They Don't Understand

They Don't Understand

Gabreil Chilson

07-17-2020

*Trigger Warning and Strong Meaning *

*Mental Illness*

People can love you and not understand you at all. And that is awful. Truly awful. You may rather have someone who hates you because they do not understand. That would be easier. It's frustrating to know that they care but yet can't seem to grasp even a single thing that's going on inside our heads. They want what's best for you but they can't understand that we are trying our best. There is nothing more that we can do and just their recognition for our small victories and efforts would provide clarity and happiness. Somehow they still don't understand that. They talk, they advise, they push you thinking they are helping us. Yet in the world of us, they have just pushed us over the edge of the active volcano. Of which we have been tottering for so long. After we have broke open and exploded they will get mad. "I do a lot of things for you, you are not responsible, you are lazy, you can do better, you this- you that." They know nothing of the war we fight within our own minds. A war which we can not see the end of, as if this is how life is. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no finish line to get closer to, no victory to look forward to. We are fighting in an endless black abyss and each battle threatens to end it all.

They don't understand what it's like to try so hard at something so simple and fail, time and time again. They don't understand that we know, we know what we are supposed to do and that we are not doing it. They don't understand the dread every morning that we face when we think about the tasks that lie ahead of us that day. It may only be one thing to complete. "Finish cleaning, go to work, read or study, take a shower, get dressed, do the everyday chores, see a friend, go to an appointment" Things that could all be done in a day to them, for us we celebrate completing one each day. They don't understand the guilt or anxiety of only taking time for yourself and not doing anything for a short time. They don't understand that these things take away what little energy we had left. They don't understand what it's like to be tired all the time, with or without sleep. They don't understand how nice a happy moment is to us when it comes so easy to them. They don't understand that we are on a see-saw of emotions. We are happy at the top but the top comes down and hits hard. They don't understand how we hide it all with a smile, even to the point where they don't notice it at all.

They don't understand why we can't talk instead of breaking apart. Why we turn our backs and rather fake our feelings then show the truth behind our eyes. It makes us arrogant and rude but we are only trying to protect ourselves. We know it all too well, we have been down this road before. We start with anger. We shake and twitch. They don't understand how our bodies can move in such a way without our consent. Our eyes no longer can see through the tears that we can not stop. They don't understand that we are not being childish, we have no choice- we are not at the wheel. Our words are caught and tangle together choaking and swelling our throats so we can no longer breathe. This is only the start, and through it, our minds are anything but silent. We close our eyes, tighten our muscles and clench or fists. If only to stop the noise that no one else can hear. They don't understand that the noise is louder than our efforts.

When it's over the noise has stopped. We sit and stare emotionless and empty. There is nothing left. The monster has come and gone, with it everything that we had. No anger or sadness, no frustration or pain, no shame or guilt, no thoughts, no actions. They don't understand that tears stream down our faces continuously but we don't notice. They don't understand that we can't hear or see them. They may touch us but we have turned to stone. We do not think of anything. We are zombies that have been stripped of everything humane. Our organs still respond as tho we are alive but it is only a lie. A false only there for the sake of showing we are physically here.

After a while, our feelings return and we are overwhelmed with grief and guilt. They don't understand the feeling is so intense that we push it deep within us, as to never let it happen again. But this is the lie we tell ourselves for we are only dormant. The pressure within our volcano will rise again. If only they would listen and care about how we feel. If only they would understand. But that's the thing, isn't it? They do not understand, but it is not their fault. And they will never understand until they have walked in our individual shoes. How can they know if they have never experienced it? The best teachers are those who have lived through it.

They don't understand that we are running. Always running. But not from monsters or criminals. They don't understand that we are petrified of ourselves. Our mind has no stamina limit and is on our heels. We cannot stop, they don't understand that if we do, we are broken. They don't understand that there's no one that we fear or hate more than ourselves. We can take on the world in stride. Conquer any challenge that comes our way without fear, if only we do not face ourselves. And they will never understand that.

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