The Space I Create

When awake at 5:00 a.m. there’s this sweet resonance with the world. Most haven’t risen yet, it’s like a secret between you and the universe. Shh, let them sleep. If mum to little ones it’s a chance to have quiet moments with yourself. An opportunity to remember who you are in a fast-paced society that demands more from you.

I like getting to places early so I can beat the crowd. One place I seek a head start is the Minnesota State Fair. A treasured event that goes from late August through Labor Day. There are many early risers but not enough to disrupt your experience. Parking is easier. There’s plenty of space on the fairgrounds, proximity to others is comfortable. The air, light. Activity not rushed, hums along at an easy pace.

My favorite bite to eat is corn fritters with mini scoops of honey butter. The perfect way to begin a morning at the fair. Subtle sweetness with a light crunch. Moments of bliss as warm butter mingles with breaded corn mix and kernels.

You walk freely! Enjoying other food you’ve picked up along the way while visiting exhibits. Eventually, the crowd thickens as it should. Others want to enjoy the fair too, they’re like you. Desiring a day of fun as summer comes to an end. The excitement of fall is coming. Energy you can taste and feel.

You have to stand on your tippy-toes to see over the crowd gathered in the pet display — especially when you’re 5'2. The dogs sit with their proud owners in the portioned stands. People wish to interact with the canines so they get as close as possible. This was pre-pandemic.

Soon as you get a great spot, here comes more folks wanting your prime location. You need to share of course, so enjoy the moment as long as appropriate then make room for others. They fill right in, hoping to be the ones with the best view. In hindsight, you did this too. Leaving the crowd is a relief because you relish personal space.

Space: the distance from other people or things that a person needs in order to remain comfortable

In the United States, average comfort level between strangers is more than 4 feet. My level is on the higher side but now 6 feet due to COVID-19. Traveling by plane is an interesting endeavor. Since required to be in close quarters for lengthy periods. I have to psyche myself up for this but it’s easily done.

Nowadays, I go dressed in armor to minimize disease and annoyances. This consists of a hat, face shield, mask, earplugs, and a comfy sweatshirt. With a pair of sunglasses in my carry-on bag. One intention is to discourage conversation if my seatmate is chatty and I’m not up for talking. Or manage an assault on senses if seated close to rambunctious children. An ability to tune out if called for is a saving grace.

But why do I need so much space? This goes beyond preventing disease and being around folks I’m unfamiliar with. Except for my kids (pets included), there’s a general resistance to closeness. The ones I wouldn’t mind being closer to. Yet, a tendency to hold back. An interest that’s hesitant to bloom.

It’s not easy to get to know me. But I like it like this, it’s who I am … my general thought. I can be loving, yet there’s territory I dare not venture into. The extra space present, slightly loosened.

I’ve considered why I’m this way. There are several potential reasons, not all have come to the surface to enlighten me. Could it be being used to time on my own? My mother’s only child for 8 years, I was comfortable with my company. And great at entertaining myself.

At some point in adulthood, I decided not to take up too much room in other people’s lives. A subconscious decision. Possible concerns of being a bother. Unprepared for expectations that follow. Cautious with true intimacy. On the heels of a plethora of things that have deeper cracks and crevices. Thus, natural gravitation towards solitude. It’s home for me.

Honestly, work and various stressors drained me of energy. Besides being a mother, and prioritizing self-care to live another day. There wasn’t anything to give — to others. But special relationships are important. They give more to life, an enhancement to the one you’re living!

I recall the way my love smiles, a dash of light shines in his eyes. His true nature, a feeling of home. He’s like the sun.

My mother’s genuine greetings exclaiming her happiness when seeing me. Her welcoming ways and hospitality. She cooks with love.

The gaze of hope that washes over my dad during our visits. His color returns, grayness loosening its grip.

My other dad is an occasional jokester. Love it when he’s in alignment, it’s a good vibe.

Old-time friends from my wilder days want a reunion. Their entertaining and heartfelt words of affection.

My sisters and their thoughtful moments. Wanting to share their lives with me. Tenderness enters my heart.

Brother in his younger years. I doted over him back then. Fun conversations as adults.

Youngest bro and his sweet ways. Halloween events, scary movies with me and my kids.

Sentimental memories of grandma, the tremendous bond we shared. Our quality times together. She’s no longer in the physical world.

Space: a continuous area or expanse which is free, available, or unoccupied

Intriguing how the cause of behaviors and tendencies are often hidden within us. Requires digging materials to get to. Better yet, a subtle experience, each part gently removed before the next uncovering.

Some never get to this point. Becomes a part of their skin, tattooed in their bones, hidden in their soul. The body knows, released upon death one can only hope. Certain layers are too hot to touch. A nerve nicked! You stand back from those surprised by pain. That does it, can’t go any further.

My life journey welcomed a brighter path. I don’t need to dig if I don’t want to. I can plant a garden in my mind instead of conjuring up old stuff. I’m not denying the need to explore ourselves this way, at times it’s necessary. The raw beginning before enlightening discoveries. At some point, the story gets old and stifles momentum. Time for a new direction.

Yes, I’m a spacious type of gal, no need to fight it. Let it be, opening up within natural limits is the best flavor. There’s contentment when you’re you. A reawakening field, no need to disturb.

The space I create is a protective field, allowing growth. Space I create is a friend to me, someone I trust.

The space I create prepares for more. Space I create honors me, shows what I’ve always known.

Stay back but come close … come close.

There’s a sweet resonance with the world when you love who you are. It’s like a secret between you and the universe. The moon — the stars — the sun.

Originally published on Medium: https://medium.com/the-scarlett-narrative/the-space-i-create-e3342b616554