These thoughts are not kind.

Honest, yet kind, intimate, gracious, and raw...those are the requirements that I must start to impose with myself. I have been struggling to see my own worth and extend any kindness or grace to myself lately. I have noticed that I am angry and so downright mean in all my thoughts. I feel worthless and undeserving. I have experienced an abundance of trauma throughout my life. I harbor tons of grief, sadness and pure despair. I do not generally trust or rely on other people. Through the recent events of life mixed with remembrance dates from past trauma, I have allowed myself to fall into unfavorable habits. These habits have given my negative thoughts a bold presence in my mind. They speak much louder than any positive intuition. My brain has filled itself with anxiety, fear, and depressive ideals. I absolutely hate being in this state. How have I actually landed here once again?

Fear can just jolt the greatest momentum. It can stop a train in its tracks. I am aware enough that I am fearful but not knowledgeable enough to know what I must do to overcome this obstacle. How do I determine what it is that I am fearful of? How do I pinpoint the step I must take to overcome? Is it actually possible that I am fearful in all things? When people describe me, they have stated you are strong, fearless, dedicated and driven, loving, caring...and so on. How am I so strong and fearless, if I am literally standing still with excuses instead of forging on with bettering myself and my life? How would someone describe me as strong if once again...I can hear the bad thoughts much clearer than any positive one? The answer my friend is I am recognizing the need to change.

To myself, I promise to move us out of this headspace. I will dedicate time to write again because I know this aids in removing the negativity in our thoughts replacing it with processed information that can be utilized to positively grow. I will continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone in trust and reliability. I will allow myself to try whether the risk outweighs the reward or not. I will not be sorry for allowing myself to do things in love rather than abstain from fear. I will do my best to release and forgive people and things that have wronged me. Not in an attempt to accept their behavior but in a soul washing release of anything I shouldn't be holding against myself. I will attempt to grow my self-love and nourish the kindness I am not too willing to extend in my own mind. I will prepare goals and passions that will validate my growth and better my awareness. I will provide more loving care to myself even if I have to map out what that will entail. I will offer my journey time and patience. I will find a me that is balanced and focused on love, happiness and creative outlets. I welcome this challenge to flourish. I can do this! I will take one step at a time, and this is my first step.

In recognizing the need for change I am allowing myself the room for growth. This journey will not be easy. This journey will not be lead with direction, guidance or even judgement for that matter. It will be lead with self-awareness that calls what is priority and consideration of need. I will kindly guide my journey with positivity and promise. Anything worthy of such progress is worthy of the hard work it calls for, and I am in this to win it!