulated and didn't see a way out. I could claim that I was brainwashed, but in reality, I wasn't being held captive. At any moment I could have escaped poor treatment instead of responding like a victim. But I didn't. I bent myself into a pretzel to become what others wanted. I became blind to my value and lost my voice. I let other people dictate my day-to-day functions and feelings. And so, the break-down of my personal truth, my self-esteem, and my will occurred.

That was sad, but none of it was brainwashing. I succumbed to the pressure to conform. I participated in the madness. I relinquished my ability to think and choose for myself.

At the end of the day, I am responsible for my choices, my behaviors, and what I choose to believe. If narcissistic abusers, political figures, church leaders, teachers, experts, or other authority figures try to substitute their judgment for mine, they won't succeed unless I agree to participate in that process. Even if I lived in a country where a cruel dictator controlled resources and punished those who didn't follow their policies blindly, I could still think and believe what I chose.

Thoughts and beliefs are independent constructs. They form and flourish in the minds of individuals, and mind control is not a power that even the most cruel manipulator possesses. Adults in normal circumstances cannot be brainwashed without their consent and cooperation.

Even in most cults, adults make a decision at some point to join, and they choose not to walk away when abuse and control become apparent. It's important that we take personal responsibility for our part in forming, protecting, and altering our beliefs instead of giving away that power to others or trying to silence all input that threatens our current ways of thinking.

Basically everything could be called "indoctrination" by someone who disagrees with it.

This is a set-up for polarizing, hate-filled conversations, which is basically what's happening on social media right now. Atheists fear that church goers will indoctrinate their children into believing God exists. Church goers fear that atheists will indoctrinate their children into believing God doesn't exist. Conservatives fear Evolution and Sex-Ed will brainwash school kids into godless beliefs and behavior. Liberals fear public prayer and displays of faith will brainwash school kids into evangelicalism. Democrats worry that Republicans will coerce people into persecuting minorities. Republicans worry that Democrats will coerce people into forfeiting civil liberties.

You get the picture.

We must stop seeing every expression of opposing views as "brainwashing." If we define brainwashing simply as "people trying to convince others of something they assume is true," then, by definition, teaching that 2+2 = 4 would qualify as brainwashing.

Most of us are hell-bent on believing it's our way or the highway, so we think and do whatever is right in our own eyes. We have little respect or tolerance for anything that looks or sounds different. As a result, we...

1. Exist in a state of massive distrust and judgment of others

2. Remain unwilling to admit when we're wrong

3. Demonize different viewpoints

4. Label people who think differently "bad", "stupid", "the enemy"

5. Embrace cancel culture and censor speech when we find it distasteful

Adults can't be brainwashed by someone else's tweets, facebook posts, sermons, political speeches, or various forms of misinformation. Being exposed to different people's ideas and beliefs, even offensive ones, is not going to cause brainwashing. If we decide to change our fundamental thinking or beliefs to appease someone else, our own indecisiveness and lack of self-confidence is to blame, not the other person's attempts to control.

Notice that I've been using the word "adult" a lot in my preceding comments. Adults typically have the ability to recognize and avoid manipulation. It's a whole different story when it comes to children or people with mental or emotional deficiencies.

Children are at a much higher risk of being coerced or negatively influenced because they are still highly dependent upon adults for survival. They have not developed the ability to think critically, question authority, set boundaries, exercise independence, and speak up for themselves. They lack the life skills and relationship skills needed to avoid being indoctrinated.

That's why I think it's important that we protect young children from being exposed to conversations, behaviors, and influences that will be harmful to their development until they have the maturity and self-awareness to think critically and recognize when they are being deceived or coerced. Children need role modeling and guidance to successfully navigate a world full of confusion, contradictory opinions and lifestyles.

When they are old enough to think critically, it helps them to have open, honest, fearless conversations with safe adults about the people they meet, movies they watch, things the pastor said, and how their friends act. During these conversations, children learn how to:

1. Evaluate different opinions and statements to decide if they are true

2. Disagree respectfully while maintaining their point of view

3. Recognize when they are being coerced or manipulated

4. Consider (and respond appropriately to) challenges of their beliefs

5. Revise their position on issues when needed

Ironically, we often try to protect ourselves and our children from being brainwashed by embracing the same tactics used by brainwashers. We can't effectively protect people from brainwashing by shutting them off from the world, making them feel bad about what they believe, or strong-arming them into seeing it our way. Isolation, guilt, and control are indoctrination tactics, so obviously they won't work as a strategy for avoiding indoctrination.

Telling people what to believe only fosters rebellion and decreases their own discernment. If we want to help people develop healthy, authentic, firmly-held beliefs, we must allow them to wrestle with the issues armed with self awareness, compassion, and a firm grip on all the relevant information.

Freedom, open communication, self-awareness, and desire to understand are not the enemy...they are the tools which help to carve out strong personal convictions. Generally speaking, freedom is a good thing when it comes to people figuring out what they believe and why. If we empower people to think for themselves, know their worth, speak up, and question everything, we don't have to worry about them being the target of someone else's attempts to indoctrinate.

Rather than silence crazy speakers (which is impossible) we need to focus on cultivating discernment and healthy responses in ourselves and those in our care. Certain skills inoculate people against having their mind and will broken by another:

1. Critical thinking and questioning

2. Ability to recognize and respond appropriately to gaslighting, manipulation, and deception

3. Self-esteem and self-respect

4. Healthy boundary-setting

5. Desire for personal freedom and independence

6. Ability to speak personal truth

The more a person struggles with unhealthy dependence on others, self-hatred, shame, and need for approval, the more susceptible they are to being controlled or indoctrinated. We can work on those things. Overcoming them is how we find freedom. Crying "brainwashed" every time someone speaks a message we don't want to hear keeps us in a victim mentality.

Rather than avoid or attack everyone who thinks and behaves differently, we need to learn to see ourselves as responsible adults who are capable of choosing what we believe and what we participate in. We need to grow up in the areas of telling people no, setting appropriate limits, owning our truth, and speaking out. We need to leave people-pleasing and judging behind and become people who are open, kind, interactive, and comfortable in our own skin.

Instead of trying to silence people whose thoughts and behaviors we find disturbing, or trying to change everyone's opinions to match our own, we need to calmly settle into our personal truth, protect ourselves when needed, speak out when it's called for, and change our viewpoints if necessary.

We aren't powerless, passive prisoners of other people's beliefs. We can hang up, speak up, block an account, get another job, or choose a different church.

We are FREE to consider something or walk away.

We are FREE to participate or decline.

We are FREE to hold our ground or relinquish.

Let's become the kind of people who become stronger in the face of adversity and allow differences of opinions to strengthen and hone our perspectives. If we fear conflict, let's grow in courage. If we are people pleasers, let's learn to speak our truth. If we need to be right, let's learn humility and listen.

Our reaction to the polarity and divisiveness around us need not be "putting them in their place" or "avoiding conflict at any cost." It can be to let the discomfort push us toward personal growth.